Stress

So, I've been dealing with so much lately. Too much for my little 24 y/o brain to take. In the past 2 weeks (and in the upcoming 3 weeks) I have had to worry about:

- finding an apartment that's cheap, close to work, safe, and allows cats
- realizing I don't have the finances to get my own place and finding a roommate
- fighting with all the members of my family
- contemplating losing my teaching studio, then figuring out how to get it back, only to lose it again
- auditioning for the La Jolla Symphony
- dealing with the sheer workload of fiscal year-end at work
- packing all of my belongings and moving into the apartment
- going through my quarter-life crisis and doubting the validity of my life as well as being depressed
- dealing with the layoff at work
- trying to make my relationship as well as sex life stronger with Mitch
- dealing with the body competition with Mitch and trying not to feel like a fat slob even though I've been eating like crap and haven't been exercising due to time constraints and stess
- being charged with holding a family meeting to discuss my ownership of the house as well as my ability to teach at the home studio
- finding a tenant to replace me for the mortgage

So, you see... I've been under a lot of stress. I'm definitely not myself these days. But I know that it will calm down in a month or so. I'm looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost there...

P.S. I won the audition for the La Jolla Symphony! I'm assistant principal viola! Yay! :D

The Corporate Scandal

I’m so sad right now. We just had a Corporate layoff of about 40 people from upper management, all the way from senior managers to VPs. I’m speechless. They had same day notice – They got an email on Tuesday, and were not allowed back in the building on Wednesday. Their admins had to pack their belongings in a box and mail it to them. It’s just so cruel and cut-throat. My manager didn’t change, but our Director did and everyone else above that.

Additionally, the new CEO ax’ed them because he wants to bring his old buddies from IBM into the office to work alongside him. They should arrive by the end of next quarter, just in time for the public announcements. I just think it’s so wrong. Our VP of finance handled 8 mergers in his time here. That’s by no means a small accomplishment! Why would you do away with such a valuable player like that? I just don’t get it.

I guess what this all boils down to is that I just realized my own sense of Corporate mortality. I could be laid off at any time as well. And seeing as I’m saving for jaw surgery and just got a new apartment, that could seriously throw a wrench into my plans. It could still happen. Usually, the accounting department is located where the CFO is located. For us, that’s in Minnesota. My manager says there are no plans to transfer us, but who knows? It could happen… later today… and I wouldn’t be allowed back in the building tomorrow.

Cello Day!

Today is Cello Day for three reasons:

1) I might buy a cello today for only $160! :D

2) One of my cello students won the principal cello position in his school orchestra! :D

3) It is my g/f, Sarah's junior cello recital tonight! :) It will also be the first time Mitch and I go out to see a concert together :) We're buying flowers for her as a couple :) Aren't we adorable? :D *shields herself from your vomit* :P

I also figured out what I'm going to get him for our 2 month Anniversary :) But shhhh! It's a secret :)

OMG! YAY!

OMG! YAY! I GOT THE APARTMENT! :D

"2 bed/2 bath, 3rd floor unit $1165 w/ $800 security deposit. This gated community surrounds a beautifully landscaped, quaint courtyard. We have spacious apartments with the following features:

* Well-lit units, very cozy
* New granite counter tops
* New tile in kitchen, dining area and bathroom
* Private balcony
* On-site Property Manager
* Energy efficient, all electrical appliances (microwave, stove, fridge, dishwasher, garbage disposal)
* On-site laundry room (open 24 hours)
* Assigned underground parking/carport parking (w/$35 garage opener deposit)
* Intercom entry system
* Owner pays water/sewer/garbage
* 3-story bldg. w/elevator
* Electric A/C and heat
* Ceiling fan
* Centrally located. Minutes from Balboa Park, Mission Valley, I-805, I-8 and the 94. 6-month to 1-year lease.
* Cats OK upon approval w/additional security deposit of $400.

Now the boys have somewhere to live, and my rent is cheaper ($582.50 w/o utlities) since I'm rooming with my friend, Steven, and I live 5 blocks away from Mitch! :D Most importantly, I'll be on my own and able to host dinner and poker parties again! :) AND I'll have my very own kitchen! YAY! This is such a great day already! :) I'm SOOOOOOOOO happy! :D

MADE

So, I was watching MTV's MADE, a show about people pursuing goals they've always had. The show takes ordinary people who want to accomplish something regardless of the natural talent or skill of that person. The show pairs up the person with a coach to help them achieve their goals and then the show tracks their progress over the allotted time span.

