Sex and Swinging

Why am I obsessed with this topic? I downloaded a podcast called "Sex is Fun" and of course I started listening to the shows on threesomes, swinging, and group sex. It just seems that monogamous sex is no longer thrilling anymore to some people, Mitch included. I sometimes find myself wanting to be the girl who can give him that experience, but I also know that I'm not comfortable with myself enough to put myself in that situation.

Lately, Mitch and I have been talking about coming out of your comfort zone, and becoming a butterfly after a metamorphosizing spell in the 'ole cocoon. Could it be that I am supposed to become a group sex queen? It's not like the thought doesn't turn me on, but I can see it spiraling out of control on my side:

- I can see myself finding a guy who is young, hung, and full of cum and leaving Mitch for the new guy (especially as he gets older)

- I can see myself not wanting to touch him anymore after seeing him with another person for two reasons: 1) the sanctity of monogamous sex would be broken and going back to monogamous sex would no longer be special or something that exists only between the two of us and 2) I'd be sad that he wanted another person to please him other than myself.

- I can see myself going without Mitch to go have sexual adventures with other boys/couples/groups/etc. that we've played with before for my own sexual or emotional gratification.

- I could get tons of diseases (playing with or without Mitch) and then give them to him (seeing as how I hate condoms and probably would never use them even though it's the smart thing to do)

- But most importantly, I could simply get jealous after the first go and throw away the relationship citing 'things can never be the same'.

Unbeknownst to Mitch, I've always had a fantasy of being a total sexpot, escort, or porn star - professionally. I think beauty and sexuality are powerful and can be used as a very manipulative tool. As far as my own physical attributes go, I think I could be a very well-paid escort or a porn star with some fame and fortune. Add in the talent and intelligence, and I could be shipped in by rich businessmen needing my company.

But that's a fantasy that I've been trying to give up for the past year now, because 3 years prior to that, I was so close to having that become a reality. If I went back to that, Mitch would just be one of several boyfriends I would be juggling. I'm not sure if he realizes that or even sees that as a possibility.

I remember one fateful year that I was in a relationship with Steve 1.0, Chris 2.0, some 19 y/o boy I used to have over, and several other guys all at the same time. And by relationship, I mean they thought I was their full time girlfriend. I remember once when Chris 2.0 left my apartment, and Steve 1.0 showed up 30 seconds later - they must have passed one another in the lobby! I never admitted to anyone that such was the case up until today, right here in my blog.

You see, people's priorities change but their ability to do the same things they did in the past does not, it is only repressed by the current goals they are striving towards. If I got back into the whole 'freedom of sexuality' lifestyle, it would all come back full force. I would just throw away everything that is important to me right now and go back to the way I used to live my life - with no morals, values or ethics.

I think when I really dig deep, that is the reason I don't want to get into swinging and that whole lifestyle - it would compormise me as a person and take me back to a lifestyle I don't like and even push it into unknown boundaries. I tell Mitch that the threesome experience wasn't good (and honestly it wasn't anything to write home about in the slightest) but the real reason is that this is all about me - I'm just not sure I could fully love or respect a man who didn't fully love or respect me. I would eventually fall out out of love with Mitch and leave him.

That all being said, I'm a total martyr for my romantic relationships. If Mitch wants this to be a part of his sexual repertoire, I know I'll eventually give in and arrange the encounter without his knowledge and let him fulfill his fantasies. I'm just not sure I really want to fly away from him once I break out of the cocoon again.

My ultimate sexual fantasy is to be completely happy and satisfied with just one person. I've tried the other stuff, and it just doesn't work. I wonder if I'll ever fulfill my ultimate fantasy?

Chris 2.0 Weekend '07

I'll start by saying that Mitch and I broke up on Saturday morning right before I dropped him off at his house to go teach. He had decided that the ultimatum I gave him - Be committed and try to be the man I want to have by my side or scrap the relationship and move on - was too much to ask of him. So we parted, him having chosen to throw away his second chance to make our relationship work (for those who don't already know, I only give two chances to be in a relationship with me)

Later that day, Chris 2.0 came over to spend the weekend with me. I was so happy to see him, especially after what had transpired that morning. We ended up eating dinner, playing some online poker, going to Lei Lounge with my coworkers, and watching Eastern Promises, a movie about the Russian mafia. Before we left to Lei Lounge, I was busy trying to find an outfit to wear out. One thing led to another and before I knew what was happening, Chris 2.0 was going down on me ;) We ended up having sex, showering and then going on our merry way.

