So, I've been thinking that with everything I'm going to be going through (work, school, teaching, symphony, etc) that I really don't have time for a boyfriend. Mitch has already made it very clear that he has no interest in being in a committed relationship. I'm still having sex with him and hanging out with him. So, in the end, I suppose he got exactly what he wanted :P Nice going, Quyen hahaha
On the other hand, I do have more free time and I've gotten to explore my own sexual freedom as a single woman ;) It takes a little getting used to because I tried to get away from that lifestyle awhile ago, and I'm not sure my roomie really enjoys meeting the various guys I bring home. I think, eventually, I'll meet someone I want to date, but until then, it's all just fun, right? ;)
There is a guy I have in mind to fill the vacant position, but time will tell if we'll work well together or not... Either way, I figure that just looking out for #1 is the way to go for now. I'm tired of being the model relationship citizen. Putting others above yourself is for chumps. It doesn't seem like any good really ever comes out of it when all is said and done.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
New Year's Resolutions
I have 10 of them and here we go:
1) Go back to school to fulfill some undergraduate courses as a prerequisite to transferring to SDSU as an accounting major. I'll also need to get a grade of "C" or better in order to be reimbursed for my classes as well as my textbooks.
2) Increase my teaching studio from 7 students (currently) to 12 students. Doing so would increase my annual income by $6.5K!
3) Not abandon my cats if I end up having to move sometime in the year. They provide so much comfort and love for only $50/month :)
4) Finish reading "On Cooking", a 1400-page culinary school textbook. It will help increase my knowledge of food as well as hone my knife skills and food presentation aesthetic.
5) Get all caught up with back work at my day job. If I have nothing to do, my boss will let me do my homework at work :)
6) Save $10K for my jaw surgery. That will cover 40% (hopefully not less!) of the cost of surgery.
7) Start playing chamber music. I would gladly trade playing in the La Jolla Symphony if I could play in a good string quartet!
8) Make my car last just one more year until I can lease or finance a new or used car in 2009.
9) Play less video games, and think more (write poetry, read books, practice music, cook, etc)
10) Be more physically active and live a healthier life. Maybe not on a set schedule, but when I have the time and inclination, I'd like to take a hike, or exercise on the elliptical machine at the gym at work, prepare a healthy meal, or simply meditate.
1) Go back to school to fulfill some undergraduate courses as a prerequisite to transferring to SDSU as an accounting major. I'll also need to get a grade of "C" or better in order to be reimbursed for my classes as well as my textbooks.
2) Increase my teaching studio from 7 students (currently) to 12 students. Doing so would increase my annual income by $6.5K!
3) Not abandon my cats if I end up having to move sometime in the year. They provide so much comfort and love for only $50/month :)
4) Finish reading "On Cooking", a 1400-page culinary school textbook. It will help increase my knowledge of food as well as hone my knife skills and food presentation aesthetic.
5) Get all caught up with back work at my day job. If I have nothing to do, my boss will let me do my homework at work :)
6) Save $10K for my jaw surgery. That will cover 40% (hopefully not less!) of the cost of surgery.
7) Start playing chamber music. I would gladly trade playing in the La Jolla Symphony if I could play in a good string quartet!
8) Make my car last just one more year until I can lease or finance a new or used car in 2009.
9) Play less video games, and think more (write poetry, read books, practice music, cook, etc)
10) Be more physically active and live a healthier life. Maybe not on a set schedule, but when I have the time and inclination, I'd like to take a hike, or exercise on the elliptical machine at the gym at work, prepare a healthy meal, or simply meditate.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Going Back to School...
This is kind of degrading. So yeah, I fucked up and didn't finish my bachelor's in music because I was too prideful. But in the end, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I got the needed education in order to pursue a career as a music teacher and professional gigging violist. So, in the end, I accomplished what I wanted to anyway.
But now, I have to think about what I'll be doing with my career 15 years from now. And that includes building on my skill set as an accountant. I know I don't want to be making $35K a year for the rest of my life with measly 2.5% raises each year. So, I decided I needed to go back to school and get an education. Fair Isaac, the company I work for, will fund my education as long as I get a "C" or better in each class.
