I tried...

I broke up with SP last night over the phone. He decided he wasn't ready to acknowledge me as something more than a "friend". I'm sorry, but I don't lick the balls of my friends. Additionally, he wanted to have a 3 some, and I'm far past that stage in my life. They are just not that great - at least to me. I don't have to deal with that kind of stress in my relationship.

So, we decided we were each looking for something different - I wanted a committed relationship and he wanted to be friends with benefits. I have to say that I feel used. I went into this specifically looking for someone to build a relationship with, something with a foundation. And I ended up with the same old story - someone who just wants to have fun, be in the moment, and get their rocks off. I'm starting to resent the idea of "living for the moment". Moments are just a buzzword for people who have no long term goals for that area in their lives. It's a nice way of rationalizing bad behavior and avoiding more important issues.

I did learn a few things from dating Mitch ("SP").

First, he was 14 years my senior and was used to dating older women. I know now that I very well may not be able to satisfy someone that much older than me because there is so much I'm still learning about life and about myself. He had already done all of that. So, I would get hurt when he wasn't wow'ed by an epiphany I had or an artistic musing. I know that I am a much different woman now than I was at 21, and I can't imagine the woman I'll be at 27, and even 30.

Second, I stuck to my guns. We never did penetration, only oral and manual sex. I also didn't let him have a 3 some while still being able to date me (against the advice of a certain Pocopo ;P) I'm glad that I had enough self-respect to not give up my body to just any cute guy and that I wasn't willing to let myself be in a relationship where, ultimately, something else was desired.

Third, serious, emotional conversations are scary to have. Sex is much easier to have than talking about what is important. But if you're willing to share your body with someone, then it shouldn't phase you to also be willing to share what's on your mind with them too. A real relationship is just as emotionally open as it is physically open, and the two should grow together, not one after the other.

Fourth, I learned how to kiss and give head in braces. No small task, I assure you! ;)

Fifth, I realize my capacity as a person has grown. I have rejuvenated my soul to the way it used to be, and in many ways am even exceeding that standard. I'm wiser, more honest, and more compassionate than ever before. Yet, I've restored my direct nature and trueness to living a life that I am proud of.

Even though I am sad that I made another bad decision when it comes to love, and I thought I could really be happy with Mitch, I am happy that I stayed true to my own ideals. Even though I will miss spending time with him, I have to move on. I gleaned all I could from the experience, had a good time doing it, and got out before I was irreversibly injured. Who knows? Maybe that's the best that I could have hoped for.

What Can I Say?

Life is FABULOUS! :D

I'm thankful for all the talent and love that the God and Goddess have blessed me with.

I'm thankful to have a career and the opportunity to make money so that I can fund my many interests.

I'm thankful to have met the people in my life, for they are quality people worth knowing.

I'm thankful for the hardships I've encountered in life for I would not be the amazing woman I am today without them. I'm also thankful I have been blessed with the support and strength to get through all the rough spots in life.

I'm thankful that forgiveness is a possibility. I'm thankful that ignorant people are in the habit of judging - it's self-condemnation. I'm thankful that change is slow but evident.

I'm thankful for patrons as well as critics - the patrons show us what we've been missing out on, and the critics show us why that may have been a good idea to begin with ;)

I'm thankful for the hermit crab shells in this world - we can go out and find a niche, and when we've outgrown that place, we can cast it off and search for another one to fill.

I'm thankful for the art in this world, for without it, life would be cold and mechanical. I'm thankful for the realism in this world, for without it, life would be one disconnected moment after another.

I'm thankful that I now have the presence of mind to be thankful.

Where Are They Now?

This post is a tribute to all the men I've had in my life and how I've reconciled all the relationships:

Kevin (aka - "My First") - Kevin has come back into my life more times than anyone else, even Chris 2.0! I've known him since I was 17 y/o and he was the one I gave my first kiss to, lost my virginity to, etc. He broke my heart by cheating on me. Unfortunately, the relationship was mostly sexual, until the last few times when we actually tried to date, traditionally. I got my resolution with him when we were having sex and I just wasn't into it at all. I realized I just didn't like him and that I had never loved him or respected him. We ended on bad terms and don't talk anymore - thankfully.