Sunday morning came and we had sex again, and then went to breakfast together. Shortly thereafter, Chris 2.0 started his trek back to Anaheim.

The funny thing about seeing Chris 2.0 was that I thought seeing him would make everything better. I thought we'd have our usual, mindblowing sex and connect all over again - but it was pretty mild this time. In fact, the sex was sort of more trouble than it was worth :( What made it worse was that when Chris 2.0 kissed me, it was not the way I had become used to being kissed. In a way, I wish it were Mitch who had kissed me, instead. In fact, the sex I had with Mitch was even better than the Legendary 2.0's. In a way, it crushed a small reality for me, and opened my eyes to a new one - I really DO love Mitch after all...

I texted Mitch these simple words: "You've been on my mind"

Mitch called me and we talked. He told me that he had made a mistake, that he wanted to have an "A" life with me. I called him back and told him he should know I slept with Chris 2.0 before he decides to try and win me back. He said that he wasn't going to let that stop him.

We went out to Appertivo, a tapas and wine bar in North Park, and it was like our first date all over again. I was so happy :) And in a small way, I fell in love with him a little bit...

Mitch asked for one month to prove to me that he can be the man that makes me happy. I agreed, and if at the end of 30 days, I feel like breaking a rule I haven't broken since I first started dating would be the wisest thing to do, then I'll reinstate him as my b/f. Until then, I promised I wouldn't date other men to give him a fighting chance.

As for Chris 2.0, the romance surrounding our past relationship is dead. We are just two people that shared a moment several years ago and tried to keep it alive. But I actually no longer yearn to be the woman by his side. In that sense, this weekend was good for me because it freed me of those old alliances and obligations. Maybe when I say I'm free to move on, I really do mean it this time...

Randomness

My new celebrity crush is Kevin Zegers.

Poignant song lyric - "If I could paint a picture of this melody, it would be a violin without its strings." - from 'Heavy on my Heart' by Anastacia

I want to write a cookbook full of cheap recipes (around $1 a serving) and money saving tips for grocery shopping (how to shop by sales and cycles)

I'm addicted to iTunes podcasts. So far, I've subscribed to podcasts about cooking, cuisine, tarot, Carnegie Hall, viola da gamba, fashion, and French. The best part is it is all free! :D Yay!

My teeth have become amazingly straight in only a month of officially having them on! This might move up my surgery date as well as shorten the time I need to be wearing braces! :D Yay!

I made up with my family, and I now rent my teaching studio at the old house for $200 a month.

Joke of the day:

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

LOL

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice

When you think of the typical woman, what do you expect her to be? What skills and attributes would you expect her to have? I bet you a majority would expect her to be able to cook. Also, she would most likely be feminine and beautiful. She would also be social and be great with other people, able to hostess as well as attend to the needs of others effectively. She would radiate warmth and charm. She would have flair and style. She would possess grace and sophistication.

But, by necessity, would you expect her to be amazingly intelligent, able to talk about any issue or subject? Would you expect her to be athletic and physically powerful? Would you expect her to be the main breadwinner in a family? I think not. Women are held to a different set of standards than men when it comes to their worth. Women are expected to be beautiful and charming (a la Miss Universe Pageant) and not much more. Think trophy wife or porn star, here. A woman can exist by just being a hot piece of ass with feminine wiles. A man? That delusional bastard better get a job ;)

It's a shame that women are not expected to be more, and as such, are often not viewed with the same capabilities as men, who have expectations which are the inverse of women. If a man is not attractive, charming, or warm - it's entirely okay. The problem is that more and more women today need to take on the man's role because men aren't performing the way they need to. A women has to be her own breadwinner. She has to be physically powerful so she can open her own jars and doors. She even has to have a brain to compete in today's job market. In essence, she is fulfilling the man's role. What's more, she has to walk the fine line between her expectations as a woman and her forced role as a man. And meanwhile, things like trophy wives, beauty pageants, and porn stars, are not only insulting to the self-sufficient woman, but also reminds her that everything she's worked to accomplish may not truly be what she is valued for anyway.

