So my long awaited vacation is finally here, and I have only one goal - make this trip worth the $1,500 I spent on it :D I'm at the airport right now using the free WiFi and staving off hunger until I can drink on the plane. Yes, people; I will be getting my cocktail on starting at 9:30AM lol :P I figure it would be fun and glamorous to order a gin and tonic or vodka on the rocks first thing in the morning on an empty stomache :P It'd be like something out of "Absolutely Fabulous" :P
So, I'll arrive in SF around 10:45AM - then grab a shuttle to the hotel to drop off my bags. I have a lunch/museum date with an old friend from San Diego who moved to SF after he finished law school. I'll check into the hotel around 3PM and then head to the bay for my Alcatraz tour starting at 4:30PM. I'll get back on land around 7:30, which should be time for dinner ;)
After that, the world is my oyster... Who knows what could happen? ;) I might actually end up springing for the internet connection in my hotel. Why? I don't want to be trucking my sorry ass to the library every day for the free WiFi there... lol
I'm super excited and feel a brand of indepence that I've never felt before. As a woman, you often feel like you have to go with a man to protect you or at least a group of women for solidarity. It's a sort of a socially accepted co-dependence thing. By going by myself. I feel like I can do anything! Is this what men feel like everyday? :P I hope I don't get mugged. But who knows? Maybe it's just the experience I need to make this trip worth remembering! hahahahaha :P
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Schizoid Complex
As I started healing my schizoid complex, I realized that I was afraid to face the world as who I truly was. I had this innate fear that who I was at my very core was not the person that people wanted. And so, I began to change who I was in order to become the person I thought others wanted me to be.
My realization that I didn't want to be an accountant was a loud and rude awakening for me. I came to terms with who I was at the core: a creative and artistic spirit who wanted to make a difference in the world; and I shed the shroud of materialism and greed I had begun to acquire.
I want to be happy, even if I'm poor. I want to make a life for myself that I will be proud to have lived. Even if I don't "make it", I will at least live how I want to live, not how I "ought" to live. I want to create for the rest of my life, not run processes and engage in repetitions.
I am truly the Corporate Scandal.
My realization that I didn't want to be an accountant was a loud and rude awakening for me. I came to terms with who I was at the core: a creative and artistic spirit who wanted to make a difference in the world; and I shed the shroud of materialism and greed I had begun to acquire.
I want to be happy, even if I'm poor. I want to make a life for myself that I will be proud to have lived. Even if I don't "make it", I will at least live how I want to live, not how I "ought" to live. I want to create for the rest of my life, not run processes and engage in repetitions.
I am truly the Corporate Scandal.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I dropped out of school today...
It's strange what happens when you decide to "face the music"... I realize how against the grain my current line of work is to who I am as a person. I also realize that my so-called goals, are not really my own - just a disguise for what the world expects, and in turn, what I am doing to "please" the world.
I want out, ASAP. In reality, I don't care if I'm rich, as long as I'm happy. I'm not sure how I convinced myself that making money would make me happy. I'm not very materialistic to begin with. I'd rather be poor and in love with my life than rich and miserable. I don't want to wake up everyday of my life, hating my job. I've never done what's "right" and "sensible"... so why start now?
I realize I'm a "make ends meet" sort of person to begin with - in a word: resourceful. But life isn't about making money and amassing wealth. Life is about enjoying the time you're spending while the days pass you by. Maybe my friends aren't so backwards. Maybe being poor isn't the worst thing that can happen to you (like I began to start believing). Maybe simply not wanting to be living your own life is the worst thing that can happen to you. I feel like that's the boat I'm in right now :(
I want out, ASAP. In reality, I don't care if I'm rich, as long as I'm happy. I'm not sure how I convinced myself that making money would make me happy. I'm not very materialistic to begin with. I'd rather be poor and in love with my life than rich and miserable. I don't want to wake up everyday of my life, hating my job. I've never done what's "right" and "sensible"... so why start now?
I realize I'm a "make ends meet" sort of person to begin with - in a word: resourceful. But life isn't about making money and amassing wealth. Life is about enjoying the time you're spending while the days pass you by. Maybe my friends aren't so backwards. Maybe being poor isn't the worst thing that can happen to you (like I began to start believing). Maybe simply not wanting to be living your own life is the worst thing that can happen to you. I feel like that's the boat I'm in right now :(
Saturday, March 1, 2008
An Honest Post
I'm in love with a man who I know cares about me but will never love me enough to put me before himself.