Allen - Allen is still a good friend of mine and we talk on the phone every morning on our way to work. Allen was the boyfriend that wasn't into being a boyfriend. Everything about our relationship was subpar. The one nice thing about our relationship is that he had a daughter that I got so attached to that she started calling me "Mom". Since we broke up, he has married again, fathered a child, and is contemplating another divorce.

Jay (aka "EM-50") - I lived with him for a year, and went through one of the most trying times in my life. He cheated on me with numerous women, pit me against his ex-wife, and gave me the responsibility of looking after his 3 y/o son. I went to a year's worth of therapy to work up the strength to leave him, but I finally did. He got engaged to another woman about a month after I ended things. I don't talk to him or stay in contact with him anymore - nor would I.

Chris 1.0 (aka "Pocopo") - Chris 1.0 is the first man I ever truly loved. And I consider him my best friend. Our relationship could be described as witty and trite. Things ended because I got tired of his possessive nature as well as the way he made me feel inadequate as a girlfriend. However, those behaviors don't affect our friendship today. These days, we share a strangely healthy relationship for two people who were once involved. I talk to him almost everyday, if not multiple times.

Chris 2.0 (aka - "Mr. MIA") - Chris 2.0 was the source of a lot of joy and pain. He was THE dynamo in bed, but everything else fell short past the bedroom. Despite our mutual intelligence and common interests, Chris 2.0 and I just couldn't make a relationship work (mostly due to his choices). Strangely, I still respect him, and wish the best for him in life. He's the 2nd man I've ever truly loved, and we recently reconciled and have rediscovered a comfortable, sex-free friendship.

Steve (aka - "E. Unavailable) - Steve was my introduction to the underground drug scene. He will forever go down in history as the boyfriend who said, "You're funny now, babe, but if you do coke, you'll be even funnier!" Hilarious. Steve showed my what life without limits and boundaries does to a person. He still continues his wild life to this day. Because of that, we don't really connect on any meaningful level. Although, from time to time, he'll proposition me for sex, hoping I'll bite. Fat chance.

Richard (aka - "The Millionaire") - Richard was cultured, funny, and intelligent. A VP of a successful company, he liked to work hard and play even harder. He threw down $600 for our first date, to which I threw down a piece of ass :P We went to museums, plays, fancy restaurants, and even just nights at home cuddling and cooking together. He left to NYC for a month and never called me. I figured he was done with me. He called a month later, saying he was hurt I didn't call and that he was staying with his sister who was in the hospital. Upon seeing him again, he wanted to have sex, to which I declined, saying I didn't feel like I knew him anymore. I didn't hear from him again until earlier this year. However, I was dating someone else at the time and couldn't pursue it. I haven't heard from him since.

Inam - Inam is a successful, educated young man with a penchant for degrading sex talk and male dominance. He was fun and my friends liked him. But we were only together for a couple months before he left on full scholarship to Cambridge. I saw him on New Years 2007, but declined having sex with him since he was in a relationship. We almost saw each other recently on my trip to LA, since he was in town. However, he was only interested in making out. So, I declined. I'm sure he'll crop up again someday soon.

Bryan - I was enamoured of Bryan the moment I met him. He was attractive, classy, stylish, and smart. Our relationship was a whirlwind until things died down abnormally quickly. Upon asking him what was going on, he told me he was still in love with his ex. Months later, I emailed him asking if he had my $6K bracelet I lost. He said he did and we arranged to meet. Eventually, he fell for me again and broke up with his ex again to be with me (notice a pattern? :P) However, I was not so loving, once bitten. In fact, I went into it very vindictive. Eventually, I broke his heart and left him in a text message breakup. I didn't hear back from him and haven't ever since.

Braces

They hurt.

I don't recommend them.