The Grand Canyon

Mitch and I didn't end up going :( First, we got in a fight about his ex g/f. Apparently, he didn't tell her that we were dating yet. It's been 2 months people. What could possibly be the reason for that? My guess was that he planned on getting back together with her, which makes me want to be less committal. We almost broke up (again) and honestly, it may yet happen.

His decision to not tell his ex he was no longer single told me two things. 1) I can't trust he'll take care of my feelings even if I tell him how I feel (I told him it hurt me 3 weeks before all of this and he still didn't do anything about it) and 2) I can't trust that his words reflect his actions (he said he would take care of it 3 weeks ago too)

Despite me being angry about the whole situation, I decided to put away bad feelings for the time being because he started having stomache pains - an 8 out of 10 on the pain scale. I drove him to the hospital and spent 5 hours with him in Urgent Care and then drove him back to my place and took care of him from Friday until Sunday, making sure he was taking his meds, cooking mild meals for him to eat so he could keep the food down, letting him relax without bringing up relationship drama (since it was unresolved), and letting him spend the weekend recooperating and playing video games.

All in all, I was a damned good g/f, but that doesn't mean everything is water under the bridge - there are still issues that need to be resolved, but I decided to let his health and recovery take priority. The deeper I get into this relationship, the more I see the flaws. And the more conflict we have, the less I'm willing to compromise myself to suit his lifestyle. What about the quality of life I want for myself?

I want a man that's going to rise to the challenge of being with me. Sure, have your own ideals, and activities, and friends - I really don't mind. But don't sit there and tell me that you're just the way you are and that you can't improve yourself. In the meantime, I am opening myself up to your interests and changing my priorities to accomodate yours. It's really unfair. I don't want to be with someone who isn't open to living out of his comfort zone - after all, people are there to show you new things and forever change the way you see life.

I sometimes wonder whether this is just a passing thing - a learning phase, so to speak. Or is this the way it's just going to be and I have to deal with it? I feel like I'm giving a lot. I feel like I'm constantly trying to understand what he needs to be in this relationship - sexually, emotionally, intellectually. But I don't really feel like he looks out for me. I don't believe he really takes me into consideration in his actions or choices. I feel like I'm an afterthought - that nice things only happen when things are going wrong and not when things are going right. It's not proactive - it's reactive. I'm just not used to it, and no matter how I try to rationalize it, I still don't agree with it.

In the end, there's just this feeling I can't shake that I'm just not that important to him, and that very well may be true. I feel like I'm playing second fiddle to something I can't put my finger on. I feel like I'm the kitchen sink - that you only address cleaning it when the dishes get too high. I've never been treated like this before. Ever. I've always felt like the ray of sunlight in a thunderstorm. But now, I feel like part of the entourage. Here's a Monday morning haiku:

My heart shrinks just a
little bit... Doors close, blinds shut...
How can you see me?

"Family"

What is family and how do you discern who qualifies as a member? Dictionary.com defines famils as, "a group of related things or people: ex - the family of romantic poets; the halogen family of elements. " Is family based on the typical bloodline? That seems to be the status quo concerning our use of the term. According to our definition, it definitely fits into the schema - related by blood and genetics.

But the word family must imply something deeper than blood. In my opinion, it should encompass many facets that relate one person to the other. In the quintessential genetic family, we could say that you are related to your parents and siblings by genetics, upbringing, moral and social values, time (assuming you know your family for your first 18 years of life), and shared experiences. All of these things have the possibility for making a great representation of the word "family" - a group of related things or people.

But the question then is, what if your own family unit does not meet up to the standards of the quintessential genetic family? What if your family only shares genetics, as the name implies? Is it truly a family? I think not.

I regard my family as Jenni, Mom, Bo, and Chelle. As per the quintessential genetic family, I shall now do an inventory of the various qualities:

GENETICS - Mom, Bo, and Jenni are all fully related to me by blood. Chelle is my half-sister, a child of my mother from a past marriage.

