Villainy

"Those who unwillingly accept a fate of villainy become unwilling and ironic martyrs." - Quyen Nguyen  

I just saw Dark Knight (an amazing movie) and in it was the idea that sometimes people have to take on the role of the "bad guy" in order for others to feel comfortable with their own lives.  I almost cried when I heard that because it was something that struck a chord in my own life.  How many times have I, myself, vilified the people in my life in order to make sense of it and feel better about myself or my actions?  Bo, Mom, Chelle, Chris 2.0, Kevin, Mitch, all my other boyfriends, and basically everyone I've ever known or wanted to know has played the antagonist at one point or another.

In fact, villainy is contained in all aspects of life - from self-hate to prejudice to racism and beyond.  Is it natural for people to vilify all that doesn't coincide with their world view?  Is that why human beings are so quick to betray and change sides, whether it be politics, relationships, or personal philosophy?  

It's understandable that people want "yes men" in their corners, but does everyone who says "no", or simply "maybe" necessarily have to be grouped within the ranks of Baal and Mephisto?  Why can't Chris 2.0 just be some kid who can't get his shit together to save his life?  Why couldn't Kevin be given the benefit of the doubt to change?  Why do others always become the villains?  Why are we our only true protagonists?

I suppose the answer is that it simply helps us understand our lives.  Or rather, it helps us survive by not having to deal with what's really there.  By vilifying everyone, we dehumanize them, which in turn takes away from our own humanity.  In the end, we are the villains of our stories.  Our happy ending depends mainly on how willing we are to forgive ourselves.

Vacation 2008 - Day 6

I woke up @ 7:45AM on Thursday in order to get my ass up to go to the open rehearsal of the SF Symphony. They were playing Shostakovich’s Piano Concerto #1 and Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite. I got ready late and instead of walking there like I had planned, I had to take a cab. I really like taking cabs. You learn all sorts of little things about the city. J

I got to Symphony Hall and had a chocolate donut and some coffee and then took my seat late in the front row of the second tier. The hall was beautiful! It had hanging acoustic panels to help propel the sound upward and outward, and the PA system was lowered from a giant pyramid that was mounted on the ceiling. The organ pipes were beautiful and the view from the second tier gave you a bird’s eye view of all the musicians in the orchestra.

Now, I don’t need to write too much about this experience because two posts ago I blogged the letter I sent to the SF Symphony. But I cried, and I kept on crying. I felt so much. Maestro Dudamel was a 27 y/o conductor, the youngest “major league player” in the world – he will actually take over the LA Philharmonic for Esa-Pekka Salonen in the ’09-’10 season as principal conductor. He is amazing and brings such life and energy to the group. He would bounce from side to side on stage and when he wanted the full force of the orchestra, he would heave his body at them, letting his wild hair fly forth. The orchestra reacted in kind and produced sonic art. Waves of sound pierced the air, and from them were born this undeniable beauty of the world. And it moved me to tears. That human beings could produce such a thing. That such things could exist in the world.

After the concert, I went to the Symphony bookstore and watched a DVD about the Venezuelan Youth Orchestra. There was an interview with a boy who played cello and he showed you his home – that he slept on the top bunk and his brother slept on the bottom. He told you how he loved his cello so much that he sleeps with it – that it’s his voice and he loves it so much. He then plays an excerpt from the Saint Saens Cello Concerto (a difficult piece for even a master’s student) and plays it beautifully. Afterwards, he hugs his cello and says, “I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t play my cello.” I fucking lost it after that. It’s even getting to me right now as I’m writing this.

Afterwards, I had lunch at some bad Chinese place and then did a tour of the SF Conservatory with a cute trombonist ;) Interestingly enough, the undergraduate violists sounded just as bad as undergraduate violists where I went to school.

After the Conservatory tour, I went to the Asian Art Museum. After 1 floor of learning about Buddhism in various countries, I was over it LOL I went downstairs to learn about Geisha, Courtesans and hand painted scrolls, and after that, I was on my way back to my hotel.

I invited over a boy, but I didn't think he was that cute and I told him I wasn't feeling it. He just kinda sat there for minutes, dumbfounded. It was sooooo awkward. :P I ended up feeling bad for inviting him over but not being attracted to him and bought him a drink and an appetizer that we shared.

More to come...

Vacation 2008 - Day 5

The day started with the boy I slept with the night before pressing his sweaty body against mine. “Go back to bed,” I say as I brush him away. Around 10AM, we start getting ready for our day: Brunch at Zazie, the DeYoung museum, the Legion of Honor museum, and a stroll through Golden Gate Park.

We get on the N line (the underground one – yay!) and head up to Zazie where we proceed to get plastered on “Sunshines” (a mango & champagne mimosa) while eating smoked salmon eggs benedict, Croque Royales, and lemon ricotta pancakes. We head to an organic pharmacy where we buy this weird fermented tea drink that’s naturally effervescent. Never trust a naturally effervescent fermented tea drink no matter how “organic” it may seem :P

We get on another bus to get to this Japanese garden. We find a secluded spot and he asks me if I smoke? Of course I do, but it has been about a year since I last did. What the hell… it’s my vacation, right?

