Changing Leaves of Autumn

Daniel once sent me a handwritten letter during my rehabilitation from my broken foot. In the letter, he wished me good luck on my recovery as well as my emotional and psychological healing that I was trying to repair. He included an excerpt by Saul Williams which talked about the changing leaves of autumn - about how it is perceived as so beautiful by onlookers, but when asked, the leaves confided how painful constantly changing from green to red to yellow actually was.

I revisited alot of my past last night. It's funny how everyone thinks I'm a party girl when that is so far from the truth today. I've been working so hard to change my circumstances and how I respond to life. And I think I've done quite well :) I know that my friends are proud of me, but most importantly, I'm very proud of myself. Honestly, I didn't think I could do it...

I think of all of the things that have humanized me in the past year - from the time I was laid up in bed watching a live birth on TLC and crying uncontrollably, to the awakening epiphany at the La Jolla Coves. I have come so far from the girl who finishes 1/2 a handle of vodka in one night to juggling several boyfriends at the same time and trying my best not to let them find out about each other to clubbing 5 nights out of the week.

Saul Williams was right. The metamorphosis is beautiful, but what is required to change is so painful. I have left so much of my past behind in order to start fresh, but it was all worth it. Because of my experiences, I can see the things I need to cultivate in my life, but also the things I need to stay away from. But I have to admit, every once in awhile, Bad Quyen gets ahold of me and whispers in my ear, "Just do it. It would feel so good. Just like old times."

To which I respond:

"You have kept me from so much happiness in my life. I could have been married, happily, to an amazing man, pursuing a career I love with all of my heart. Instead, you made me lose my self-respect and my ideals. You made my friends and family lose their trust and faith in me. You gave me more loss and heartache than I thought I would ever know. You single-handedly gave me a wicked world to live in with seemingly no way out, until I fell, hard, and realized that you and I were two different people.

Even after I knew this, I still lost battles to you, because I had let you become so strong. But when your hunger for attention couldn't be fed, when you were laid up in bed for months, I became strong too. I bet you thought you were pretty hot shit when you still hooked up with guys even when you were in a cast and crutches. Even when you were disabled, you were a player. Bravo! Your whorishness knows no bounds.

But you know, I'm glad I met you, because if I ever see you in a crowd, I'll know your name, I'll know your face, I'll know exactly what you're thinking when you smile back at me... but most importantly, I'll know what to do when that happens - how to run up to you, tackle you to the ground, armbar you, and beat the living shit out of you, you no-good, filthy bitch. When I choose my next fiance, I won't let you hurt him. When someone I call 'friend' needs me, I won't let you abandon them. When my self-confidence and self-respect are called into question, I won't let you fix the problem. You will never EVER take hold of me again, because I won't allow myself to make the same mistakes again.

But if it makes you feel any better, I'm really really good in bed now because of you. Thanks... bitch."