Writing?

So I read this article about "Living With JOY (Journey Of You)" and it was talking about finding yourself through your talents spreading the joy of living through them. So, I volunteered to play for a benefit concert for breast cancer. Yay for using my talents to spread joy ;)

Then I started thinking about my friend who wants to write a screenplay and be an actor - something that he would find fulfilling and as if he is leaving a legacy to the world. I then started to think of my own life. What legacy do I want to leave with the world?

I could play music, but I don't really play for myself anymore. It's not something that fulfills me anymore. Anything I would do from here on out would only seem like a disappointment after all the other things I've accomplished with music.

I love to teach music, and I'm very passionate about imparting the lessons of music and the mysteries it holds. I've always been a passionate teacher, but I doubt I'll ever be considered an expert in my field as far as that goes.

The list goes on and on, and the more I try to find a niche, the more I realize that there isn't a niche that needs to be filled. Life isn't about making your mark, but rather, doing what makes you feel good about the world you live in which, in turn, makes the world a better place.

I've always wanted to write a fantasy novel (a la video game RPG) - with magic, a chaste system, in a world about to be torn apart
I've always wanted to compile a book of my poetry
I've always wanted to redefine the string quartet through composing and arranging, then take it on the road.
I've always wanted to be a life mentor and watch my protege take the world by storm
I've always wanted to crack the music pedagogy code
I've always wanted to teach college-aged students music or literature

I have so much inside of me still, it seems.

Martyr or Angel?

I recently learned that one of my good friends is not only a compulsive liar, but also has had suicidal and self-defeating thoughts about life. All I feel is empathy because I know what it's like to compulsively lie, and I also know what it's like to feel like there's nothing good in the world. On top of all this, my friend feels like they are a loser - and I also know how that feels, having been unemployed for months and laid up in bed with a broken foot.

When I've been down on my luck, I've always had a support system to rely on - whether it was my best friend who I could tell anything to and who taught me that you don't have to lie in order for someone to like and appreciate you, to those who believed in the light at the end of the tunnel. But my friend doesn't have the support system that I do, and so I feel that it is my moral and karmic duty to be that for him.

But part of me tells me that I'm just getting myself into trouble and it's not my job to fix people who are broken (per my track record of taking in strays) but another part of me is reminded of my duty as a compassionate human being to make the world a better place, one person at a time. It's amazing to me that even I, as heartless as I can pretend I am sometimes, know when to cast away my own petty needs so that more important needs can take its place. Maybe I am a martyr, for a martyr will suffer for what they believe in. But I'm also an angel, because they see no other choice than to invest in their faith.

Will I ever let myself fall in love again?

Good question. I always think that I can't really depend on others. It's not true, but it makes me feel like I'm in control. And I think that's the thing about love. When you REALLY love someone, you trust them to handle life in such a way that you don't always have to feel like you HAVE to be in control. That's why love is a combination of respect, trust, and admiration; you need them all in order to be in it at all!

So, in that sense, to fall in love, the person has to meet or exceed all your expectations. You have to know, at your core, that your partner is going to be there to handle things, no matter what. That they are your equal or better. So that you know everything will turn out okay.

And maybe that's why some men (and even some women) are unfaithful. Maybe the strong, provider-type male seeks the weak, innocent female to care for. Of course the woman will trust the man when shit hits the fan... but can the man really depend on his woman? If he can, then he can easily be in love... but what if he can't? Can he still be in love? Fully in love? Most likely not.

Maybe I'm one of those women that looks for weak, innocent men to take care of - that I am the provider to them. And in theory, I am unfaithful because I don't really think they'll be adequate in taking care of things when I really need them. Maybe it's true that I need to find someone who is my equal, so that I, too, can fall in love and feel at peace with my partner. But I know, after all said and done - even with my less than pure track record, that I really am an amazing woman with much to offer. How many men could realistically and honestly meet that kind of standard?

My New Smile :)

I went to the dentist today that my sister recommended I go to. It's really upscale with TVs to watch as you get your teeth cleaned, and the actual dentist does all the cleaning himself, not some just-out-of-Maric-College dental assistant graduate. I was really pleased with my two hour teeth cleaning and the genuine interest they had in me as a patient.

We discussed creating my ideal smile, and I told my doctor that I wanted to have an amazing smile ASAP. We went through the various phases that I'd need to go through in order to get one and I made an appointment for Phase 1 on the 21st.