The next few hours are a blur: I remember jumping a fence, finding a spot away from prying eyes and proceeded to have sex right there in this woodland clearing. It was beautiful. Something as raw as sex in a place as powerful as nature is an experience I think everyone should have. It makes you feel part of the world in a way that is entirely unique. I wish I took a picture. We were on this slope that overlooked this massive gorge just full of green and quiet. The sun’s rays shone through the trees above almost as if someone were filming it and there was a lighting crew creating special effects.

After we were done, we jumped back over the fence and went through “Hippie Hill”, which apparently is a place for vagrants who like to join drum circles. It was as if I had walked into a parallel universe – just like how I felt when I was in Japantown. In Japantown, everything was so peaceful and quiet. Here, at “Hippie Hill”, it was so free. People who had no jobs – who didn’t join the rat race of life – existing as if they were just part of some grand scheme, that Mother Nature would take care of them. It was odd, unsettling, and altogether refreshing.

I got back on the busline and headed back to my hotel to shower and take a nap. At 7PM, I wake up and get ready for my table for one at the elite French restaurant in SF – Gary Danko.

I have to say that Gary Danko was truly one of the highlights of my trip. I started with a glass of Riesling (the sweetest I’ve ever had with a nice lilt to the finish) and went with a 4 course meal: seared foie gras with rhubarb and caramelized onions (this is the best and most clear foie gras I’ve ever had in my life. So, I told my waiter to tell the chef that I thought this dish tasted like a Mendelssohn string quartet – all the flavors equal in their importance with clarity and refinement); sea scallops done two ways; roasted duck breast with lemon zest served with duck confit, celery root puree, fried leeks, and whole shallots. The cheese course consisted of a selection of 3 cheeses (although I got 4 selections because my waiter liked me :D) I had “drunken goat” cheese (a cheese that was aged in wine for 2 weeks so it’s outer rind is purple with wine stain and it also helps the cheese keep its moisture throughout – my favorite!), a cow’s milk cheese that has beta carotene added to it to give it a bright orange color which the King of France commissioned to be made so he could spot it across the banquet hall and use as a way to flirt with women), a fine gouda called “Midnight Moon”, and a semi-soft/semi-hard cheese that was also very enjoyable. These cheeses were served with grapes and crostini.

At this point, I was SO FULL. So, when my waiter asked if I wanted after-dinner coffee, I declined, to which he said, “Well, what will you drink with the plate of cookies the chef has prepared especially for you?” Apparently, the chef liked my comment about the foie gras being like a Mendelssohn string quartet! :D The plate came out and it was sheer decadence! Candied orange rinds, raspberry gelee, cocoa butter rolled in sugar, the lightest meringue ever, a slice of fudge, lemon genoise, chocolate soufflé, and others that I couldn’t describe if I tried. Afterwards, my waiter came to me and told me that the chef said he wanted to meet me. So, I got a private, behind the scenes tour of one of the finest restaurants in SF. And I got to meet the chef and told him he was an artist, not just a chef, because his intent was definitely well-received! I told him that the foie gras was the most exquisite I’ve ever had and congratulated him. The chef sent me home with a “coffee cake” he prepared for me made with cream cheese, with an orange and chocolate soufflé base.

When I got back to the hotel, I was not only decadently plump but also wired from the cappuccino that I had with dessert. The whole time I was at dinner, I felt so taken care of and really very fulfilled, except for one thing… this whole trip, something has been on my mind – I really wanted to share all of these experiences with Chris 2.0. I wish he could have been there at dinner to share in the amazing food. I wish he could have been on the bay cruise looking at the city as the sun set. I wish I could have shared all the sexual experiences with him and fallen asleep and woken up next to him in the morning in the hotel room.

I grabbed the phone and called him, even though it was midnight by this point. I professed my love for him and how I was tired of pretending like I didn’t love or need him. I told him how he’s the only person I’ve ever really wanted to be with since I’ve met him 3 years ago. I demanded that we be together because we are meant to be together. And then the voicemail ended.

His reponse? To be continued…

Letter to the SF Symphony

Dear Members of the SF Symphony,

My name is Quyen Nguyen and I am a violist in Southern California. Even though I hold a BM in viola performance, play with the La Jolla Symphony, and keep a teaching studio, I am not a fulltime musician. Instead, I decided sometime ago that classical music is on its way out, that nobody really understands our art, and that classical musicians are woefully underappreciated, even though we work for years honing our skills. (I'm sure being a violist, on top of all that, increased those sentiments somehow :P)

Anyway, when I was doing music fulltime as a career, I would come to rehearsal, sit in my chair, play, people would clap, and I would walk away with my paycheck - and I became pretty jaded. I felt that what I did really didn't make a difference and had no real point. Year after year, audience sizes would shrink, orchestras would go bankrupt, and more and more people thought being a "classical musician" wasn't any better than working retail or some other unskilled job. My colleagues admitted they felt the same way more often than not. So, I quit.

Years later, I find myself sitting in this morning's open rehearsal of Stravinsky's Firebird, and you know that story about how if you play with enough heart and emotion that you'll make your audience cry? Well, I never believed that story, until this morning, when I started crying. Seriously, mascara was everywhere.

