I tried...

I broke up with SP last night over the phone. He decided he wasn't ready to acknowledge me as something more than a "friend". I'm sorry, but I don't lick the balls of my friends. Additionally, he wanted to have a 3 some, and I'm far past that stage in my life. They are just not that great - at least to me. I don't have to deal with that kind of stress in my relationship.

So, we decided we were each looking for something different - I wanted a committed relationship and he wanted to be friends with benefits. I have to say that I feel used. I went into this specifically looking for someone to build a relationship with, something with a foundation. And I ended up with the same old story - someone who just wants to have fun, be in the moment, and get their rocks off. I'm starting to resent the idea of "living for the moment". Moments are just a buzzword for people who have no long term goals for that area in their lives. It's a nice way of rationalizing bad behavior and avoiding more important issues.

I did learn a few things from dating Mitch ("SP").

First, he was 14 years my senior and was used to dating older women. I know now that I very well may not be able to satisfy someone that much older than me because there is so much I'm still learning about life and about myself. He had already done all of that. So, I would get hurt when he wasn't wow'ed by an epiphany I had or an artistic musing. I know that I am a much different woman now than I was at 21, and I can't imagine the woman I'll be at 27, and even 30.

Second, I stuck to my guns. We never did penetration, only oral and manual sex. I also didn't let him have a 3 some while still being able to date me (against the advice of a certain Pocopo ;P) I'm glad that I had enough self-respect to not give up my body to just any cute guy and that I wasn't willing to let myself be in a relationship where, ultimately, something else was desired.

Third, serious, emotional conversations are scary to have. Sex is much easier to have than talking about what is important. But if you're willing to share your body with someone, then it shouldn't phase you to also be willing to share what's on your mind with them too. A real relationship is just as emotionally open as it is physically open, and the two should grow together, not one after the other.

Fourth, I learned how to kiss and give head in braces. No small task, I assure you! ;)

Fifth, I realize my capacity as a person has grown. I have rejuvenated my soul to the way it used to be, and in many ways am even exceeding that standard. I'm wiser, more honest, and more compassionate than ever before. Yet, I've restored my direct nature and trueness to living a life that I am proud of.

Even though I am sad that I made another bad decision when it comes to love, and I thought I could really be happy with Mitch, I am happy that I stayed true to my own ideals. Even though I will miss spending time with him, I have to move on. I gleaned all I could from the experience, had a good time doing it, and got out before I was irreversibly injured. Who knows? Maybe that's the best that I could have hoped for.