Villainy

"Those who unwillingly accept a fate of villainy become unwilling and ironic martyrs." - Quyen Nguyen  

I just saw Dark Knight (an amazing movie) and in it was the idea that sometimes people have to take on the role of the "bad guy" in order for others to feel comfortable with their own lives.  I almost cried when I heard that because it was something that struck a chord in my own life.  How many times have I, myself, vilified the people in my life in order to make sense of it and feel better about myself or my actions?  Bo, Mom, Chelle, Chris 2.0, Kevin, Mitch, all my other boyfriends, and basically everyone I've ever known or wanted to know has played the antagonist at one point or another.

In fact, villainy is contained in all aspects of life - from self-hate to prejudice to racism and beyond.  Is it natural for people to vilify all that doesn't coincide with their world view?  Is that why human beings are so quick to betray and change sides, whether it be politics, relationships, or personal philosophy?  

It's understandable that people want "yes men" in their corners, but does everyone who says "no", or simply "maybe" necessarily have to be grouped within the ranks of Baal and Mephisto?  Why can't Chris 2.0 just be some kid who can't get his shit together to save his life?  Why couldn't Kevin be given the benefit of the doubt to change?  Why do others always become the villains?  Why are we our only true protagonists?

I suppose the answer is that it simply helps us understand our lives.  Or rather, it helps us survive by not having to deal with what's really there.  By vilifying everyone, we dehumanize them, which in turn takes away from our own humanity.  In the end, we are the villains of our stories.  Our happy ending depends mainly on how willing we are to forgive ourselves.

Vacation 2008 - Day 6

I woke up @ 7:45AM on Thursday in order to get my ass up to go to the open rehearsal of the SF Symphony. They were playing Shostakovich’s Piano Concerto #1 and Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite. I got ready late and instead of walking there like I had planned, I had to take a cab. I really like taking cabs. You learn all sorts of little things about the city. J

I got to Symphony Hall and had a chocolate donut and some coffee and then took my seat late in the front row of the second tier. The hall was beautiful! It had hanging acoustic panels to help propel the sound upward and outward, and the PA system was lowered from a giant pyramid that was mounted on the ceiling. The organ pipes were beautiful and the view from the second tier gave you a bird’s eye view of all the musicians in the orchestra.

Now, I don’t need to write too much about this experience because two posts ago I blogged the letter I sent to the SF Symphony. But I cried, and I kept on crying. I felt so much. Maestro Dudamel was a 27 y/o conductor, the youngest “major league player” in the world – he will actually take over the LA Philharmonic for Esa-Pekka Salonen in the ’09-’10 season as principal conductor. He is amazing and brings such life and energy to the group. He would bounce from side to side on stage and when he wanted the full force of the orchestra, he would heave his body at them, letting his wild hair fly forth. The orchestra reacted in kind and produced sonic art. Waves of sound pierced the air, and from them were born this undeniable beauty of the world. And it moved me to tears. That human beings could produce such a thing. That such things could exist in the world.

After the concert, I went to the Symphony bookstore and watched a DVD about the Venezuelan Youth Orchestra. There was an interview with a boy who played cello and he showed you his home – that he slept on the top bunk and his brother slept on the bottom. He told you how he loved his cello so much that he sleeps with it – that it’s his voice and he loves it so much. He then plays an excerpt from the Saint Saens Cello Concerto (a difficult piece for even a master’s student) and plays it beautifully. Afterwards, he hugs his cello and says, “I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t play my cello.” I fucking lost it after that. It’s even getting to me right now as I’m writing this.

Afterwards, I had lunch at some bad Chinese place and then did a tour of the SF Conservatory with a cute trombonist ;) Interestingly enough, the undergraduate violists sounded just as bad as undergraduate violists where I went to school.

After the Conservatory tour, I went to the Asian Art Museum. After 1 floor of learning about Buddhism in various countries, I was over it LOL I went downstairs to learn about Geisha, Courtesans and hand painted scrolls, and after that, I was on my way back to my hotel.

I invited over a boy, but I didn't think he was that cute and I told him I wasn't feeling it. He just kinda sat there for minutes, dumbfounded. It was sooooo awkward. :P I ended up feeling bad for inviting him over but not being attracted to him and bought him a drink and an appetizer that we shared.