I didn't cry because you made me feel sad or it triggered some nostalgic and tragic event in my life; I cried because as I was watching Maestro Dudamel passionately emote from the podium, with each of you giving back just as passionately, I witnessed beauty. I witnessed the beauty of the world contained in a concert hall - beauty that made the world a better place, beauty that could help people deal with the stresses and rigors of life.

And I realized that I was so wrong to think that being a musician was little more than entertaining a crowd or filling the gap of silence. For the very first time, I witnessed the power of our art. Music was one of the few things that made the world a better place, that exuded true beauty - and here you all were, creating it.

Maybe you get emails like this all the time, and maybe you don't, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to congratulate all of you for your talent and courage to pursue a path that everyone may not readily appreciate. For without you, there would have been one less place in the world where beauty could exist. One less place art could breathe. And to be honest, one less person who came to the realization that it's the beauty in the world that makes life truly worth living.

Thank you.

Vacation 2008 - Day 4

I'm constantly surprised. It's like I'm living the life of Quyen that never had the possibility of happening. A whirlwind standing in one place - me. My life. My journey, and everyone else passes through to share their lives with me.

Padraic, the guy from Ireland that I went out to the bar with the other night, and I had Dim Sum together at Yank Sing and then proceeded to go to Pier 39 to buy my sourdough teddy bear (which is SO ugly lol) After that, we went to Japan Town and had sushi and I bought a $200 kimono. It is so beautiful and has long flowing sleeves. It was described to me as the "business suits" for the women of Japan. It's vintage and has some sweat stains in the sleeves and whatnot. But I justify the price by the quality of the craftsmanship and the fact that it's a piece of history, and also, I could have easily spent $200 on a designer dress from BCBG or some other place.

After that, I came home and decided to hang out with a couple friends, who I, again, had sex with :P Both were pretty amazing experiences. Well, the first one was anyway. It's weird. I would never do this in my normal life. But I feel like maybe this is all sort of some weird yearning I have to do these things anyway. Maybe I'm not so different from Mitch after all?

For dinner, I visited the hotel restaurant and laid $51.00 on a rich clam chowder and miso glazed sea bass with clam dumplings. Exquisite!

I can't wait to get home and wear my kimono somewhere! So, today is the DeYoung Museum and the Legion of Honor. Brunch and a possible stroll in the park... and then the culinary finale of my trip... Gary Danko @ 9PM :)

Vacation 2008 - Day 3

Okay, this trip just keeps getting crazier and crazier :P

I went to Pier 39 to meet a food writer and PA to the executive chef for Google (foodie's dream come true, right? :P) We ended up hanging out for awhile and held hands all around and ate lunch. I then went on the Bay cruise which was awesome! I stood at the very front of the boat and let the wind mess up my hair lol :P It was great just being out and alive and alone. I thought I would mind it alot, but I don't. It's comforting going wherever I please and doing whatever I want.

After I got home, I was bored and lonely, so I invited this Econ major from Berkeley over to hang out. Yes, we had sex, but it was totally weird and awkward. I'm telling you, younger men look great, but they have absolutely no idea what to do in the bedroom! lol :P Once that was over, I made plans to go to a nice lounge with a friend over at the St. Francis Drake hotel. When we got there, they closed the bar! So we ended up going to this dive bar - me in a short dress, high heels, and a trench coat. I was so out of place, but proceeded to get totally knackered - gin & tonic, buttery nipple, blowjob, Scooby snack, and another buttery nipple.

We ended up going to my friend's hotel and stayed up talking for hours! His hotel room was like my apartment! It had a living room and everything and was so nice! We ended up drinking some screwdrivers from the minibar and then proceeded to pass out. I woke up in the nicest hotel I've ever been in! And no, we didn't have sex, kiss, or even cuddle. Wait a minute, yes, I think we did cuddle actually. I was too drunk to really remember anything lol :P

This morning, I got ready and he and I are going to the best Dim Sum place in SF: Yank Sing. I'm excited and starving! He better get here soon!

Vacation 2008 - Day 2

So last night was a trip! My flight into SF was delayed 2 hours and it had NO electronic functionality! :( I was really disappointed with Virgin America. When I got into town, I sat for 40 minutes in a shuttle waiting to amass enough passengers to leave the airport.

Then, I met an old friend from SD who is studying for the bar and he showed me the seedy Tenderloin (what streets not to walk down etc, and whatnot). Then I went to the Asian Art Museum to get all my bus passes and CityPass booklet. I went back to my hotel and tried to get situated in my room, but they had already given my room away! I booked in a month ago! I was so angry. They wanted to give me a crappy 7th floor room on the side of the hotel with a busy, noisy street. I told them I'd be back at 8 and that should give them enough time to fix things :P

I took my first bus (F-line) to Pier 33 to make the Alcatraz night tour just in time! Alcatraz is so interesting... I can't even imagine being locked up in there... kinda crazy... We sailed back to a sunset over the Golden Gate Bridge and a fantastic view of SF. It took me another hour to get back to the hotel, but I befriended these 4 gay guys who walked me back to my hotel on their way back home :) Quyenchilla = Ultimate Fag Hag :P

I ended up meeting this French visual/fashion designer from Asia for drinks around 10PM. We headed over to this super elite lounge where everyone knew him (he must have been famous somehow?) We covered a whole night of drinks and shots and I got pretty wasted :P We had these amazing conversations about life and love and what we're doing with our time as souls. Pretty deep stuff eh? I invited him back up to my hotel room, and we just slept together - no making out, no sex, nothing. This morning, I woke up to Chocolate ganache cake on the side of the bed that he slept on, and a voicemail saying something like: "I love you. I know that's inappropriate, but I think you're one of the most amazing and beautiful people I've had the pleasure of meeting. Thank you for last night, even if we never see each other again."