So, beginning January 28th, I'll be going back to school with a 10 unit load under my belt! I'm very nervous and very excited! Excited because I'm actually taking steps toward a new and lucrative career path, but nervous because I'm trying something new that I may possibly not be very good at :(
But challenging things are no stranger to me. In fact, I think I've done quite well with the challenges I've faced thus far in my life :) It'll take me 2 more semesters of semi-full semester loads until I can transfer to SDSU and declare a major so I can take my upper division classes. But I have to treat it like I'm starting over basically from scratch. even if it takes me 10 years to finish my degree, I'm determined to do so! And who knows? Maybe I'll double major in music since I only need a handful of classes to complete the degree! :D
Wish me luck! :)
But now, I have to think about what I'll be doing with my career 15 years from now. And that includes building on my skill set as an accountant. I know I don't want to be making $35K a year for the rest of my life with measly 2.5% raises each year. So, I decided I needed to go back to school and get an education. Fair Isaac, the company I work for, will fund my education as long as I get a "C" or better in each class.
So, beginning January 28th, I'll be going back to school with a 10 unit load under my belt! I'm very nervous and very excited! Excited because I'm actually taking steps toward a new and lucrative career path, but nervous because I'm trying something new that I may possibly not be very good at :(
But challenging things are no stranger to me. In fact, I think I've done quite well with the challenges I've faced thus far in my life :) It'll take me 2 more semesters of semi-full semester loads until I can transfer to SDSU and declare a major so I can take my upper division classes. But I have to treat it like I'm starting over basically from scratch. even if it takes me 10 years to finish my degree, I'm determined to do so! And who knows? Maybe I'll double major in music since I only need a handful of classes to complete the degree! :D
Wish me luck! :)
Thursday, December 27, 2007
My Head Hurts
"If love were a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?"
- Tuptim, from 'Anna and the King'
- Tuptim, from 'Anna and the King'
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
All I Want for Christmas...
So, Mitch and I broke up (yet again...) on the morning of the 21st. Yes, we are still having ex-sex which is the same as it always was during our relationship - fun and hot. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that we'll never make love because we don't actually truly love each other - we just have some serious "like" going on.
I cried a lot. I don't even remember the last time I cried. Chris 2.0 maybe? I'm not even sure that was a full out cry either. I cried because all my dreams for the future were dashed away. I cried because all my hard work was for naught. I cried because I actually felt something for once in a very long time, and was in reverance of my own humanity.
However, I've dealt with it and had a little time to think about it, and I've decided that I'm not willing to use the same recipe with disastrous results over again. I'm not confident that he can change or even wants to. I'm not confident that I want to change for someone that has so little regard for my welfare and my feelings. In the end, I'm so over being the one who initiates things like discussions and hanging out. If he wants to do those things then he can be a man and initiate them himself. Interestingly, I'm quite satisfied either way.
Well, that's a half-truth. I'll be satisfied with him if he does take responsibility for his actions. And if he doesn't, I'll feel bad for myself that I made yet another bad decision when it comes to l'amour. Either way, I'll be fine with me, myself, and I. I think I always have been. I have a great sense of self. I think my problem is trying to take on the responsibilites of others, which is something I'm not actually responsible for.
I was sitting awake last night wondering if I have any obligation to Mitch to not take advantage of being single while we are broken up. I mean, do I really think he's going to step up to the plate? Meanwhile, I'll be missing my own opportunities. And that's not to say that he won't be pursuing his own. I guess Ollie is right after all, you don't owe anything to anyone. I really hate that idea, but I guess it's true. The idea that you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself in order to make others happy makes logical sense.
Christmas is over - the holidays are done. It's time to start 2008 with a fresh twist.
Note to self: "Fluff" is not the fuel for the relationship "car". It's communication. OTherwise, the relationship would stall if their wasn't an ongoing supply of fluff. I'm pretty certain that the fluff is the radio that gets staticky on long road trips when you go through remote places. Sometimes, it's fun and you can rock out to it, and other times you just sit and get bored out of your mind from the tedium.
I cried a lot. I don't even remember the last time I cried. Chris 2.0 maybe? I'm not even sure that was a full out cry either. I cried because all my dreams for the future were dashed away. I cried because all my hard work was for naught. I cried because I actually felt something for once in a very long time, and was in reverance of my own humanity.
However, I've dealt with it and had a little time to think about it, and I've decided that I'm not willing to use the same recipe with disastrous results over again. I'm not confident that he can change or even wants to. I'm not confident that I want to change for someone that has so little regard for my welfare and my feelings. In the end, I'm so over being the one who initiates things like discussions and hanging out. If he wants to do those things then he can be a man and initiate them himself. Interestingly, I'm quite satisfied either way.
Well, that's a half-truth. I'll be satisfied with him if he does take responsibility for his actions. And if he doesn't, I'll feel bad for myself that I made yet another bad decision when it comes to l'amour. Either way, I'll be fine with me, myself, and I. I think I always have been. I have a great sense of self. I think my problem is trying to take on the responsibilites of others, which is something I'm not actually responsible for.