More to come...

Vacation 2008 - Day 5

The day started with the boy I slept with the night before pressing his sweaty body against mine. “Go back to bed,” I say as I brush him away. Around 10AM, we start getting ready for our day: Brunch at Zazie, the DeYoung museum, the Legion of Honor museum, and a stroll through Golden Gate Park.

We get on the N line (the underground one – yay!) and head up to Zazie where we proceed to get plastered on “Sunshines” (a mango & champagne mimosa) while eating smoked salmon eggs benedict, Croque Royales, and lemon ricotta pancakes. We head to an organic pharmacy where we buy this weird fermented tea drink that’s naturally effervescent. Never trust a naturally effervescent fermented tea drink no matter how “organic” it may seem :P

We get on another bus to get to this Japanese garden. We find a secluded spot and he asks me if I smoke? Of course I do, but it has been about a year since I last did. What the hell… it’s my vacation, right?

The next few hours are a blur: I remember jumping a fence, finding a spot away from prying eyes and proceeded to have sex right there in this woodland clearing. It was beautiful. Something as raw as sex in a place as powerful as nature is an experience I think everyone should have. It makes you feel part of the world in a way that is entirely unique. I wish I took a picture. We were on this slope that overlooked this massive gorge just full of green and quiet. The sun’s rays shone through the trees above almost as if someone were filming it and there was a lighting crew creating special effects.

After we were done, we jumped back over the fence and went through “Hippie Hill”, which apparently is a place for vagrants who like to join drum circles. It was as if I had walked into a parallel universe – just like how I felt when I was in Japantown. In Japantown, everything was so peaceful and quiet. Here, at “Hippie Hill”, it was so free. People who had no jobs – who didn’t join the rat race of life – existing as if they were just part of some grand scheme, that Mother Nature would take care of them. It was odd, unsettling, and altogether refreshing.

I got back on the busline and headed back to my hotel to shower and take a nap. At 7PM, I wake up and get ready for my table for one at the elite French restaurant in SF – Gary Danko.

I have to say that Gary Danko was truly one of the highlights of my trip. I started with a glass of Riesling (the sweetest I’ve ever had with a nice lilt to the finish) and went with a 4 course meal: seared foie gras with rhubarb and caramelized onions (this is the best and most clear foie gras I’ve ever had in my life. So, I told my waiter to tell the chef that I thought this dish tasted like a Mendelssohn string quartet – all the flavors equal in their importance with clarity and refinement); sea scallops done two ways; roasted duck breast with lemon zest served with duck confit, celery root puree, fried leeks, and whole shallots. The cheese course consisted of a selection of 3 cheeses (although I got 4 selections because my waiter liked me :D) I had “drunken goat” cheese (a cheese that was aged in wine for 2 weeks so it’s outer rind is purple with wine stain and it also helps the cheese keep its moisture throughout – my favorite!), a cow’s milk cheese that has beta carotene added to it to give it a bright orange color which the King of France commissioned to be made so he could spot it across the banquet hall and use as a way to flirt with women), a fine gouda called “Midnight Moon”, and a semi-soft/semi-hard cheese that was also very enjoyable. These cheeses were served with grapes and crostini.

At this point, I was SO FULL. So, when my waiter asked if I wanted after-dinner coffee, I declined, to which he said, “Well, what will you drink with the plate of cookies the chef has prepared especially for you?” Apparently, the chef liked my comment about the foie gras being like a Mendelssohn string quartet! :D The plate came out and it was sheer decadence! Candied orange rinds, raspberry gelee, cocoa butter rolled in sugar, the lightest meringue ever, a slice of fudge, lemon genoise, chocolate soufflé, and others that I couldn’t describe if I tried. Afterwards, my waiter came to me and told me that the chef said he wanted to meet me. So, I got a private, behind the scenes tour of one of the finest restaurants in SF. And I got to meet the chef and told him he was an artist, not just a chef, because his intent was definitely well-received! I told him that the foie gras was the most exquisite I’ve ever had and congratulated him. The chef sent me home with a “coffee cake” he prepared for me made with cream cheese, with an orange and chocolate soufflé base.