A little backstory... we were talking and he's like can I see you this week? And I said, everything has its time and place, and that maybe he and I would share 6 hours of our lives together - ever. And that has to be enough. Because maybe tomorrow, someone else will be our soulmates for the day and so on and so forth.

Anyway, I've typed enough. Today is Fisherman's Wharf, Boudin's, Ghiradelli, the Aquarium and a Bay Cruise :) Ta for now ;)

Vacation 2008 - Day 1

So my long awaited vacation is finally here, and I have only one goal - make this trip worth the $1,500 I spent on it :D I'm at the airport right now using the free WiFi and staving off hunger until I can drink on the plane. Yes, people; I will be getting my cocktail on starting at 9:30AM lol :P I figure it would be fun and glamorous to order a gin and tonic or vodka on the rocks first thing in the morning on an empty stomache :P It'd be like something out of "Absolutely Fabulous" :P

So, I'll arrive in SF around 10:45AM - then grab a shuttle to the hotel to drop off my bags. I have a lunch/museum date with an old friend from San Diego who moved to SF after he finished law school. I'll check into the hotel around 3PM and then head to the bay for my Alcatraz tour starting at 4:30PM. I'll get back on land around 7:30, which should be time for dinner ;)

After that, the world is my oyster... Who knows what could happen? ;) I might actually end up springing for the internet connection in my hotel. Why? I don't want to be trucking my sorry ass to the library every day for the free WiFi there... lol

I'm super excited and feel a brand of indepence that I've never felt before. As a woman, you often feel like you have to go with a man to protect you or at least a group of women for solidarity. It's a sort of a socially accepted co-dependence thing. By going by myself. I feel like I can do anything! Is this what men feel like everyday? :P I hope I don't get mugged. But who knows? Maybe it's just the experience I need to make this trip worth remembering! hahahahaha :P

The Schizoid Complex

As I started healing my schizoid complex, I realized that I was afraid to face the world as who I truly was. I had this innate fear that who I was at my very core was not the person that people wanted. And so, I began to change who I was in order to become the person I thought others wanted me to be.

My realization that I didn't want to be an accountant was a loud and rude awakening for me. I came to terms with who I was at the core: a creative and artistic spirit who wanted to make a difference in the world; and I shed the shroud of materialism and greed I had begun to acquire.

I want to be happy, even if I'm poor. I want to make a life for myself that I will be proud to have lived. Even if I don't "make it", I will at least live how I want to live, not how I "ought" to live. I want to create for the rest of my life, not run processes and engage in repetitions.

I am truly the Corporate Scandal.

I dropped out of school today...

It's strange what happens when you decide to "face the music"... I realize how against the grain my current line of work is to who I am as a person. I also realize that my so-called goals, are not really my own - just a disguise for what the world expects, and in turn, what I am doing to "please" the world.

I want out, ASAP. In reality, I don't care if I'm rich, as long as I'm happy. I'm not sure how I convinced myself that making money would make me happy. I'm not very materialistic to begin with. I'd rather be poor and in love with my life than rich and miserable. I don't want to wake up everyday of my life, hating my job. I've never done what's "right" and "sensible"... so why start now?

I realize I'm a "make ends meet" sort of person to begin with - in a word: resourceful. But life isn't about making money and amassing wealth. Life is about enjoying the time you're spending while the days pass you by. Maybe my friends aren't so backwards. Maybe being poor isn't the worst thing that can happen to you (like I began to start believing). Maybe simply not wanting to be living your own life is the worst thing that can happen to you. I feel like that's the boat I'm in right now :(

An Honest Post

I'm in love with a man who I know cares about me but will never love me enough to put me before himself.

I've tried telling myself that I'm just in love with the idea of what we could be and not what we are. I've also tried chalking my feelings for him up to the great sex and his good looks, but I know that's not all I see in him. I've also tried rationalizing my emotions by basing them on the few times we've shared a significant memory, but that doesn't even come close to explaining why I'm still around after all the terrible memories...

Sometimes I feel like there's something seriously disturbed about how I view love. Is it just a game of cat and mouse? Am I in love with him because he's a challenge? Maybe. He's the one man I've never been able to capture fully. But even in the times I had "won" him for that hour, or that day, I always craved more. I always wished it would never end.

It's not like I feel amazingly beautiful or sexy around him. I don't feel impressive or irrefutably intelligent either. At the same time, I don't feel desperate or sad. Neither unhappy, nor defeated. It doesn't make clear sense to me why he still captures my interest and even my heart to this day.

We don't have that much in common, barring video games and sex, but there's something about him which draws me into this world where I truly believe he and I should be together. We are meant to be together - that's what I always tell myself.

