An Honest Post

I'm in love with a man who I know cares about me but will never love me enough to put me before himself.

I've tried telling myself that I'm just in love with the idea of what we could be and not what we are. I've also tried chalking my feelings for him up to the great sex and his good looks, but I know that's not all I see in him. I've also tried rationalizing my emotions by basing them on the few times we've shared a significant memory, but that doesn't even come close to explaining why I'm still around after all the terrible memories...

Sometimes I feel like there's something seriously disturbed about how I view love. Is it just a game of cat and mouse? Am I in love with him because he's a challenge? Maybe. He's the one man I've never been able to capture fully. But even in the times I had "won" him for that hour, or that day, I always craved more. I always wished it would never end.

It's not like I feel amazingly beautiful or sexy around him. I don't feel impressive or irrefutably intelligent either. At the same time, I don't feel desperate or sad. Neither unhappy, nor defeated. It doesn't make clear sense to me why he still captures my interest and even my heart to this day.

We don't have that much in common, barring video games and sex, but there's something about him which draws me into this world where I truly believe he and I should be together. We are meant to be together - that's what I always tell myself.

He hasn't dated anyone seriously for the past 5 years, and I've been his only sex partner for the last 2.5 years of his life. When he feels like saying it, he tells me he loves me. In fact, he told me that he's loved me only a few weeks after we first met, but never told me. I told him that I realized that I was in love with him after he fell asleep while we were watching a movie. Random, I know. But there was something very powerful about knowing he was dead to the world while I was awake with a whirlwind of emotions and feelings spiraling out of control inside of me even without an imput from him - so much so that it all overflowed and my eyes started welling up with tears.

Maybe I started crying because I realized it could never be - that we were two very different people who led very different lives and that it could never realistically work. Or maybe I started to cry because there was nothing else I wanted more than to fall asleep every night like that - with him out like a rock and in my arms.

I remember all the bad stuff, it's true. I'll never forget what it was like to have him flake on me all of those times. It really killed me a little each time. But I forgive, and truly forget. With him, it's all I know how to do.

But then I remember the times that showed him at his best: my candlelit bedroom, stargazing on blankets in the park, gaming at the net cafe... and times that I wanted to be with him just for the sake of being there with him: sleeping in his attic on a sleeping bag, playing WoW so I could chat with him in-game, driving to his place at 3AM to sleep over for 4 hours after he had a bad day.

I constantly try to convince him that we're perfect for each other, but I'm not sure he's convinced. I guess what matters is that I'm convinced, completely. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish we were falling asleep together.

Sweet dreams.

I love you.

Good night.