*sits in the corner and cries herself to sleep*

"Six-Pack"

I finally figured out a codename for my new beau - "Six Pack" (because he has one! :D) But we'll call him SP for short :P

SP and I have been spending a lot of time together lately. We spent Friday night together under the night sky. He came over to my house, met my family, my kitties, and I played a private concert for him of Bach and Bruch. We also took before pictures for our physical fitness competition as well as body measurements (more on that later). Then, we went for Vietnamese food and headed to the park to go stargazing. Unfortunately, the sky was completely covered in clouds :( But we managed to have an amazing time. We kissed and talked about all the things I wanted to ask him about. Everything from what he was looking for in a relationship to what he was willing to do without. At the end of the night, I told him I was starting to fall for him. I'm glad I got it out of my system. Now, I can just be my affectionate self and he knows exactly how I feel.

Recently, he and I made a bet. Whoever makes the largest improvement in their body by September 30th gets to choose the location of a roadtrip together. My choice is the Grand Canyon. His is Death Valley or Hearst Castle. The competition has 3 categories: aesthetics (jusged by scantily clad before and after pictures), total body change (measured by total inches lost/gained - he wants to gain in his arms, chest, and legs, and I want to lose in my arms, waist, and increase in buttocks), and lastly, physique (judged by full body massage ;P).

SP is already in great shape (hence the six pack :P) and he says my body is incredible. However, I know that I will win considering how quickly I know that I can get in ridiculously hot shape, and how I doubt SP can have a body that's any better than his current body. Meow.

Either way, SP and I are growing closer. We saw each other again on Sunday, and we went a little further in our romantic escapades. However, I'm not sure I can turn him on. I feel a little inept, compared to him, in bed :( I mean, he was half hard when I was giving him a blowjob :( He had to get himself off the entire afternoon. I've never had that happen before. I'm used to men being putty in my hands. I wonder if practicing abstinence for 3 months affected my sex abilities? And I bet you that getting braces later today isn't going to help that :P Oh well, I suppose I'm just going to have to learn how his body works. I'm totally up for the challenge ;)

Chris 2.0: Anger and Resentment, Dissipated

Yes, I saw Chris 2.0. Yes, we spent 9 hours together. No, we didn't have sex. No, we didn't even kiss. Yes, we hugged. No, I don't think he is a heartless monster anymore. Yes, he taught me how to drive a stick-shift car in my high school parking lot. No, I'm not thinking of getting back together with him. Yes, I was able to get so much off my chest. Yes, I was a stupid girl. No, I didn't want to punch him in the face when I first saw him. No, I didn't want the day to end. Yes, it was surreal. No, I don't hate him anymore...

Chris 2.0 called me out of the blue last Thursday asking me to call him back. I panicked and called Chris 1.0, wherein he advised me to call him back lest I prove to myself that I am truly not over him. Chris 2.0 asked for a face to face meeting, to which I agreed, seeing it as an opportunity to truly show myself how "over him" I actually was. I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready to start a new relationship - that the new man in my life would not live in Chris 2.0's shadow.

Saturday came and we met at 4PM, grabbed a jamba juice, and walked and talked, eventually finding a wall to sit on outside of Sears. He told me things that affected the past we shared. Little things and big things. How I was his "fantasy", but he couldn't leave his family and friends to pursue it. How his mom and 5 year-old brother now live with him because they depend on him financially. How he hasn't slept with anyone since me, citing that porn doesn't have the desired effect anymore - that he has to think of me just to get off.

We went to sushi @ 6PM, and just talked and had fun. It was the first time we had just shared a meal outside of the bedroom. I told him how my sister was going to teach me stick later that night. He offered to teach me himself, and I accepted. We went over to my old high school parking lot and I learned how to shift, how to stop, how to get the car going without stalling. Afterwards, we took a walk around my high school campus. We learned more about each other.

Afterwards, we decided to grab some blankets and pillows and head out to the park and lay down and talk. I ended up telling him all the stupid girl feelings I had - it was so honest and so raw. We talked about all the sex we had, how I had to think of him just to cum (even when I was with another guy), we talked about what could have been and what was now, we talked about dreams we had, and feelings, and regrets.

I couldn't take it anymore - I asked him to hold me. He held me tightly and held my hand. I laid my head on his chest and looked out at the city lights below us. I told him how surreal this was, that I never thought I'd ever see or hear from him again. He said he was sorry I felt that way. I said that what was happening was a metaphor - that if we were detached from our seperate lives, that if we were alone, together, in a little bubble away from the rest of the world, that only then it felt perfect.