UPBRINGING - Being the youngest of 3 children (and being the favorite), my sisters and I all grew up to be profoundly different people probably due to the different ways in which our parents treated each of us. Chelle had more expectations on her because she was the oldest. Jenni had no expectations on her because she was born with physical disabilities, and I, after my sisters had failed in amounting to much, was the last hope of the family to make something of myself. The different parenting styles lended themselves to favoritism and pitting one sibling against the other. Between parent and child, my sisters and I were raised in an American society, and my parents in a typical Vietnamese society.

MORAL & SOCIAL VALUES - I think this is where we all differ the most, and are the same in the most negative of ways. While we all believe in being strong and independent, we all go about it a different way. My mother is a Renaissance woman, able to do anything and needing no man. Jenni finds her strength in manipulating men to do her bidding. Chelle finds her strength in her aggressiveness and overbearing manner. Bo finds his strength in being the person who is in control of any situtation (even if it means compromising those around him). And I find my strength in the approval of others and accomplishments which garner praise. Anyone can see that by our very natures that we cannot share the same moral and social values.

TIME - During my first 18 years of life, I can honestly say the maximum time I've spent with each family member from most to least would be: Mom, Jenni, Chelle, Bo. However, I only spent 16 years with my Mom, 14 with Jenni, 11 with Chelle, and 9 with Bo. Due to divorce, abuse, foster homes, moving out due to coming of age, running away from home, and other such events, I haven't spent all of my 18 formidable years with any of my family. Of course, I share the closest bond with my mother and the bond decreases as time spent together decreases. I'm not blaming anyone; it's just a fact of life.

SHARED EXPERIENCES - The shared experiences I have with my family are all of physical/mental abuse and support (or non-support) in my musical efforts. Taking this in, these are not good shared experiences to have.

In conclusion, it is apparent to me (as well as the casual onlooker) that my family does not fit the definition - a group of related things or people.

The question now is, how shall I deal with the situation at hand? I could do partition of sale of the home, but I couldn't do that to my mother who I owe the most to. Can I stay on the title of the house and just not contribute to the mortgage? Is that legal? Am I willing to give up all that I've worked for in building a great studio? Do I back down to what I regard as basically strangers? Or do I stand up for a dying cause? I'm so unsure... but I do know that nothing will ever be the same. This is a defining point in my life, and I don't want to make a decision I will regret later. I just wish I knew which way to turn...

The Ideal Relationship

What is the purpose of having a relationship? Surely it's not for the benefit of constant sex. If that's all a relationship were, I'm sure many people would be more satisfied with a life of hedonism. I mean, if that were true, people would be in relationships where sex is the defining strength of the couple, and having anything else in common would not be a concern.

Obviously, sex is not the defining factor. How about stability? I hear about so many relationships falling apart because they are too stable, too predictable, and too boring. We always hear the reason for cheating being, "I needed more excitement in my life, and you just don't do it for me anymore." So, let's cross out stability.

I think we're going about this all wrong. Constant sex? Stability? Do relationships exist to satisfy or stabalize a person? It's just so mediocre - so ordinary. Place holder, rut, and bare minimums are all words I think of when I think of that. No, relationships must exist to serve some greater purpose than sex farm and tranquilizer dart.

The idea that one person can create and invent and amount to something more than he was yesterday is such a profound idea. Imagine what could be created, invented, or achieved with two people working as a team? Even if they never produced something together, (like two painters or two scientists might) imagine what effect one another's support could bolster the other to achieve!

That is my idea of the ideal relationship: Two people who work together and support each other and challenge each other to be more than what they were before. You want nothing more than for your partner to realize their dreams and aspirations, and the same goes for needing the same support in your own life when you pursue your own.

I guess this goes back to my alternate theory for the 4th dimension in "Flatland". I believe the next dimension is always something you can't see at face value, but you always know that there's something greater than what is apparent. I believe the next dimension is always the union of the previous dimension - many points make a line, many lines make a plane, many planes make an object, etc. So, for humans, what would be the answer if you united all of us and focused our efforts? What would that be? I like to think it is spirit. I like to think that it is the essence of faith, and along with that, perseverance, motivation, will, and hope.

The union of two people is but a microcosm of this grand concept, but within them lies all the possibility of an entire civilization.

As I always tell my students, why get a "C" on a test when you can get an "A"?