That's the question that I asked myself this morning in the shower while slowly washing my hair. It's also the question I'm pondering as I sit here on the 5th floor of the San Diego office of one of the most influential corporations in the world. I look around my cubicle and I see the familiar trappings of comfort - Celine Dion, Bulbasaur, a 'Wicked' ticket stub, a poster illustrating all 490 Pokemon, a Bday card from Daniel, a picture of me with my old string quartet, even my favorite hand cream. I've worked so hard to make my cubicle feel like "home" - so I could feel comfortable and at peace while I whittled away at my 40-hour workweek.
But the truth is that I resent this place. It's not even that I don't like working here, because it's quite possibly the best working environment I could have hoped for - my boss never micromanages, my coworkers are quirky and interesting, we have a gym and a cafe on the first floor just for us, and I get an amazing wage based on the type of work that I do. It's so comfortable. I'm so content. I'm very satisfied.
Then again, "satisfactory" meant a letter grade of "C" in elementary school. What does that mean? Well, life is average. It's not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not above average either. I could live and die in this same situtation, climbing the corporate ladder, slowly acquiring higher education and resulting higher salaries, until one day, I'm 45 y/o, sitting at my desk looking at all the familiar trappings of comfort wondering, "Is this all there is?"
Is it? If not, what other options do we have? Stop working and go travel the world until our savings run out, only to return to a similar job, looking at the familiar things that make it seem like home, and asking ourselves the same questions? Is happiness found in doing what you love? I once thought I loved playing viola. You couldn't find anyone around who was as in awe of it or enjoyed it as much as I did. Then I took it on as a job, and little by little, I realized that this was also a job, just like any other, and I asked myself the same question, "Is this all there is?"
I tried leaving LA to start fresh, both professionally and personally. And although I'm blessed to have what I have now, I still find myself in the same moral dilemma. Is there more to life than working, making money, and enjoying the company of friends and loved ones? Sometimes, I think maybe there isn't. Maybe life is not supposed to be more than a great meal, or making love to someone whom you trust and care for, or having amazing epiphanies about life and answering your own questions. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish to ask "Is this all there is?" when I already have access to food, water, and sleep - the basic necessities of life.
At the end of the day, we are still animals, and our hunt for these basic needs to sustain life are over when we find them - until the next day when we have to search for them again. But for those who have already met the prerequisites, we wonder what more is out there for us to get involved in. What is out there in the world waiting to happen to us if we can find it, or experience it, or realize it?
I know that many of us extend our basic needs of food water and sleep to material objects. When will I be able to get the next DVD to complete my collection? When will I find my next boyfriend? When will I be able to purchase a new car? All of these are constructed by who we are, by our thoughts of what we may or may not need. And if those things improved our quality of life, then we wouldn't be on the hunt for the next DVD, the next relationship, the next car.
No, the meaning of life - the reason why we all exist in this universe - has to be something that we don't experience, but rather, something that experiences us. Is life about getting on stage and creating art unlike the world has ever seen or heard? Or is life about the circumstances and experiences that lead up to and help facilitate the same art? Did I just write this blog? Or did this blog just happen to have the experience of being written through me?
Are human beings the catalyst for events? Or are events the catalyst for human beings?
Friday, July 27, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
What Would Other People Think?
That's the question so many of us ask ourselves, whether it's choosing the right person to date or deciding between brand-name mac and cheese or the generic kind. In each situation, although we'd like to deny it, a large part of our decisions are guided by what we have heard from others (Kraft is the only way to go!) and how others see us after we have made such a decision (He is so much shorter than she is!). Other's views of our own lives can sometimes be so severe and upsetting that we will even choose what makes others happy versus what we instinctually want (arranged marriages, career paths, and even what we want to eat).
There's no doubt that the pressure is on all of us to make the "right" decisions - to please those around us while trying to please ourselves. This type of behavior is often disguised as consideration, maybe even regard for others. But at what point do you start to live out others' ideas of what your life should be and stop living life the way you think it should be?
Behind this mentality sits a bevy of approval seeking behaviors. You may pick Kraft over generic mac and cheese because you don't want your friends to think you're cheap. You might stop dating the short guy because you are afraid how others will look at you as you walk down the street together. Each of these situations has nothing to do with how you feel, but rather how others will feel based on your decisions. In turn, you are deriving your happiness from the happiness of others.
How do you stop? It's so ingrained into our behavior to seek the approval of others (your boss, parents, friends, lover, even strangers) that we may not know where to begin. That's something I've been struggling with all my life, and more importantly, very recently. How do you not care what other people think of you? How do you ignore the social premise that we have to stifle ourselves in order to be considered a normal part of society?
Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we shouldn't care what others think and focus more on what we think about ourselves. Would the world end if people thought you were cheap when you are just trying to save money? Would stares of derision from dating the short guy really have any correlation to how happy he makes you feel? What I have realized is that, no, it wouldn't. All of these things we're afraid of others thinking are just thoughts we play with in our heads. None of it is 100% true, and even if it were, we can go on living life without that thought. Because that's all it is - a thought.
That's why I've been trying to be more of myself these days. I know that if a guy doesn't respect my decision to be abstinent, that it is not the end of the world. I know that if he learns about my past and decides that I'm not someone he wants to be associated with, then that's fine too. At the end of the day, I go to sleep with myself, and I feel much better knowing that I'm speaking my mind and making decisions based on who and want I want myself to be, rather than tailoring my life to how others want me to act and behave. At the end of the day, I'm left with people in my life who accept me for who I truly am, not some tapestry of smoke, mirrors, and lies. At the end of the day, all I could have really offered the world was myself.
There's no doubt that the pressure is on all of us to make the "right" decisions - to please those around us while trying to please ourselves. This type of behavior is often disguised as consideration, maybe even regard for others. But at what point do you start to live out others' ideas of what your life should be and stop living life the way you think it should be?
Behind this mentality sits a bevy of approval seeking behaviors. You may pick Kraft over generic mac and cheese because you don't want your friends to think you're cheap. You might stop dating the short guy because you are afraid how others will look at you as you walk down the street together. Each of these situations has nothing to do with how you feel, but rather how others will feel based on your decisions. In turn, you are deriving your happiness from the happiness of others.
How do you stop? It's so ingrained into our behavior to seek the approval of others (your boss, parents, friends, lover, even strangers) that we may not know where to begin. That's something I've been struggling with all my life, and more importantly, very recently. How do you not care what other people think of you? How do you ignore the social premise that we have to stifle ourselves in order to be considered a normal part of society?
Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we shouldn't care what others think and focus more on what we think about ourselves. Would the world end if people thought you were cheap when you are just trying to save money? Would stares of derision from dating the short guy really have any correlation to how happy he makes you feel? What I have realized is that, no, it wouldn't. All of these things we're afraid of others thinking are just thoughts we play with in our heads. None of it is 100% true, and even if it were, we can go on living life without that thought. Because that's all it is - a thought.
That's why I've been trying to be more of myself these days. I know that if a guy doesn't respect my decision to be abstinent, that it is not the end of the world. I know that if he learns about my past and decides that I'm not someone he wants to be associated with, then that's fine too. At the end of the day, I go to sleep with myself, and I feel much better knowing that I'm speaking my mind and making decisions based on who and want I want myself to be, rather than tailoring my life to how others want me to act and behave. At the end of the day, I'm left with people in my life who accept me for who I truly am, not some tapestry of smoke, mirrors, and lies. At the end of the day, all I could have really offered the world was myself.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Trevor's Lecture
[12:45] tessenjutsu: I have worked very hard in life and have been dealt unfair hands all my life... but I've survived and excelled at whatever I put my mind to.... I'm sure some people (don't think I'm a good person)
[12:45] tessenjutsu: but at the end of the day
[12:46] tessenjutsu: people's actions speak louder than any biases we can hold
[12:46] tessenjutsu: I am a good teacher, and whether I'm a (bad woman) or not does not affect the quality of students I produce
[12:46] tessenjutsu: Trevor,
[12:46] tessenjutsu: (everything) aside....
[12:47] tessenjutsu: be concerned with how people view your actions rather than what prejudices they hold for or against you
[12:47] tessenjutsu: at the end of the day, you'll be able to defend your decisions, but you may not be able to quantify your life by what people think of you
[12:51] tessenjutsu: people who are your friends one day can be your enemy the next, but the one thing people can't deny are the cold hard facts. If you're good in business, people will see you for that and respect you, regardless of anything else
[12:53] tessenjutsu: if you live like this, nobody can take anything away from you
[12:53] tessenjutsu: you will know who you are and what you offer the world
[12:53] tessenjutsu: and it won't be dependent on illusions or hearsay
[12:45] tessenjutsu: but at the end of the day
[12:46] tessenjutsu: people's actions speak louder than any biases we can hold
[12:46] tessenjutsu: I am a good teacher, and whether I'm a (bad woman) or not does not affect the quality of students I produce
[12:46] tessenjutsu: Trevor,
[12:46] tessenjutsu: (everything) aside....