He hasn't dated anyone seriously for the past 5 years, and I've been his only sex partner for the last 2.5 years of his life. When he feels like saying it, he tells me he loves me. In fact, he told me that he's loved me only a few weeks after we first met, but never told me. I told him that I realized that I was in love with him after he fell asleep while we were watching a movie. Random, I know. But there was something very powerful about knowing he was dead to the world while I was awake with a whirlwind of emotions and feelings spiraling out of control inside of me even without an imput from him - so much so that it all overflowed and my eyes started welling up with tears.

Maybe I started crying because I realized it could never be - that we were two very different people who led very different lives and that it could never realistically work. Or maybe I started to cry because there was nothing else I wanted more than to fall asleep every night like that - with him out like a rock and in my arms.

I remember all the bad stuff, it's true. I'll never forget what it was like to have him flake on me all of those times. It really killed me a little each time. But I forgive, and truly forget. With him, it's all I know how to do.

But then I remember the times that showed him at his best: my candlelit bedroom, stargazing on blankets in the park, gaming at the net cafe... and times that I wanted to be with him just for the sake of being there with him: sleeping in his attic on a sleeping bag, playing WoW so I could chat with him in-game, driving to his place at 3AM to sleep over for 4 hours after he had a bad day.

I constantly try to convince him that we're perfect for each other, but I'm not sure he's convinced. I guess what matters is that I'm convinced, completely. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish we were falling asleep together.

Sweet dreams.

I love you.

Good night.

Quyenchilla - Level 2!

So, with my new job, I feel as if I'm a character in a role playing game and I just went up a level :P I'm becoming a much more specialized worker now and my job is definitely not "entry level" anymore. It's a good feeling, but also brings in the reality of how stark a contrast this all is from previous jobs and projects I've worked on.

The more I get into accounting, the more I realize how truly challenging and trying it is on a day to day basis. This week, I worked 54 hours. I'll also teach about 8 hours tomorrow. I'm starting to work too much... but it's the learning curve and growing pains of a new job; that's all. I'll get faster and eventually, this will be a 40 hour job again :P

As for school, I got a 95% on my Econ test and have the 2nd highest grade in the class for accounting :) I'm kinda falling behind in my computer class though :( I can't wait to take my vacation! :)

Emotional Economics

All we hear is that we should spend our money on things that will help make our limited resources go further: buy an education versus a vacation to Cabo because an education (although grueling) will ultimately help you make more money by extending your resources than say the immediate happiness granted by your dream vacation.

But what effect does that Cabo vacation or any other "consumer good" have on the limited resource of your happiness? In essence, is the Cabo vacation a capital good when it concerns your emotional well-being? Really, what are the effects of spending money on consumer goods if consumer goods actually makes your emotional resources go further?

We are our best and most valued business: we are the sole beneficiaries of all the profits we reap, we are the ones who will benefit from any growth our business makes, and most importantly, we are the proverbial CEO's of our company, able to make and guide the future of our enterprise.

Now, let's say we use time as one of our limited resources. Wouldn't we be more productive if that time was spent doing something that invigorates and inspires us, thereby increasing our energy levels and our emotional resources, than something which is defeating and makes us less and less likely to want to achieve anything?

Maybe doing without a consumer good like an iPod isn't such a good idea if it means drudging through your workday with no music to make it pass by more quickly and be more enjoyable. Maybe doing without that new car isn't the greatest thing to do if your junker stresses you out by breaking down all the time.

The way I see it is that you can always choose to buy the "capital goods" that economists tout as the holy grail of financial well-being, but what about the capital goods for your soul? By buying into the hype of Roth IRAs and 401k's, you don't leave much room for the economic growth of your emotional resources. And if we're talking business, not taking care of your parent company by allocating resources to your satellite company is like only feeding the children in a starving African family. Who is going to take care of those kids when their parents have already died of dysentary?

Therapy

I go to therapy for a variety of reasons. Something I'm working on now is releasing my inner child more often instead of bottling it up inside (I know it sounds corny). Basically, I'm so strong all the time, for my friends as a shoulder to cry on, or for myself (so I can push ahead with my goals and aspirations) that I never cry or feel much mercy for others. I'm also incredibly hard on myself and don't give myself a lot of slack - I always have to know the answer and do things the right way otherwise I feel useless.

You might say to yourself, "Those things are required for your survival as a responsible and successful adult" and I agree, but even so-called adults give themselves a pat on the back sometimes, and that's something I have trouble doing - being happy with where I'm at in life.

I've done lots of amazing things in my life - won the national championship on viola and competed internationally as the US representative, played viola on National Public Radio, solo'd and composed for various orchestras around the country, I've tutored the SAT, writing at the college level, been director of piano in LA, played film scores in the most elite studios in the industry... and even now, I'm 24 y/o working 2 jobs and making roughly $55K a year, own and run my own business, play with the La Jolla Symphony, manage a band which I compose and play for, am going back to school for my CPA, getting promoted at work, and to add to my financial and personal success, I've been engaged before and am still best friends with my some of my ex'es.

However, for me, nothing is good enough. I want to make 6 figures by the time I'm 35, I hope to find my partner for life one day, and so on and so on and so on. You see, it's hard for me to be satisfied with myself because I don't usually respect others. And because I don't respect others, I don't want to live mundane lives like they do where they stagnate and just die off. But because I detest living a lackluster life, I tend to suck all the fun out of just living and being happy. So yeah... it's all weird and cyclical as you can see.