I spoke a fantasy. I told him how perfect it would be if the night never came to an end, that we left the park to go back to our home and take our clothes off and press our bodies together and fall asleep in each other's arms. We would wake up in the morning, have breakfast together, then go to work. We'd come home to have dinner together, then watch a movie, or play video games, or hang out with friends. Then we'd read before bed, and we'd turn the lights out and I'd lay on top of him and we'd make love. And it would never end. To which he replied, "day after day, week after week..." He squeezed me.

And then the moment of clarity - "That's how it could have been for us" and he whimpered. I said he should head back home. We picked up all of the blankets and pillows and walked back to the car. I held his hand on the car ride home. We hugged before he left, and I knew it was the last hug we'd have in a long time. I told him to take care, and he wished me the same before he drove off. We didn't kiss or touch inappropriately, but the day was fiercely intimate.

I realize now, just as I've always realized, that you really never stop loving those who have occupied a space in your heart in the past. Even if they've done you wrong, or you, them, you can't turn all the feelings you have into apathy. I'm happy I took the time to hear Chris 2.0 out. In a way, it freed me, by reconciling the past between the two of us. At last, with all the information out on the table, I could respect his perspective on life and his own living work of art. I may never forgive him for all that he has put me through, but I doubt I'd forget all the amazing things I've experienced with him, either. And that's okay.

Thus, the story of Chris 2.0 no longer waits on my night stand waiting for me to read the concussive finale. It's been written and read. And only now can I take that book and put it to rest on a faraway shelf. And now, a new book opens, the pages flip open, and a new story unfolds...

Right.
Before.
My eyes.

I'm Gonna Do It!

Tonight, the guy I'm dating and I are going stargazing. He'll be at my house around 8PM. He'll meet the "boys", and I'll give him a private concert . I even got a "Surfing Snoopy Doll" from work that I 'm going to give him :) Then, we'll go to dinner somewhere, followed by driving up to Hilltop Park and laying out a blanket and pillows for stargazing. I hope it will be the perfect setting for what I want to tell him.

I talked with Chris 1.0 at length about how I'm scared to have an emotional conversation with him because I'm afraid to be hurt. For some reason, it's okay for me to try and try with crappy men, because if I get rejected, I can always blame it on them or the fact they don't enjoy the sex. But putting yourself out there in an emotional way makes you so much more vulnerable to being hurt. If he rejects me, it's completely on the basis of who I am. But if I don't put myself out there, I may lose this opportunity to have what I've really been looking for.

How do you just up and tell someone "I'm falling for you" after only knowing them for 3 weeks? I feel so foolish, but whoever coined the phrase "smart in love"? There are about 10 things that can go wrong, and only one thing that can go right. I feel like I'm playing a bad game of Russian Roulette. Is this what "putting yourself out there" is supposed to feel like? I just hope that if things don't go the way I want, that I don't break down and cry in front of him. That would just be adding insult to injury. 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? I'll tell you tomorrow... :P

Open Letter to Daniel

Dearest Daniel,

I'm so disappointed in you right now. Not only because of how you acted this past weekend towards me, but also because you are voluntarily putting yourself into hurtful situations and refuse to see it. In my estimation, you are hurt because I didn't put you first on the list of people to hang out with in LA. Realize that friends who are putting me up for the night are obviously first pick, and secondly, I only saw 5 people over 4 days in LA - you were supposed to round out 6. It is your choice whether or not you want to see me, but telling me that hanging out with me feels like "going out of your way" is plain rude. If that's how you feel, just say so. Own up to your feelings for once instead of pussy-footing around the issue. If you hate me, then you hate me. It's really that simple. I'd rather you tell me, rather than give half assed excuses and exasperated responses to trying to make time to see you. Both of our time is more important than that.

