Chris 2.0: Anger and Resentment, Dissipated

Yes, I saw Chris 2.0. Yes, we spent 9 hours together. No, we didn't have sex. No, we didn't even kiss. Yes, we hugged. No, I don't think he is a heartless monster anymore. Yes, he taught me how to drive a stick-shift car in my high school parking lot. No, I'm not thinking of getting back together with him. Yes, I was able to get so much off my chest. Yes, I was a stupid girl. No, I didn't want to punch him in the face when I first saw him. No, I didn't want the day to end. Yes, it was surreal. No, I don't hate him anymore...

Chris 2.0 called me out of the blue last Thursday asking me to call him back. I panicked and called Chris 1.0, wherein he advised me to call him back lest I prove to myself that I am truly not over him. Chris 2.0 asked for a face to face meeting, to which I agreed, seeing it as an opportunity to truly show myself how "over him" I actually was. I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready to start a new relationship - that the new man in my life would not live in Chris 2.0's shadow.

Saturday came and we met at 4PM, grabbed a jamba juice, and walked and talked, eventually finding a wall to sit on outside of Sears. He told me things that affected the past we shared. Little things and big things. How I was his "fantasy", but he couldn't leave his family and friends to pursue it. How his mom and 5 year-old brother now live with him because they depend on him financially. How he hasn't slept with anyone since me, citing that porn doesn't have the desired effect anymore - that he has to think of me just to get off.

We went to sushi @ 6PM, and just talked and had fun. It was the first time we had just shared a meal outside of the bedroom. I told him how my sister was going to teach me stick later that night. He offered to teach me himself, and I accepted. We went over to my old high school parking lot and I learned how to shift, how to stop, how to get the car going without stalling. Afterwards, we took a walk around my high school campus. We learned more about each other.

Afterwards, we decided to grab some blankets and pillows and head out to the park and lay down and talk. I ended up telling him all the stupid girl feelings I had - it was so honest and so raw. We talked about all the sex we had, how I had to think of him just to cum (even when I was with another guy), we talked about what could have been and what was now, we talked about dreams we had, and feelings, and regrets.

I couldn't take it anymore - I asked him to hold me. He held me tightly and held my hand. I laid my head on his chest and looked out at the city lights below us. I told him how surreal this was, that I never thought I'd ever see or hear from him again. He said he was sorry I felt that way. I said that what was happening was a metaphor - that if we were detached from our seperate lives, that if we were alone, together, in a little bubble away from the rest of the world, that only then it felt perfect.

I spoke a fantasy. I told him how perfect it would be if the night never came to an end, that we left the park to go back to our home and take our clothes off and press our bodies together and fall asleep in each other's arms. We would wake up in the morning, have breakfast together, then go to work. We'd come home to have dinner together, then watch a movie, or play video games, or hang out with friends. Then we'd read before bed, and we'd turn the lights out and I'd lay on top of him and we'd make love. And it would never end. To which he replied, "day after day, week after week..." He squeezed me.

And then the moment of clarity - "That's how it could have been for us" and he whimpered. I said he should head back home. We picked up all of the blankets and pillows and walked back to the car. I held his hand on the car ride home. We hugged before he left, and I knew it was the last hug we'd have in a long time. I told him to take care, and he wished me the same before he drove off. We didn't kiss or touch inappropriately, but the day was fiercely intimate.

I realize now, just as I've always realized, that you really never stop loving those who have occupied a space in your heart in the past. Even if they've done you wrong, or you, them, you can't turn all the feelings you have into apathy. I'm happy I took the time to hear Chris 2.0 out. In a way, it freed me, by reconciling the past between the two of us. At last, with all the information out on the table, I could respect his perspective on life and his own living work of art. I may never forgive him for all that he has put me through, but I doubt I'd forget all the amazing things I've experienced with him, either. And that's okay.

Thus, the story of Chris 2.0 no longer waits on my night stand waiting for me to read the concussive finale. It's been written and read. And only now can I take that book and put it to rest on a faraway shelf. And now, a new book opens, the pages flip open, and a new story unfolds...

Right.
Before.
My eyes.