In therapy, I do affirmations like "I accept myself as who I truly am" to try to embrace my inner child and let myself just be innocent. Whereas most people tend to not take enough responsibility for their lives, I tend to do so so much that I beat myself up over it.

Therapy for me is an hour where I don't have to have all the answers and "be all that I can be".

Talk about issues, huh? :P

Perspective

Sometimes, you feel like you're never getting anywhere and that you have to do and be more than you are, and you get so caught up in it that you start to feel this never-ending malaise of inadequacy.

"I wish I were this successful, two years ago" "In 5 more years, I'll have such and such to show for it" "By the time I'm his age, I want to be that" It's not bad to think these things. In fact, it's called having initiative and goals for your existence, but sometimes, I think people who do this can be so driven that it compromises the quality of life they are trying to assume for themselves.

Then you talk to an old friend and hear about what they've been doing with their lives, and it's then that you really see the direction in which your life has been taken. All I want to say right now is that I'm really proud of where I am today. I got through a lot to get here and went through things alot of people could not have handled, in my opinion. And through it all, I still desire growth and inspiration from my life.

I'm 24 y/o and really have my shit together these days. It wasn't always this way, but I'm glad to say my life is on its way to a better tomorrow :)

Finances & Vacation

So, I just did my budget and I will be hitting the $10K mark at the very end of March. So, that will cross NYR #6 off of the list! Yay!

NYR #5 is pretty much null and void since I'll be switching positions on Tuesday and will leave the backlog to my successor.

As for my vacation in March, I've decided on San Francisco! I booked 5 nights at a 4 star hotel in Union Square and will be doing all the touristy things like Alcatraz, Asian Art Museum, MOMA, De Young, Legion of Honor, Aquarium of the Bay, Exploratorium, shopping, SF Symphony, SF Conservatory, day spa, Chinatown, Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39, Gary Danko, see a musical or a play, and exploring the nightlife!

The trip is jam packed and will cost almost the entire amount of my tax return! But since this will be my first real vacation in a few years (the Grand Canyon trip was a total waste of good vacation time due to Mitch's stomach ache) I decided it was time to really splurge! :) I'm also flying Virgin America airlines which is a totally high tech flight! Yay! :D

STDs, Tax Returns, and Spring Break! Oh my! :P

So, I'm super psyched! I went and got all my STD/HIV tests done and I came through negative on all of them! Even herpes! Yay! :D I thought for sure that I already had gotten herpes from Mitch...

Anyway, in other news, I'm planning my Spring Break :D (Sunday, March 16th through Friday, March 21st) I'm deciding between NYC and San Francisco. I think I'll try to make some online friends during the next month who I can meet while I'm there, but this time, I'll take the vacation alone (first time!)

Lastly, my tax refund is going to be $1,900.00! I'm almost to $10K now! (which is New Year's Resolution # 6) :)

w00t!

So, I've already accomplished #2 on my New Year's Resolutions list! Yay!

I had 7 students, and wanted 12; I now have 13! I teach a full 8 hours now on Saturdays (10AM-6PM). I'm planning a masterclass in May with a colleague of mine on "The Economics of Time Management: How to practice smarter, not harder". I'm very excited to be working on this project.

I've also decided to make small steps with technology in my music studio as an investment. Things like recording the lessons and sending them (via email) to students. Also, I'd like to purchase CDs, books, and software to lend to my students in order to inspire them. Additionally, I'd also like to invest in some new teaching materials to help make me a better teacher.

I also learned why I am such a good teacher from an epiphany I had during some recent energy release work - I want my kids to be able to express their inner child - something I didn't have the opportunity to do when I was a child. That's why I encourage making mistakes. Because the essence of childhood is innocence, and innocence means letting yourself just "be" - you don't have to know all the answers, or be smart, strong, wise or right. That's how you learn - you have to allow yourself to make mistakes! :D

GAH!

I hate my new job! I wish I had never been promoted :(

Training for this position has been frustrating and exhausting. I didn't realize it when I took up the offer, but it's at least twice as hard as my current job. There are several more processes to run and things I'll be doing in the future are like the things I do now, only more complex and involved.

I'll be in charge of:
Invoices (A - G)
Booking domestic wires
Canadian wires (payment & booking)
Weekly check run (between 150 - 300 checks each week)

Pros:
I'll be a very integral part of the Accounts Payable team
The tasks I have are varied
The tasks I have require decision making
The job is not an entry-level position, and is somewhat specialized (I'm replacing the most senior member of our team)

Cons:
The deadlines I have range from daily to monthly (it was weekly)
High volume position (more companies' names fall between A - G than all the other letters)
Barely any "idle time" (no time to work on homework at work!)
More vendors, people, and approvals to deal with (lots more politics)

I must say that I wouldn't be able to handle this position without having had my previous experience before. Having my previous position allowed me to understand my new position much more because they were either related or they allowed me insight into my new tasks.

I'm having a hell of a time working both of my jobs while they find a replacement. But I have to just let myself deal with it. They can't expect one person to do 16 hours of work in 8 hours. I'm doing the best I can, but it still stresses me out. *sigh*

YAY!

I got promoted at work! :D YAY!