I've tried telling myself that I'm just in love with the idea of what we could be and not what we are. I've also tried chalking my feelings for him up to the great sex and his good looks, but I know that's not all I see in him. I've also tried rationalizing my emotions by basing them on the few times we've shared a significant memory, but that doesn't even come close to explaining why I'm still around after all the terrible memories...
Sometimes I feel like there's something seriously disturbed about how I view love. Is it just a game of cat and mouse? Am I in love with him because he's a challenge? Maybe. He's the one man I've never been able to capture fully. But even in the times I had "won" him for that hour, or that day, I always craved more. I always wished it would never end.
It's not like I feel amazingly beautiful or sexy around him. I don't feel impressive or irrefutably intelligent either. At the same time, I don't feel desperate or sad. Neither unhappy, nor defeated. It doesn't make clear sense to me why he still captures my interest and even my heart to this day.
We don't have that much in common, barring video games and sex, but there's something about him which draws me into this world where I truly believe he and I should be together. We are meant to be together - that's what I always tell myself.
He hasn't dated anyone seriously for the past 5 years, and I've been his only sex partner for the last 2.5 years of his life. When he feels like saying it, he tells me he loves me. In fact, he told me that he's loved me only a few weeks after we first met, but never told me. I told him that I realized that I was in love with him after he fell asleep while we were watching a movie. Random, I know. But there was something very powerful about knowing he was dead to the world while I was awake with a whirlwind of emotions and feelings spiraling out of control inside of me even without an imput from him - so much so that it all overflowed and my eyes started welling up with tears.
Maybe I started crying because I realized it could never be - that we were two very different people who led very different lives and that it could never realistically work. Or maybe I started to cry because there was nothing else I wanted more than to fall asleep every night like that - with him out like a rock and in my arms.
I remember all the bad stuff, it's true. I'll never forget what it was like to have him flake on me all of those times. It really killed me a little each time. But I forgive, and truly forget. With him, it's all I know how to do.
But then I remember the times that showed him at his best: my candlelit bedroom, stargazing on blankets in the park, gaming at the net cafe... and times that I wanted to be with him just for the sake of being there with him: sleeping in his attic on a sleeping bag, playing WoW so I could chat with him in-game, driving to his place at 3AM to sleep over for 4 hours after he had a bad day.
I constantly try to convince him that we're perfect for each other, but I'm not sure he's convinced. I guess what matters is that I'm convinced, completely. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish we were falling asleep together.
Sweet dreams.
I love you.
Good night.
I've tried telling myself that I'm just in love with the idea of what we could be and not what we are. I've also tried chalking my feelings for him up to the great sex and his good looks, but I know that's not all I see in him. I've also tried rationalizing my emotions by basing them on the few times we've shared a significant memory, but that doesn't even come close to explaining why I'm still around after all the terrible memories...
Sometimes I feel like there's something seriously disturbed about how I view love. Is it just a game of cat and mouse? Am I in love with him because he's a challenge? Maybe. He's the one man I've never been able to capture fully. But even in the times I had "won" him for that hour, or that day, I always craved more. I always wished it would never end.
It's not like I feel amazingly beautiful or sexy around him. I don't feel impressive or irrefutably intelligent either. At the same time, I don't feel desperate or sad. Neither unhappy, nor defeated. It doesn't make clear sense to me why he still captures my interest and even my heart to this day.
We don't have that much in common, barring video games and sex, but there's something about him which draws me into this world where I truly believe he and I should be together. We are meant to be together - that's what I always tell myself.
He hasn't dated anyone seriously for the past 5 years, and I've been his only sex partner for the last 2.5 years of his life. When he feels like saying it, he tells me he loves me. In fact, he told me that he's loved me only a few weeks after we first met, but never told me. I told him that I realized that I was in love with him after he fell asleep while we were watching a movie. Random, I know. But there was something very powerful about knowing he was dead to the world while I was awake with a whirlwind of emotions and feelings spiraling out of control inside of me even without an imput from him - so much so that it all overflowed and my eyes started welling up with tears.