When I got back to the hotel, I was not only decadently plump but also wired from the cappuccino that I had with dessert. The whole time I was at dinner, I felt so taken care of and really very fulfilled, except for one thing… this whole trip, something has been on my mind – I really wanted to share all of these experiences with Chris 2.0. I wish he could have been there at dinner to share in the amazing food. I wish he could have been on the bay cruise looking at the city as the sun set. I wish I could have shared all the sexual experiences with him and fallen asleep and woken up next to him in the morning in the hotel room.

I grabbed the phone and called him, even though it was midnight by this point. I professed my love for him and how I was tired of pretending like I didn’t love or need him. I told him how he’s the only person I’ve ever really wanted to be with since I’ve met him 3 years ago. I demanded that we be together because we are meant to be together. And then the voicemail ended.

His reponse? To be continued…

Letter to the SF Symphony

Dear Members of the SF Symphony,

My name is Quyen Nguyen and I am a violist in Southern California. Even though I hold a BM in viola performance, play with the La Jolla Symphony, and keep a teaching studio, I am not a fulltime musician. Instead, I decided sometime ago that classical music is on its way out, that nobody really understands our art, and that classical musicians are woefully underappreciated, even though we work for years honing our skills. (I'm sure being a violist, on top of all that, increased those sentiments somehow :P)

Anyway, when I was doing music fulltime as a career, I would come to rehearsal, sit in my chair, play, people would clap, and I would walk away with my paycheck - and I became pretty jaded. I felt that what I did really didn't make a difference and had no real point. Year after year, audience sizes would shrink, orchestras would go bankrupt, and more and more people thought being a "classical musician" wasn't any better than working retail or some other unskilled job. My colleagues admitted they felt the same way more often than not. So, I quit.

Years later, I find myself sitting in this morning's open rehearsal of Stravinsky's Firebird, and you know that story about how if you play with enough heart and emotion that you'll make your audience cry? Well, I never believed that story, until this morning, when I started crying. Seriously, mascara was everywhere.

I didn't cry because you made me feel sad or it triggered some nostalgic and tragic event in my life; I cried because as I was watching Maestro Dudamel passionately emote from the podium, with each of you giving back just as passionately, I witnessed beauty. I witnessed the beauty of the world contained in a concert hall - beauty that made the world a better place, beauty that could help people deal with the stresses and rigors of life.

And I realized that I was so wrong to think that being a musician was little more than entertaining a crowd or filling the gap of silence. For the very first time, I witnessed the power of our art. Music was one of the few things that made the world a better place, that exuded true beauty - and here you all were, creating it.

Maybe you get emails like this all the time, and maybe you don't, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to congratulate all of you for your talent and courage to pursue a path that everyone may not readily appreciate. For without you, there would have been one less place in the world where beauty could exist. One less place art could breathe. And to be honest, one less person who came to the realization that it's the beauty in the world that makes life truly worth living.

Thank you.

Vacation 2008 - Day 4

I'm constantly surprised. It's like I'm living the life of Quyen that never had the possibility of happening. A whirlwind standing in one place - me. My life. My journey, and everyone else passes through to share their lives with me.

Padraic, the guy from Ireland that I went out to the bar with the other night, and I had Dim Sum together at Yank Sing and then proceeded to go to Pier 39 to buy my sourdough teddy bear (which is SO ugly lol) After that, we went to Japan Town and had sushi and I bought a $200 kimono. It is so beautiful and has long flowing sleeves. It was described to me as the "business suits" for the women of Japan. It's vintage and has some sweat stains in the sleeves and whatnot. But I justify the price by the quality of the craftsmanship and the fact that it's a piece of history, and also, I could have easily spent $200 on a designer dress from BCBG or some other place.

After that, I came home and decided to hang out with a couple friends, who I, again, had sex with :P Both were pretty amazing experiences. Well, the first one was anyway. It's weird. I would never do this in my normal life. But I feel like maybe this is all sort of some weird yearning I have to do these things anyway. Maybe I'm not so different from Mitch after all?