The details are kind of hush-hush right now. Basically, one of the invoicing people is leaving to another department, and the position needs to be filled. The plan is to hire a temp to replace my position as the interdepartmental change happens. Then, I will step in as the new invoice processing person.

I have no idea who is going to leave. If I had to decide between Jack, Althera, Kathy, and Lan, then I'd probably say either Lan or Jack. I'm excited to be promoted! And honored that I was chosen to be promoted before Beth, my co-worker, seeing as she's been her 3 years, and I've only been here for one!

Oh Happy Day! :D

Quyen

"there is a gathering in the forest. the leaves have refused to change. they say that they are tired of things never remaining the same, of dying to be reborn, of winter's dry withered hand. they are praying for an eternal spring. even i expected that the beautiful autumn must have been ecstasy for the leaves. but they admit that there is nothing more painful than changing from green to yellow to red to brown. they insist that their beauty is a prolonged suffering. they say they will never change again.


i have told them that everything has its season." - Saul Williams, SHE

Existence

We've all heard the old philosophical question that if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? I now pose this question, if you're too concerned with others opinions of you that you are afraid to be the true you, then does the true you even really exist?

I'd say no. I believe there is no way for the true you to have taken part in any discussion or event. Therefore, the true you had absolutely no impact on whatever you perceivably took part in.

When you disguise yourself from being seen, then you won't be seen. It's that simple. For people who hide from others around them everyday, whether it be behind masks or lies or even designer clothes and expensive cars, they build a barrier between the world and themselves. Once the barrier is set in place, it is very difficult to tear down the walls and present one's true self. Because of this, it is easier to keep lying, keep wearing the mask, and to keep spending money for clothes and cars to impress people.

The thing about people is that they do not like to degrade. And more than that, they do not like to disappoint. These two factors together are a lethal combination and completely applicable to those who put up barriers:

Let's say Mr. X is dating a new girl. He shows off his money and acts extra attentive to gain her interest. Let's assume that the way he is presenting himself is not the true Mr. X at work. In this scenario, he is wearing a mask with the goal of impressing this girl.

Now, once he's won her affection, how easy do you think it is for him to stop this forced behavior and revert to his true self? Mr. X might think inside of his head that if he does show the true him that the image he has created for himself will DEGRADE (Strike 1) because he will no longer be upholding the status quo that he created for himself in the beginning of the relationship.

The other thought crossing Mr. X's mind will be that if the girl sees that he is not the rich, well-mannered man she thought he was, then she will be DISAPPOINTED (Strike 2) and leave him. So you see, the one-two punch of degradation and disappointment is a serious threat. It's so scary to face, in fact, that many will keep the ruse going just to avoid having to deal with it.

However, we all know that lies beget lies, and those lies beget even more lies. At what point are you ever your true self anymore? At what point does juggling all the masks and images you present to the world become so unwieldy that you feel that degradation and disappointment for all is the better option? Will one ever feel that way?

It's very cyclical, and it's incredibly hard to stop without intervention or simply a dead stop at rock bottom. Why be your true self when it would degrade your image and disappoint your audience? It's so much easier to keep up the ruse, even at the cost of your true identity.

This all makes so much sense - except for one small detail... How do you know you would disappoint your audience by being the true you? You have no way of knowing whether they would be happy or unhappy with the true you. By believing that you would disappoint them, you are unfairly taking away their ability to decide for themselves. You do not have the right to do so.

So, look at this again: Mr. X can revert to his true self and DEGRADE his image. However, keep in mind that degradation is a natural aspect of life that we all must deal with, whether it's aging or otherwise. However, Mr. X should not feel that he will DISAPPOINT, as he has no way of making that decision for others. This makes it a bit easier to avoid our "lethal duo".

Or better yet, Mr. X can go ahead and be his true self from the beginning, knowing that he is being the best version of himself that he knows how to be. And if that's not good enough, other people can just go fuck themselves ;)

Burning Out

My job makes me and my body very sad :( I sit in a chair all day and do two things: audit and match checks. In fact, those are the only two skills I use each week.

A moron can match checks - All you have to do is check to see if the amount, invoice # and date, and the remit address matches and then paperclip them together.

Auditing, on the other hand, takes a trifle more brain power, albeit not much. You have to make sure the receipt amount match the amount expensed on the expense report. You also have to make sure that there is a payment method (like cash or credit card) listed somewhere on the receipt, showing that they, in fact, paid for this expense.

Sounds easy, right? Except for the fact that employees are constantly trying to cheat the company by trying to get reimbursed for items they never paid for and dues for professional groups they are not a part of. It is here where my miserly side can shine :P

All in all, the tasks I must do for my day job are worthy of the "short bus" at best, except that the sheer volume of work is stifling! I audit around 400-700 expense reports a week and match anywhere from 175 to 300 checks every week. I'm also solely responsible for releasing payments for a whole country: Canada.

This job hurts my soul. It would be easy except for the fact that I'm always fucking busy. Plus, my back is killing me. Please save me from this corporate hell.

If something has to go first...

...it's going to be the La Jolla Symphony. I got ANOTHER parking ticket last night!

I think since I've started, I've racked up $270 in parking expenses. That is total bullshit. I'm tired of it, and I shouldn't have to "pay to play" so to speak :P I'm going to seriously consider dropping the LJS after February's concert.