[12:47] tessenjutsu: be concerned with how people view your actions rather than what prejudices they hold for or against you
[12:47] tessenjutsu: at the end of the day, you'll be able to defend your decisions, but you may not be able to quantify your life by what people think of you
[12:51] tessenjutsu: people who are your friends one day can be your enemy the next, but the one thing people can't deny are the cold hard facts. If you're good in business, people will see you for that and respect you, regardless of anything else
[12:53] tessenjutsu: if you live like this, nobody can take anything away from you
[12:53] tessenjutsu: you will know who you are and what you offer the world
[12:53] tessenjutsu: and it won't be dependent on illusions or hearsay
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Epiphany
I will always stand by the fact that Chris 1.0 (first in a series of 4 - all of whom played the trumpet) is absolutely brilliant. He's much like Dan Fritz, my long-time friend, in that he acts like a mirror. So often our words and thoughts spill out, without pause or consideration, and those two men act as the echo of the canyon. They say back to me exactly what I said, exposing every little thing.
I've been growing a lot inside, and although abstinence wasn't the direct cause of that, it acted as the catalyst. I thought about what Chris wrote before I even read it. I thought of Trevor and asked myself if he were 50 y/o and ugly, would I still be considering his offers? No, I would not. I wouldn't let him talk to me that way or even consider it. But there is a part of me that has trouble seeing through it because, on the surface, Trevor is what satisfies my list.
And I think that's the trouble. "Satisfaction" is the basis of my list. Each of my ex's has given me a quality that has "satisfied" me. Chris 1.0's intelligence, Chris 2.0's sexual nature, Steve's "come what may" attitude that makes me, in turn, less severe, Jay's financially supportive nature, Bryan's old world manners and etiquette, and the list goes on and on. But one thought lingers in my mind: if I need so much to satisfy me, to satiate me, then I am a void that needs endlessly.
Chris is right, none of the above qualities makes a person "good". And although it's easy to sit here and be tricked into the lull of how those qualities do play out in a relationship, because they do have their advantages, don't get me wrong, they don't make a person worthwhile. I must then ask myself, why did all of my relationships break down over time? Well, I didn't trust half of them, and the other half I didn't respect.
And that's what I realized last night about Trevor. He has the looks and sex appeal of Chris 2.0, a good chunk of Chris 1.0's intelligence, the attitude of Steve, the financial capabilities of Jay, and the etiquette of Bryan - seemingly the perfect man, someone who could add even more qualities to "the list" just by being himself. But I don't want him in my life. Why? Because I don't trust him. I don't respect him. In my heart of hearts, I don't believe he's a good person. He's just another automaton created to be a woman's perfect man, by developing admirable qualities within himself.
And then I think of myself. What am I doing? All of the things that I possess - intelligence, wit, charm, beauty, poise, confidence, class, sex appeal, groundedness, and inner strength. All of that does not make me a good person - someone a man can trust and respect. They are simply "super powers" that I possess. However, that doesn't mean I'm fighting as a hero. In fact, I'm the most deadly super villain men have ever faced - able to break hearts and spirits into two. So, as the cliche goes, with great power comes great responsibility. How does a villain change sides to do good for humanity?
How does it go in the comics?
Maybe the villain fails and falls and realizes that those she once called allies have abandoned her in favor of someone with stronger or more useful super powers. She realizes that her mindset, of having power and gaining more, while destroying those who have lost their usefulness, was wrong all along. She stops right then and there, and vows to use her powers to preserve and conserve her renewed values. She then does battle with her old allies, trying to bring them over to her cause, to save lost souls, or simply to disarm them so they will not wreak havoc on her or other's lives in the future...
I've been growing a lot inside, and although abstinence wasn't the direct cause of that, it acted as the catalyst. I thought about what Chris wrote before I even read it. I thought of Trevor and asked myself if he were 50 y/o and ugly, would I still be considering his offers? No, I would not. I wouldn't let him talk to me that way or even consider it. But there is a part of me that has trouble seeing through it because, on the surface, Trevor is what satisfies my list.
And I think that's the trouble. "Satisfaction" is the basis of my list. Each of my ex's has given me a quality that has "satisfied" me. Chris 1.0's intelligence, Chris 2.0's sexual nature, Steve's "come what may" attitude that makes me, in turn, less severe, Jay's financially supportive nature, Bryan's old world manners and etiquette, and the list goes on and on. But one thought lingers in my mind: if I need so much to satisfy me, to satiate me, then I am a void that needs endlessly.
Chris is right, none of the above qualities makes a person "good". And although it's easy to sit here and be tricked into the lull of how those qualities do play out in a relationship, because they do have their advantages, don't get me wrong, they don't make a person worthwhile. I must then ask myself, why did all of my relationships break down over time? Well, I didn't trust half of them, and the other half I didn't respect.