As for your current endeavors, you know I do not agree with them. Volunteering your time for pornstars so you can "raise them up" is your choice, Daniel. But when you complain how it's draining and how you can't take it anymore, it's time for me to step in as your friend and tell you what you need to hear. Maybe you're angry with me because I'm telling you what you don't want to hear. Or maybe you're angry because I'm not supporting your choices in life. But how can I sit back and watch you tell me of how you've been doing chores for 10 hours at some pornstar's house when you don't even know her real first name? Do you really think she's your friend? Wake up, Daniel. They are not your real friends. I am your real friend. But maybe you've forgotten, since you seem to think hanging out with me is going out of your way, when spending 10 hours scanning photos for a website and feeding a baby isn't.

Daniel, we've had a lot of experiences together. Some good, some bad. Through it all, you can't deny that we accept each other for who we are. That's friendship. But you've seemed to throw it away. For what reason? I don't know. For now, this seems to be the end of the road for us. I refuse to support someone who treats me with contempt. I don't deserve to be treated like a liability. As for you, I'm sure you have your own reasons for ending our friendship. That's fine. Just know that if you ever decide to open your eyes and see your situation for what it is, I'll be there to support you during your rehabilitation, just like you were there for mine.

And just to put it out there, your MySpace tag of "Daniel Lee is tired of being treated like an afterthought" was the farthest thing from the truth. Do you realize how many people I could have seen during my trip? Do you realize how many people I actually know? I picked you - as one of six people - to spend my time with because I've always considered you one of my closest friends. That's hardly an afterthought. Put it into perspective. You are most certainly an afterthought in the minds of your so-called "friends", but not to me. Maybe you'll realize what's what when nobody is calling you to hang out just for the sake of hanging out. Maybe then you won't feel like you're going out of your way for anyone. Maybe that will make you happy. Isn't that right, Daniel?

Regretfully,

Quyen

A New Challenger Appears!

I had a great and not so great time in LA, but more on that later.

Right now, I have to tell you about a guy I met. I just really like him. I think he's adorable. I respect him. I'm shy when I'm around him. He's sexy and mild - all at the same time. His kisses are perfect - even better than Chris 2.0's. He knows when to kiss sweetly and when to kiss passionately, all at the appropriate times. He lets me walk on the inside of the street. He runs around and opens my car door for me. He lets me know that he thinks I'm beautiful whenever the thought crosses his mind. He's so intelligent, especially in the ways in which I am not. We have similar interests - martial arts, video games, good food. He takes care of himself - physically and mentally. He's young in heart and spirit. His body is amazing. His skin is smooth and he has the perfect back - his strong shoulders taper into the sexiest waist and torso I've ever touched. He has deep-set eyes that reflect youth and freshness. His jaw and lips are so model perfect that they could be used in print work. You would never guess his age just by looking at him. He has that sexy surfer look - hair down to his chin in layers, a little wavy and flipped up in the back. I actually get lost in his eyes sometimes.

He's sweet and dorky. I like how he gets excited about his gadgets. I like how he gets excited about what he's doing at work. He has great stories, and I love how we're so open with each other. When we walk home together after dinner, he reaches to hold my hand. We can just sit there together and be totally silent and comfortable. He told me he loves waking up next to me. He waits for me to finish teaching so we can go eat dinner together. Last night, I wanted nothing more in the world to fall asleep next to him, with my head on his shoulder - my body right up against his. I love the way he rubs my neck and shoulders and then kisses me right behind my ear. I like how he listens to me and then acts on it. I feel like I don't have to lower my expectations to be with him - I feel like he rises to the occasion. Oftentimes, I feel like throwing caution to the wind and climbing into his lap, straddling him, and making out with him. He turns me on that much.

He makes me feel so much, but at the same time, I am terrified. I am terrified that, ultimately, I am a rebound. I'm terrified that I'm not what he really wants. I'm terrified that I'm too young for him. I'm terrified I'll fall too fast, or not at all. I'm terrified that I'm transitory. I'm terrified that I'm so terrified that I might not move forward and pre-emptively end the relationship before it has a chance to start.

But instinctually, I want him, and I want to experience being with him. In fact, I can see him smiling in my head right now.

Abstinence

I am no longer practicing abstinence as of this morning.

One more day till LA!