I was sitting awake last night wondering if I have any obligation to Mitch to not take advantage of being single while we are broken up. I mean, do I really think he's going to step up to the plate? Meanwhile, I'll be missing my own opportunities. And that's not to say that he won't be pursuing his own. I guess Ollie is right after all, you don't owe anything to anyone. I really hate that idea, but I guess it's true. The idea that you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself in order to make others happy makes logical sense.
Christmas is over - the holidays are done. It's time to start 2008 with a fresh twist.
Note to self: "Fluff" is not the fuel for the relationship "car". It's communication. OTherwise, the relationship would stall if their wasn't an ongoing supply of fluff. I'm pretty certain that the fluff is the radio that gets staticky on long road trips when you go through remote places. Sometimes, it's fun and you can rock out to it, and other times you just sit and get bored out of your mind from the tedium.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Quoth the raven...
In an email, I wrote to Mitch:
"I was listening to a program about the “pornification of America” and how the increased use of porn in our media and its easy accessibility are corrupting our youth and destroying marriages and relationships. Not the best thing to hear..."
...to which Mitch posed this question:
"Many things in our society are potential pitfalls to people and marriages. I read a report how the youth of today are lonelier and more disconnected because of IM'ing and e-mail. Logic dictates think it would be just the opposite, but they have less face to face time with other people which apparently is more important. Just another example of how technology changes the social fabric. Will mankind rise to the challenge?"
Here was my response:
"Will mankind rise to the challenge? If divorce rates are any indicator, no.
Technology makes things more efficient and convenient – it’s true. From email, to microwaves, to iPods, to automobiles, to internet personals. But I think it destroys a large part of the quality of life we can experience. Email robs our ability to engage in on-the-spot conversation – it’s no wonder we grow less refined as a society with each passing decade. Microwaves rob our ability to fill the house with smells of the kitchen and taking pride in taking the time to craft a meal – it’s no wonder we’re getting cancer from the radiation and chemicals from microwaved plastics. iPods rob us of the inclination to seek out venues for music or even live music at all – it’s no wonder a good recording studio can make someone like Britney Spears the Queen of anything.. Automobiles rob us of the inclination to take a walk to get somewhere – it’s no wonder we suffer an obesity epidemic. Internet personals rob us of the opportunity to get to know someone on the grounds of more than just a superficial glance of a personals profile – it’s no wonder more people are single these days and less people can find happiness in a relationship.
Efficient and convenient, true. But have you ever given thought to the idea that, in today’s society, we can live solely in a self-engineered box? Look around you right now. The only thing you need to do your job is what you’re staring at right now. In fact, what you’re looking at right now can feed you, clothe you, educate you, entertain you, and satisfy your urge to socialize with others.
Now think – everyone in your building is doing the exact same thing that you are now. Working quietly, commandeering their life through a keyboard and screen. No art, no culture, no love – only images and ideas to engineer those feelings and thoughts in you. It’s just another form of the Matrix. Are you really living right now? Do you control your technology or does technology control you, putting limits on what you can and can’t do.
Unfortunately, our society rests on this very fabric. It’s not something we can escape. We have to learn to integrate technology into our lives, but we must also learn to cope with the bane of it all. So far, I believe we’re failing, culturally and spiritually. When was the last time you felt the electricity in the air when watching live music? When was the last time your toes curled and you were in Nirvana from making love? When was the last time you felt the ocean water against your skin while you swam through the ocean?
For you, it could be yesterday, but for the greater part of society, they are swooning to jams on their iPods, they are masturbating furiously to porn, they are watching surfing legends on YouTube instead of attempting the same things themselves. Currently, and sadly, mankind is not rising to the challenge…"
"I was listening to a program about the “pornification of America” and how the increased use of porn in our media and its easy accessibility are corrupting our youth and destroying marriages and relationships. Not the best thing to hear..."
...to which Mitch posed this question:
"Many things in our society are potential pitfalls to people and marriages. I read a report how the youth of today are lonelier and more disconnected because of IM'ing and e-mail. Logic dictates think it would be just the opposite, but they have less face to face time with other people which apparently is more important. Just another example of how technology changes the social fabric. Will mankind rise to the challenge?"
Here was my response:
"Will mankind rise to the challenge? If divorce rates are any indicator, no.