In other news, the work week has been slow. So, I've had a chance to do some catching up :)

Overload

My weekly schedule starting the 28th of this month will be the following:

Monday:
8:00 - 9:25 - Economics
10:00 - 6:30 - Work
7:00 - 10:00 - La Jolla Symphony

Tuesday:
7:20 - 9:25 - Accounting
10:00 - 6:30 - Work

Wednesday:
8:00 - 9:25 - Economics
10:00 - 6:30 - Work
7:00 - 10:00 - La Jolla Symphony (possible)

Thursday:
7:20 - 9:25 - Accounting
10:00 - 6:30 - Work

Friday:
7:30 - 4:00 - Work

Saturday:
10:30 - 5:30 - Teaching

Sunday:
String Quartet (possible)

On top of all of that, I need to find time to add another online course in Computer Information Systems, do homework, work overtime when needed (about 4 hours a week), recruit more students, date, cook for myself, do things like go grocery shopping, laundry, and spend time with my kitties and read. Not to mention relax once in awhile with friends and play video games, and also sleep!

I wonder if something will have to give, eventually. Hopefully my sanity isn't the first to go! :(

Happier Days Ahead

New Year's Resolutions revisited:

1) I paid for all my course tuition.
2) I am going to start two new students by the end of the month.
3) They are still alive
4) I read another chapter in the book and listened to a podcast on "Transfats"
5) I'm making small dents in my backwork
6) I now have $5K saved up :)
7) I gave the music to my cellist (hey, it's a start)
8) Mitch checked my oil for me. Yay! :)
9) Um... yeah... about that... :P
10) ...and that too... :P

Boyfriend

So, I've been thinking that with everything I'm going to be going through (work, school, teaching, symphony, etc) that I really don't have time for a boyfriend. Mitch has already made it very clear that he has no interest in being in a committed relationship. I'm still having sex with him and hanging out with him. So, in the end, I suppose he got exactly what he wanted :P Nice going, Quyen hahaha

On the other hand, I do have more free time and I've gotten to explore my own sexual freedom as a single woman ;) It takes a little getting used to because I tried to get away from that lifestyle awhile ago, and I'm not sure my roomie really enjoys meeting the various guys I bring home. I think, eventually, I'll meet someone I want to date, but until then, it's all just fun, right? ;)

There is a guy I have in mind to fill the vacant position, but time will tell if we'll work well together or not... Either way, I figure that just looking out for #1 is the way to go for now. I'm tired of being the model relationship citizen. Putting others above yourself is for chumps. It doesn't seem like any good really ever comes out of it when all is said and done.

New Year's Resolutions

I have 10 of them and here we go:

1) Go back to school to fulfill some undergraduate courses as a prerequisite to transferring to SDSU as an accounting major. I'll also need to get a grade of "C" or better in order to be reimbursed for my classes as well as my textbooks.

2) Increase my teaching studio from 7 students (currently) to 12 students. Doing so would increase my annual income by $6.5K!

3) Not abandon my cats if I end up having to move sometime in the year. They provide so much comfort and love for only $50/month :)

4) Finish reading "On Cooking", a 1400-page culinary school textbook. It will help increase my knowledge of food as well as hone my knife skills and food presentation aesthetic.

5) Get all caught up with back work at my day job. If I have nothing to do, my boss will let me do my homework at work :)

6) Save $10K for my jaw surgery. That will cover 40% (hopefully not less!) of the cost of surgery.

7) Start playing chamber music. I would gladly trade playing in the La Jolla Symphony if I could play in a good string quartet!

8) Make my car last just one more year until I can lease or finance a new or used car in 2009.

9) Play less video games, and think more (write poetry, read books, practice music, cook, etc)

10) Be more physically active and live a healthier life. Maybe not on a set schedule, but when I have the time and inclination, I'd like to take a hike, or exercise on the elliptical machine at the gym at work, prepare a healthy meal, or simply meditate.

Going Back to School...

This is kind of degrading. So yeah, I fucked up and didn't finish my bachelor's in music because I was too prideful. But in the end, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I got the needed education in order to pursue a career as a music teacher and professional gigging violist. So, in the end, I accomplished what I wanted to anyway.

But now, I have to think about what I'll be doing with my career 15 years from now. And that includes building on my skill set as an accountant. I know I don't want to be making $35K a year for the rest of my life with measly 2.5% raises each year. So, I decided I needed to go back to school and get an education. Fair Isaac, the company I work for, will fund my education as long as I get a "C" or better in each class.

So, beginning January 28th, I'll be going back to school with a 10 unit load under my belt! I'm very nervous and very excited! Excited because I'm actually taking steps toward a new and lucrative career path, but nervous because I'm trying something new that I may possibly not be very good at :(

But challenging things are no stranger to me. In fact, I think I've done quite well with the challenges I've faced thus far in my life :) It'll take me 2 more semesters of semi-full semester loads until I can transfer to SDSU and declare a major so I can take my upper division classes. But I have to treat it like I'm starting over basically from scratch. even if it takes me 10 years to finish my degree, I'm determined to do so! And who knows? Maybe I'll double major in music since I only need a handful of classes to complete the degree! :D

Wish me luck! :)