OMG! I'm sooooooo excited! I can't wait to see old friends and just experience the city again! I'm going to bring all sorts of great dresses and outfits and just see everyone from my past (hopefully the good part of it haha) :) I want to:

Eat the House Chicken at BossaNova
Go for Shabu Shabu at Koji's on Hollywood & Highland
Eat at that Thai place off Western
Eat Indian food at Anar Kali on Melrose
Eat at a Tofu House
See Dan, Daniel, Craig, Chris 1.0, Matt, Inam, and Edgar
Meet Chris 1.0's g/f, Allison
Go dancing
Go drinking
Sing Karaoke
Go to Amoeba music
Buy a new dress/outfit
Have a philosophical discussion with Dan & friends
Play violin/viola duets with Edgar
Meals with Inam, Daniel, and Craig
Say hi to Sifu
Smile, laugh, hug, and kiss a lot :)

Changing Leaves of Autumn

Daniel once sent me a handwritten letter during my rehabilitation from my broken foot. In the letter, he wished me good luck on my recovery as well as my emotional and psychological healing that I was trying to repair. He included an excerpt by Saul Williams which talked about the changing leaves of autumn - about how it is perceived as so beautiful by onlookers, but when asked, the leaves confided how painful constantly changing from green to red to yellow actually was.

I revisited alot of my past last night. It's funny how everyone thinks I'm a party girl when that is so far from the truth today. I've been working so hard to change my circumstances and how I respond to life. And I think I've done quite well :) I know that my friends are proud of me, but most importantly, I'm very proud of myself. Honestly, I didn't think I could do it...

I think of all of the things that have humanized me in the past year - from the time I was laid up in bed watching a live birth on TLC and crying uncontrollably, to the awakening epiphany at the La Jolla Coves. I have come so far from the girl who finishes 1/2 a handle of vodka in one night to juggling several boyfriends at the same time and trying my best not to let them find out about each other to clubbing 5 nights out of the week.

Saul Williams was right. The metamorphosis is beautiful, but what is required to change is so painful. I have left so much of my past behind in order to start fresh, but it was all worth it. Because of my experiences, I can see the things I need to cultivate in my life, but also the things I need to stay away from. But I have to admit, every once in awhile, Bad Quyen gets ahold of me and whispers in my ear, "Just do it. It would feel so good. Just like old times."

To which I respond:

"You have kept me from so much happiness in my life. I could have been married, happily, to an amazing man, pursuing a career I love with all of my heart. Instead, you made me lose my self-respect and my ideals. You made my friends and family lose their trust and faith in me. You gave me more loss and heartache than I thought I would ever know. You single-handedly gave me a wicked world to live in with seemingly no way out, until I fell, hard, and realized that you and I were two different people.

Even after I knew this, I still lost battles to you, because I had let you become so strong. But when your hunger for attention couldn't be fed, when you were laid up in bed for months, I became strong too. I bet you thought you were pretty hot shit when you still hooked up with guys even when you were in a cast and crutches. Even when you were disabled, you were a player. Bravo! Your whorishness knows no bounds.

But you know, I'm glad I met you, because if I ever see you in a crowd, I'll know your name, I'll know your face, I'll know exactly what you're thinking when you smile back at me... but most importantly, I'll know what to do when that happens - how to run up to you, tackle you to the ground, armbar you, and beat the living shit out of you, you no-good, filthy bitch. When I choose my next fiance, I won't let you hurt him. When someone I call 'friend' needs me, I won't let you abandon them. When my self-confidence and self-respect are called into question, I won't let you fix the problem. You will never EVER take hold of me again, because I won't allow myself to make the same mistakes again.

But if it makes you feel any better, I'm really really good in bed now because of you. Thanks... bitch."

Clarity

Ever since my epiphany on Sunday, I've been so happy and so clear. It's almost as if I've just begun to start living :) All my old hatreds have dissolved and all my anxiety has disappeared. Life, as always, is going according to plan. But the possibility of engaging diffferent works of living art - today, tomorrow, for the rest of my life - just... *sigh* there isn't even a word for it :)

I love me. I love you. I love life :)