Sex and Swinging

Why am I obsessed with this topic? I downloaded a podcast called "Sex is Fun" and of course I started listening to the shows on threesomes, swinging, and group sex. It just seems that monogamous sex is no longer thrilling anymore to some people, Mitch included. I sometimes find myself wanting to be the girl who can give him that experience, but I also know that I'm not comfortable with myself enough to put myself in that situation.

Lately, Mitch and I have been talking about coming out of your comfort zone, and becoming a butterfly after a metamorphosizing spell in the 'ole cocoon. Could it be that I am supposed to become a group sex queen? It's not like the thought doesn't turn me on, but I can see it spiraling out of control on my side:

- I can see myself finding a guy who is young, hung, and full of cum and leaving Mitch for the new guy (especially as he gets older)

- I can see myself not wanting to touch him anymore after seeing him with another person for two reasons: 1) the sanctity of monogamous sex would be broken and going back to monogamous sex would no longer be special or something that exists only between the two of us and 2) I'd be sad that he wanted another person to please him other than myself.

- I can see myself going without Mitch to go have sexual adventures with other boys/couples/groups/etc. that we've played with before for my own sexual or emotional gratification.

- I could get tons of diseases (playing with or without Mitch) and then give them to him (seeing as how I hate condoms and probably would never use them even though it's the smart thing to do)

- But most importantly, I could simply get jealous after the first go and throw away the relationship citing 'things can never be the same'.

Unbeknownst to Mitch, I've always had a fantasy of being a total sexpot, escort, or porn star - professionally. I think beauty and sexuality are powerful and can be used as a very manipulative tool. As far as my own physical attributes go, I think I could be a very well-paid escort or a porn star with some fame and fortune. Add in the talent and intelligence, and I could be shipped in by rich businessmen needing my company.

But that's a fantasy that I've been trying to give up for the past year now, because 3 years prior to that, I was so close to having that become a reality. If I went back to that, Mitch would just be one of several boyfriends I would be juggling. I'm not sure if he realizes that or even sees that as a possibility.

I remember one fateful year that I was in a relationship with Steve 1.0, Chris 2.0, some 19 y/o boy I used to have over, and several other guys all at the same time. And by relationship, I mean they thought I was their full time girlfriend. I remember once when Chris 2.0 left my apartment, and Steve 1.0 showed up 30 seconds later - they must have passed one another in the lobby! I never admitted to anyone that such was the case up until today, right here in my blog.

You see, people's priorities change but their ability to do the same things they did in the past does not, it is only repressed by the current goals they are striving towards. If I got back into the whole 'freedom of sexuality' lifestyle, it would all come back full force. I would just throw away everything that is important to me right now and go back to the way I used to live my life - with no morals, values or ethics.

I think when I really dig deep, that is the reason I don't want to get into swinging and that whole lifestyle - it would compormise me as a person and take me back to a lifestyle I don't like and even push it into unknown boundaries. I tell Mitch that the threesome experience wasn't good (and honestly it wasn't anything to write home about in the slightest) but the real reason is that this is all about me - I'm just not sure I could fully love or respect a man who didn't fully love or respect me. I would eventually fall out out of love with Mitch and leave him.

That all being said, I'm a total martyr for my romantic relationships. If Mitch wants this to be a part of his sexual repertoire, I know I'll eventually give in and arrange the encounter without his knowledge and let him fulfill his fantasies. I'm just not sure I really want to fly away from him once I break out of the cocoon again.

My ultimate sexual fantasy is to be completely happy and satisfied with just one person. I've tried the other stuff, and it just doesn't work. I wonder if I'll ever fulfill my ultimate fantasy?