The phases are as follows:

Phase 1 - Get wisdom teeth removed
Phase 2 - change amalgam fillings to composite (white) fillings
Phase 3 - have jaw surgery to push my lower jaw in and possibly bring my upper jaw out
Phase 4 - braces for 2 to 3 years (possibly using traditional metal braces for the first 2 years and finishing out the last 6-12 months with Invisalign)
Phase 5 - Zoom 3! Whitening and whitening tray combination therapy

This should all take around 3 years to complete, but I'm very serious about finally being able to smile and have my teeth and profile match what's inside my mind when I think of how I want to appear to the world.

This is going to take a lot of money, time, and test my tolerance for pain. Wish me luck :)

Slurmet and Chris 2.0

This week is so disappointing... First, Slurmet and I had "the talk" and he said that he didn't trust me around my ex b/fs - which is so true. Hell, I don't even trust me around my ex b/fs :P So, that's done and kaput.

As for Chris 2.0, I was cooking up the best revenge plot. I was going to make him drive to SD for a "sexual adventure" - except I planned to give him a wrong address so he would get there and realize I was doing to him what he had done to me many times. Unfortunately, it backfired on me and he cancelled due to a "financial emergency". I totally lost it and revealed my evil intent, and we started to trade cheap shots. However, he gave me the ultimate fuck you by admitting he didn't even have herpes.

I am stunned. It seems just when I think I have the upper hand, he already has me outwitted. How can this be?! Grrrr... I'm so angry right now. Not only did he make a fool of me, but he also bested me in a contest of wits. My pride is hurt on so many levels right now. I just want to curl up into a ball and breathe quietly. I think the amount of rage I feel right now may be akin to the amount I had when I found out Jay was cheating on me.

That's it. I quit.

My Big, Fat Mouth

So, I was so proud of myself yesterday for completing all of my work that I opened my big, fat mouth and told my boss I was done with my work. For the next 10 minutes, everyone in my deparmtnet came by my desk saying, "Wow! You finished 3 months of work in 5 weeks? That's unheard of!" Within 30 minutes they gave me 3 new weekly responsibilites that total about 10 more hours a week of work :P The justification? "Oh Quyen doesn't do anything and has lots of free time. So, have her help you with YOUR job" :P Oh well. Like I said yesterday - at least I have job security.

So, I've been trying to work out and eat better. I cheated today though - both on the guy I'm seeing and my diet. And I did it all at the same time. Blah :( I went on a lunch date with a lunch date kiss at the end, complete with a fatty mocha frappaccino and a sandwich/salad combo from Pat N Oscars. At least I didn't put dressing on the salad :P But I do feel bad about kissing that other boy. But on the other hand, I don't know what's going to happen with this new guy. I'd like to say we're dating - but we're not. And I'd like to say we're monogamous - but we're not (at least he tells me he's not seeing anyone else). In any case, I can't put all my eggs in this basket. I do like him a lot. I'll admit that. But I've also liked a lot of other boys before too. And if experience has taught me anything, it's that liking someone doesn't equal "happily ever after". I have to be a little more realistic about this. But for the time being, no more cheating. On my diet AND my boytoy ;)

I'm SO Productive!

The Corporate Blogger strikes again! I finished all of tomorrow's work - today! Which means I'll get paid $136 tomorrow to play online, chat with coworkers, and decorate my cube :) Well, not really. I'll probably be stuck doing admin stuff. And that's okay with me. I have great job security and am getting used to my responsibilites as an accountant. In a few months, I'll be out of the red, and then I can start saving money. I paid off the piano and my IRS debt for 2006. So, all I have left is $1200 on my Sleep Number bed and then my student loans and a late fee from the IRS for 2005. Making $47K a year between two jobs, I'm on the road to financial wellness and prosperity.

I'm sleeping with a guy who I like well enough, but we both have an understanding that things won't last (which is fine with me since he's not exactly my "type") But I do enjoy my time with him and we have a few common interests besides sex that keep us coming back for more :) He calls me every night and we talk for over an hour usually, and we see each other for dinner and sex once a week - the perfect corporate relationship! It works out well because I feel emotionally satiated, physically satiated, and I don't have to take time out of my busy schedule to be a full-time girlfriend. That's not to say I wouldn't be monogamous with him if he asked me to ;)

I already have the gift I'm getting for our one month anniversary picked out. It's so adorable - I can see it on his desk at work now ;) He wants me to go skydiving with him this summer. I'm completely afraid of heights, but there's something about him that brings out a "challenge yourself" attitutde in me. I like that. Because of his background as a bodybuilder and personal trainer (yes, he's hot :P) he's inspired me to go back to the gym and reclaim my former glory - or was it Atkins'? I refuse to remember or divulge ;) Anyway, speaking of which, it's time to hit the gym. Ta!