Maybe I started crying because I realized it could never be - that we were two very different people who led very different lives and that it could never realistically work. Or maybe I started to cry because there was nothing else I wanted more than to fall asleep every night like that - with him out like a rock and in my arms.
I remember all the bad stuff, it's true. I'll never forget what it was like to have him flake on me all of those times. It really killed me a little each time. But I forgive, and truly forget. With him, it's all I know how to do.
But then I remember the times that showed him at his best: my candlelit bedroom, stargazing on blankets in the park, gaming at the net cafe... and times that I wanted to be with him just for the sake of being there with him: sleeping in his attic on a sleeping bag, playing WoW so I could chat with him in-game, driving to his place at 3AM to sleep over for 4 hours after he had a bad day.
I constantly try to convince him that we're perfect for each other, but I'm not sure he's convinced. I guess what matters is that I'm convinced, completely. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish we were falling asleep together.
Sweet dreams.
I love you.
Good night.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Quyenchilla - Level 2!
So, with my new job, I feel as if I'm a character in a role playing game and I just went up a level :P I'm becoming a much more specialized worker now and my job is definitely not "entry level" anymore. It's a good feeling, but also brings in the reality of how stark a contrast this all is from previous jobs and projects I've worked on.
The more I get into accounting, the more I realize how truly challenging and trying it is on a day to day basis. This week, I worked 54 hours. I'll also teach about 8 hours tomorrow. I'm starting to work too much... but it's the learning curve and growing pains of a new job; that's all. I'll get faster and eventually, this will be a 40 hour job again :P
As for school, I got a 95% on my Econ test and have the 2nd highest grade in the class for accounting :) I'm kinda falling behind in my computer class though :( I can't wait to take my vacation! :)
The more I get into accounting, the more I realize how truly challenging and trying it is on a day to day basis. This week, I worked 54 hours. I'll also teach about 8 hours tomorrow. I'm starting to work too much... but it's the learning curve and growing pains of a new job; that's all. I'll get faster and eventually, this will be a 40 hour job again :P
As for school, I got a 95% on my Econ test and have the 2nd highest grade in the class for accounting :) I'm kinda falling behind in my computer class though :( I can't wait to take my vacation! :)
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Emotional Economics
All we hear is that we should spend our money on things that will help make our limited resources go further: buy an education versus a vacation to Cabo because an education (although grueling) will ultimately help you make more money by extending your resources than say the immediate happiness granted by your dream vacation.
But what effect does that Cabo vacation or any other "consumer good" have on the limited resource of your happiness? In essence, is the Cabo vacation a capital good when it concerns your emotional well-being? Really, what are the effects of spending money on consumer goods if consumer goods actually makes your emotional resources go further?
We are our best and most valued business: we are the sole beneficiaries of all the profits we reap, we are the ones who will benefit from any growth our business makes, and most importantly, we are the proverbial CEO's of our company, able to make and guide the future of our enterprise.
Now, let's say we use time as one of our limited resources. Wouldn't we be more productive if that time was spent doing something that invigorates and inspires us, thereby increasing our energy levels and our emotional resources, than something which is defeating and makes us less and less likely to want to achieve anything?
Maybe doing without a consumer good like an iPod isn't such a good idea if it means drudging through your workday with no music to make it pass by more quickly and be more enjoyable. Maybe doing without that new car isn't the greatest thing to do if your junker stresses you out by breaking down all the time.
The way I see it is that you can always choose to buy the "capital goods" that economists tout as the holy grail of financial well-being, but what about the capital goods for your soul? By buying into the hype of Roth IRAs and 401k's, you don't leave much room for the economic growth of your emotional resources. And if we're talking business, not taking care of your parent company by allocating resources to your satellite company is like only feeding the children in a starving African family. Who is going to take care of those kids when their parents have already died of dysentary?
But what effect does that Cabo vacation or any other "consumer good" have on the limited resource of your happiness? In essence, is the Cabo vacation a capital good when it concerns your emotional well-being? Really, what are the effects of spending money on consumer goods if consumer goods actually makes your emotional resources go further?
We are our best and most valued business: we are the sole beneficiaries of all the profits we reap, we are the ones who will benefit from any growth our business makes, and most importantly, we are the proverbial CEO's of our company, able to make and guide the future of our enterprise.