For dinner, I visited the hotel restaurant and laid $51.00 on a rich clam chowder and miso glazed sea bass with clam dumplings. Exquisite!

I can't wait to get home and wear my kimono somewhere! So, today is the DeYoung Museum and the Legion of Honor. Brunch and a possible stroll in the park... and then the culinary finale of my trip... Gary Danko @ 9PM :)

Vacation 2008 - Day 3

Okay, this trip just keeps getting crazier and crazier :P

I went to Pier 39 to meet a food writer and PA to the executive chef for Google (foodie's dream come true, right? :P) We ended up hanging out for awhile and held hands all around and ate lunch. I then went on the Bay cruise which was awesome! I stood at the very front of the boat and let the wind mess up my hair lol :P It was great just being out and alive and alone. I thought I would mind it alot, but I don't. It's comforting going wherever I please and doing whatever I want.

After I got home, I was bored and lonely, so I invited this Econ major from Berkeley over to hang out. Yes, we had sex, but it was totally weird and awkward. I'm telling you, younger men look great, but they have absolutely no idea what to do in the bedroom! lol :P Once that was over, I made plans to go to a nice lounge with a friend over at the St. Francis Drake hotel. When we got there, they closed the bar! So we ended up going to this dive bar - me in a short dress, high heels, and a trench coat. I was so out of place, but proceeded to get totally knackered - gin & tonic, buttery nipple, blowjob, Scooby snack, and another buttery nipple.

We ended up going to my friend's hotel and stayed up talking for hours! His hotel room was like my apartment! It had a living room and everything and was so nice! We ended up drinking some screwdrivers from the minibar and then proceeded to pass out. I woke up in the nicest hotel I've ever been in! And no, we didn't have sex, kiss, or even cuddle. Wait a minute, yes, I think we did cuddle actually. I was too drunk to really remember anything lol :P

This morning, I got ready and he and I are going to the best Dim Sum place in SF: Yank Sing. I'm excited and starving! He better get here soon!

Vacation 2008 - Day 2

So last night was a trip! My flight into SF was delayed 2 hours and it had NO electronic functionality! :( I was really disappointed with Virgin America. When I got into town, I sat for 40 minutes in a shuttle waiting to amass enough passengers to leave the airport.

Then, I met an old friend from SD who is studying for the bar and he showed me the seedy Tenderloin (what streets not to walk down etc, and whatnot). Then I went to the Asian Art Museum to get all my bus passes and CityPass booklet. I went back to my hotel and tried to get situated in my room, but they had already given my room away! I booked in a month ago! I was so angry. They wanted to give me a crappy 7th floor room on the side of the hotel with a busy, noisy street. I told them I'd be back at 8 and that should give them enough time to fix things :P

I took my first bus (F-line) to Pier 33 to make the Alcatraz night tour just in time! Alcatraz is so interesting... I can't even imagine being locked up in there... kinda crazy... We sailed back to a sunset over the Golden Gate Bridge and a fantastic view of SF. It took me another hour to get back to the hotel, but I befriended these 4 gay guys who walked me back to my hotel on their way back home :) Quyenchilla = Ultimate Fag Hag :P

I ended up meeting this French visual/fashion designer from Asia for drinks around 10PM. We headed over to this super elite lounge where everyone knew him (he must have been famous somehow?) We covered a whole night of drinks and shots and I got pretty wasted :P We had these amazing conversations about life and love and what we're doing with our time as souls. Pretty deep stuff eh? I invited him back up to my hotel room, and we just slept together - no making out, no sex, nothing. This morning, I woke up to Chocolate ganache cake on the side of the bed that he slept on, and a voicemail saying something like: "I love you. I know that's inappropriate, but I think you're one of the most amazing and beautiful people I've had the pleasure of meeting. Thank you for last night, even if we never see each other again."

A little backstory... we were talking and he's like can I see you this week? And I said, everything has its time and place, and that maybe he and I would share 6 hours of our lives together - ever. And that has to be enough. Because maybe tomorrow, someone else will be our soulmates for the day and so on and so forth.

Anyway, I've typed enough. Today is Fisherman's Wharf, Boudin's, Ghiradelli, the Aquarium and a Bay Cruise :) Ta for now ;)