Technology makes things more efficient and convenient – it’s true. From email, to microwaves, to iPods, to automobiles, to internet personals. But I think it destroys a large part of the quality of life we can experience. Email robs our ability to engage in on-the-spot conversation – it’s no wonder we grow less refined as a society with each passing decade. Microwaves rob our ability to fill the house with smells of the kitchen and taking pride in taking the time to craft a meal – it’s no wonder we’re getting cancer from the radiation and chemicals from microwaved plastics. iPods rob us of the inclination to seek out venues for music or even live music at all – it’s no wonder a good recording studio can make someone like Britney Spears the Queen of anything.. Automobiles rob us of the inclination to take a walk to get somewhere – it’s no wonder we suffer an obesity epidemic. Internet personals rob us of the opportunity to get to know someone on the grounds of more than just a superficial glance of a personals profile – it’s no wonder more people are single these days and less people can find happiness in a relationship.
Efficient and convenient, true. But have you ever given thought to the idea that, in today’s society, we can live solely in a self-engineered box? Look around you right now. The only thing you need to do your job is what you’re staring at right now. In fact, what you’re looking at right now can feed you, clothe you, educate you, entertain you, and satisfy your urge to socialize with others.
Now think – everyone in your building is doing the exact same thing that you are now. Working quietly, commandeering their life through a keyboard and screen. No art, no culture, no love – only images and ideas to engineer those feelings and thoughts in you. It’s just another form of the Matrix. Are you really living right now? Do you control your technology or does technology control you, putting limits on what you can and can’t do.
Unfortunately, our society rests on this very fabric. It’s not something we can escape. We have to learn to integrate technology into our lives, but we must also learn to cope with the bane of it all. So far, I believe we’re failing, culturally and spiritually. When was the last time you felt the electricity in the air when watching live music? When was the last time your toes curled and you were in Nirvana from making love? When was the last time you felt the ocean water against your skin while you swam through the ocean?
For you, it could be yesterday, but for the greater part of society, they are swooning to jams on their iPods, they are masturbating furiously to porn, they are watching surfing legends on YouTube instead of attempting the same things themselves. Currently, and sadly, mankind is not rising to the challenge…"
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
30 Day Challenge
It's been 30 days since Mitch told me that he wanted me back, and I gave him 30 days to prove to me that what we had was worth holding onto, and in doing so, make me break a rule I've held onto since I first started dating.
I've decided that my relationship with Mitch is worth that and more. In these 30 days, we've had more than our fair share of fights. However, I think it was for the best because I have my resolution and I can now let things go. He has been patient while I was berating him and venting my anger and frustration. He has also been mindful of my feelings and my desires. In turn, I slowly opened up to him. And every day, I feel like I open up just a little bit more. I'm not sure there will be an end to how close we can become - that's how I feel when I'm with him.
There is just one little fear I have... Mitch and I have been spending tons of time together (nearly 2 out of every 3 days) and I'm worried that:
1) We will start getting bored with each other
2) Our personal social lives will suffer as a result of it
3) We won't accomplish our own individual projects for lack of free time alone
4) We will freak out and separate because we "need some space"
The other side of this coin is that I freak out when I can't contact him or I don't know what he is doing... So, it's a damned if you do, and damned if you don't sort of deal.
Don't get me wrong... I love seeing and being with Mitch on a daily basis. But I know he wants to get things done and he doesn't have the free time to invest in it because he is with me. I also know he is neglecting his social circle in lieu of time with me. And I don't know when his battery might suffer a power failure. And honestly, all of the above goes for me as well.
All in all, I'm very happy :) I just hope I make him just as happy and he smiles when he thinks of me :)
I've decided that my relationship with Mitch is worth that and more. In these 30 days, we've had more than our fair share of fights. However, I think it was for the best because I have my resolution and I can now let things go. He has been patient while I was berating him and venting my anger and frustration. He has also been mindful of my feelings and my desires. In turn, I slowly opened up to him. And every day, I feel like I open up just a little bit more. I'm not sure there will be an end to how close we can become - that's how I feel when I'm with him.
There is just one little fear I have... Mitch and I have been spending tons of time together (nearly 2 out of every 3 days) and I'm worried that:
1) We will start getting bored with each other
2) Our personal social lives will suffer as a result of it
3) We won't accomplish our own individual projects for lack of free time alone
4) We will freak out and separate because we "need some space"
The other side of this coin is that I freak out when I can't contact him or I don't know what he is doing... So, it's a damned if you do, and damned if you don't sort of deal.
Don't get me wrong... I love seeing and being with Mitch on a daily basis. But I know he wants to get things done and he doesn't have the free time to invest in it because he is with me. I also know he is neglecting his social circle in lieu of time with me. And I don't know when his battery might suffer a power failure. And honestly, all of the above goes for me as well.
All in all, I'm very happy :) I just hope I make him just as happy and he smiles when he thinks of me :)
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