Now, let's say we use time as one of our limited resources. Wouldn't we be more productive if that time was spent doing something that invigorates and inspires us, thereby increasing our energy levels and our emotional resources, than something which is defeating and makes us less and less likely to want to achieve anything?
Maybe doing without a consumer good like an iPod isn't such a good idea if it means drudging through your workday with no music to make it pass by more quickly and be more enjoyable. Maybe doing without that new car isn't the greatest thing to do if your junker stresses you out by breaking down all the time.
The way I see it is that you can always choose to buy the "capital goods" that economists tout as the holy grail of financial well-being, but what about the capital goods for your soul? By buying into the hype of Roth IRAs and 401k's, you don't leave much room for the economic growth of your emotional resources. And if we're talking business, not taking care of your parent company by allocating resources to your satellite company is like only feeding the children in a starving African family. Who is going to take care of those kids when their parents have already died of dysentary?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Therapy
I go to therapy for a variety of reasons. Something I'm working on now is releasing my inner child more often instead of bottling it up inside (I know it sounds corny). Basically, I'm so strong all the time, for my friends as a shoulder to cry on, or for myself (so I can push ahead with my goals and aspirations) that I never cry or feel much mercy for others. I'm also incredibly hard on myself and don't give myself a lot of slack - I always have to know the answer and do things the right way otherwise I feel useless.
You might say to yourself, "Those things are required for your survival as a responsible and successful adult" and I agree, but even so-called adults give themselves a pat on the back sometimes, and that's something I have trouble doing - being happy with where I'm at in life.
I've done lots of amazing things in my life - won the national championship on viola and competed internationally as the US representative, played viola on National Public Radio, solo'd and composed for various orchestras around the country, I've tutored the SAT, writing at the college level, been director of piano in LA, played film scores in the most elite studios in the industry... and even now, I'm 24 y/o working 2 jobs and making roughly $55K a year, own and run my own business, play with the La Jolla Symphony, manage a band which I compose and play for, am going back to school for my CPA, getting promoted at work, and to add to my financial and personal success, I've been engaged before and am still best friends with my some of my ex'es.
However, for me, nothing is good enough. I want to make 6 figures by the time I'm 35, I hope to find my partner for life one day, and so on and so on and so on. You see, it's hard for me to be satisfied with myself because I don't usually respect others. And because I don't respect others, I don't want to live mundane lives like they do where they stagnate and just die off. But because I detest living a lackluster life, I tend to suck all the fun out of just living and being happy. So yeah... it's all weird and cyclical as you can see.
In therapy, I do affirmations like "I accept myself as who I truly am" to try to embrace my inner child and let myself just be innocent. Whereas most people tend to not take enough responsibility for their lives, I tend to do so so much that I beat myself up over it.
Therapy for me is an hour where I don't have to have all the answers and "be all that I can be".
Talk about issues, huh? :P
You might say to yourself, "Those things are required for your survival as a responsible and successful adult" and I agree, but even so-called adults give themselves a pat on the back sometimes, and that's something I have trouble doing - being happy with where I'm at in life.
I've done lots of amazing things in my life - won the national championship on viola and competed internationally as the US representative, played viola on National Public Radio, solo'd and composed for various orchestras around the country, I've tutored the SAT, writing at the college level, been director of piano in LA, played film scores in the most elite studios in the industry... and even now, I'm 24 y/o working 2 jobs and making roughly $55K a year, own and run my own business, play with the La Jolla Symphony, manage a band which I compose and play for, am going back to school for my CPA, getting promoted at work, and to add to my financial and personal success, I've been engaged before and am still best friends with my some of my ex'es.
However, for me, nothing is good enough. I want to make 6 figures by the time I'm 35, I hope to find my partner for life one day, and so on and so on and so on. You see, it's hard for me to be satisfied with myself because I don't usually respect others. And because I don't respect others, I don't want to live mundane lives like they do where they stagnate and just die off. But because I detest living a lackluster life, I tend to suck all the fun out of just living and being happy. So yeah... it's all weird and cyclical as you can see.
In therapy, I do affirmations like "I accept myself as who I truly am" to try to embrace my inner child and let myself just be innocent. Whereas most people tend to not take enough responsibility for their lives, I tend to do so so much that I beat myself up over it.
Therapy for me is an hour where I don't have to have all the answers and "be all that I can be".
Talk about issues, huh? :P
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