The Grand Canyon

Mitch and I didn't end up going :( First, we got in a fight about his ex g/f. Apparently, he didn't tell her that we were dating yet. It's been 2 months people. What could possibly be the reason for that? My guess was that he planned on getting back together with her, which makes me want to be less committal. We almost broke up (again) and honestly, it may yet happen.

His decision to not tell his ex he was no longer single told me two things. 1) I can't trust he'll take care of my feelings even if I tell him how I feel (I told him it hurt me 3 weeks before all of this and he still didn't do anything about it) and 2) I can't trust that his words reflect his actions (he said he would take care of it 3 weeks ago too)

Despite me being angry about the whole situation, I decided to put away bad feelings for the time being because he started having stomache pains - an 8 out of 10 on the pain scale. I drove him to the hospital and spent 5 hours with him in Urgent Care and then drove him back to my place and took care of him from Friday until Sunday, making sure he was taking his meds, cooking mild meals for him to eat so he could keep the food down, letting him relax without bringing up relationship drama (since it was unresolved), and letting him spend the weekend recooperating and playing video games.

All in all, I was a damned good g/f, but that doesn't mean everything is water under the bridge - there are still issues that need to be resolved, but I decided to let his health and recovery take priority. The deeper I get into this relationship, the more I see the flaws. And the more conflict we have, the less I'm willing to compromise myself to suit his lifestyle. What about the quality of life I want for myself?

I want a man that's going to rise to the challenge of being with me. Sure, have your own ideals, and activities, and friends - I really don't mind. But don't sit there and tell me that you're just the way you are and that you can't improve yourself. In the meantime, I am opening myself up to your interests and changing my priorities to accomodate yours. It's really unfair. I don't want to be with someone who isn't open to living out of his comfort zone - after all, people are there to show you new things and forever change the way you see life.

I sometimes wonder whether this is just a passing thing - a learning phase, so to speak. Or is this the way it's just going to be and I have to deal with it? I feel like I'm giving a lot. I feel like I'm constantly trying to understand what he needs to be in this relationship - sexually, emotionally, intellectually. But I don't really feel like he looks out for me. I don't believe he really takes me into consideration in his actions or choices. I feel like I'm an afterthought - that nice things only happen when things are going wrong and not when things are going right. It's not proactive - it's reactive. I'm just not used to it, and no matter how I try to rationalize it, I still don't agree with it.

In the end, there's just this feeling I can't shake that I'm just not that important to him, and that very well may be true. I feel like I'm playing second fiddle to something I can't put my finger on. I feel like I'm the kitchen sink - that you only address cleaning it when the dishes get too high. I've never been treated like this before. Ever. I've always felt like the ray of sunlight in a thunderstorm. But now, I feel like part of the entourage. Here's a Monday morning haiku:

My heart shrinks just a
little bit... Doors close, blinds shut...
How can you see me?