And that's what I realized last night about Trevor. He has the looks and sex appeal of Chris 2.0, a good chunk of Chris 1.0's intelligence, the attitude of Steve, the financial capabilities of Jay, and the etiquette of Bryan - seemingly the perfect man, someone who could add even more qualities to "the list" just by being himself. But I don't want him in my life. Why? Because I don't trust him. I don't respect him. In my heart of hearts, I don't believe he's a good person. He's just another automaton created to be a woman's perfect man, by developing admirable qualities within himself.
And then I think of myself. What am I doing? All of the things that I possess - intelligence, wit, charm, beauty, poise, confidence, class, sex appeal, groundedness, and inner strength. All of that does not make me a good person - someone a man can trust and respect. They are simply "super powers" that I possess. However, that doesn't mean I'm fighting as a hero. In fact, I'm the most deadly super villain men have ever faced - able to break hearts and spirits into two. So, as the cliche goes, with great power comes great responsibility. How does a villain change sides to do good for humanity?
How does it go in the comics?
Maybe the villain fails and falls and realizes that those she once called allies have abandoned her in favor of someone with stronger or more useful super powers. She realizes that her mindset, of having power and gaining more, while destroying those who have lost their usefulness, was wrong all along. She stops right then and there, and vows to use her powers to preserve and conserve her renewed values. She then does battle with her old allies, trying to bring them over to her cause, to save lost souls, or simply to disarm them so they will not wreak havoc on her or other's lives in the future...
Friday, July 20, 2007
Am I Lying Even Unto Myself?
I'm feeling sad and powerless. What if there's no point to practicing abstinence? What if I should just fuck whomever? Sometimes, I don't think I'll ever ever fall in love with someone. It just makes me want to cry. I don't like faking my emotions. I fake everything else in life.
I'm tired of trying to be a good person. I'm not sure it's in me. All I ever feel like is that I'm spinning my wheels, depriving myself from what my body wants, and seeing more and more people for the empty, superficial beings they are. It's like holding a hollow baby chick in your hands and then squeezing it too hard to the point where it collapses in on itself and it turns to dust. It was so beautiful at face value, but as soon as you go deeper, you realize that it's an illusion - nothing is there.
I was proud of myself last night when I turned down a guy who wanted to sleep with me. He was gorgeous - completely out of my league. And he slung every line in the book at me. and a part of me wanted to believe it, except that I've heard every line in the book already. It's just a web of lies. I'm lying to him by refusing him, he's lying to me by throwing himself on me, I'm lying to myself by saying that what I'm doing is the best possible thing for me. I'm not even sure what's true anymore except for the dull pain in my heart.
I'm lying. I'm lying everyday. So much that I'm not sure there is any truth in my life anymore. What is there left to do? Wade through which lies are insignifcant and which are oh so unbearable to live? It's not even the selfish pain like I used to know before of not having love for myself. But the more I open my eyes to reality, the less I see other's relationships working. The more I see that loyalty, commitment, selflessness are all fairy tales - fragments of hopes and dreams of the children within all of us. But eventually, we learn that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy don't exist. Yes, we were raised on lies. Now, we just choose which ones seem most appropriate to believe.
I'm tired of trying to be a good person. I'm not sure it's in me. All I ever feel like is that I'm spinning my wheels, depriving myself from what my body wants, and seeing more and more people for the empty, superficial beings they are. It's like holding a hollow baby chick in your hands and then squeezing it too hard to the point where it collapses in on itself and it turns to dust. It was so beautiful at face value, but as soon as you go deeper, you realize that it's an illusion - nothing is there.
I was proud of myself last night when I turned down a guy who wanted to sleep with me. He was gorgeous - completely out of my league. And he slung every line in the book at me. and a part of me wanted to believe it, except that I've heard every line in the book already. It's just a web of lies. I'm lying to him by refusing him, he's lying to me by throwing himself on me, I'm lying to myself by saying that what I'm doing is the best possible thing for me. I'm not even sure what's true anymore except for the dull pain in my heart.
I'm lying. I'm lying everyday. So much that I'm not sure there is any truth in my life anymore. What is there left to do? Wade through which lies are insignifcant and which are oh so unbearable to live? It's not even the selfish pain like I used to know before of not having love for myself. But the more I open my eyes to reality, the less I see other's relationships working. The more I see that loyalty, commitment, selflessness are all fairy tales - fragments of hopes and dreams of the children within all of us. But eventually, we learn that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy don't exist. Yes, we were raised on lies. Now, we just choose which ones seem most appropriate to believe.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Sigh
This has been one of the happiest nights I've had all year. Thank you to all who love me enough to make my life special and to whom I also love and cherish; you make my life worth living.
Monday, July 2, 2007
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