It got me thinking about 3 goals I want to accomplish while I still have the body and inclination to do it:

Singing - To be good at Karaoke
Snowboarding - To be able to go fast and do a few jumps; do the advanced hill without fear
Salsa Dancing - To be able to do all the special, sexy, and crazy moves that you always see in choreography, like sliding down a man's leg and being flipped.

I think I should start singing lessons AFTER I gte my braces off, and snowboarding is only good when it's in season. So, my current goal is to be a good Salsa dancer. I've already started looking for a dance school. Now I just need a Salsa partner that can commit to the class schedule and then go Salsa dancing with me! :)

Now I'm really fucking pissed...

So, I'm heated right now... I've made the decision to move out of my house and rent a 1 bedroom or studio apartment. However, since my name is legally bound to the house (to help my mom out with her bad credit, Chelle, Jenni, and myself all put our names on the house to help refinance the home) I'm still legally obligated to pay the mortgage even if I don't live there! This is fucking bullshit!

I can't believe the altruistic thing I did is now being used against me! There is no way I can pay two rents at the same time. I just don't have that kind of savings to back something like that up... And NOBODY is going to pay $700 a month to live there and not have full use of a kitchen. I can't believe my family would use my name on the title against me. And they say it's my responsibility to find a tenant to replace me.

Now, legally, I see their logic. But you have to understand that the only reason I signed those papers was definitely not for any personal gain - who wants a 1/4 of a house anyway? The reason was to help out my family: my mother, who was on financial hard times. I even ALWAYS lend my family money when they need it. Just last month, they borrowed a total of $1,700. And even while they are still paying me back, they have the nerve to throw this in my face: that finding a tenant to replace me and paying the mortgage if I don't is my responsibility, whether or not I give a 30 day notice.

I'm at a loss. Not only are my cats not allowed to run around, but I might have to give them up to a home where they can - they don't deserve the quality of life that I'm offering to them right now. But the cats are not the problem. It's the principle that my mother thinks it's okay to toy with my life by taking away what I love.

I remember the time she broke my viola bow over her knee and made me quit viola, or how about the time when she tried to give Toasty away without telling me? All my life, she's been a manipulative tyrant who forced me to do things through threatening the things that I've loved. Do you remember the time she told me she wouldn't talk to me anymore if I moved in with Jay? Then there was that time when she disowned me...

I'm tired of having my family's love be conditional. And this whole legal mortgage thing is definitely the straw that broke the camel's back. For as long as I live, I'm not letting anyone borrow any money anymore. Apparently, that gesture of supporting each other financially does not go the other way around. There's only one choice left:

I need to talk to my lawyer friends and see what I need to do to get my name off this legal document. Then, I need to move so I can seperate myself from ever being manipulated by them again. After all, for $200 more a month, I could find a place for my kitties, not have to deal with people yelling all the time and have a quiet, stress-free place to call my own.

God? Why do I always have to endure trying situations? I know you want me to be strong, but how strong do I really have to be?

Abstinence! Take Two! Action!

As of yesterday, (or I guess technically, it might have been this morning :P I'm not quite sure...) I am no longer practicing abstinence.

So now, the dates read:

First Date - Aug. 1
First Kiss - Aug. 3
First Time - Sept. 4

So, a little over a month between the first time I met SP and our first "time" together - not too shabby ;)

I do have to say that some confidence in being able to make my man cum has been restored :) Sure, I may give inept handjobs and oral from the 7th circle of hell, but as long as I can do something that will please him and get him off, then I'm happy :)

I realized something about myself last night - when I was just laying on my back or side having sex, I wasn't that into it and actually wanted him to stop. But when I became the aggressor and got on top to ride him, then I was totally turned on and everything was clear sailing from there.

I must have some fetish with being in control (of both my own body and his orgasm). That coupled with the fact that it takes an immense amount of trust (or alcohol :P) to let someone just have their way with you, means that SP and I will just have to work our way up to that. I suppose some trust building and becoming more comfortable with one another is in order :)

Boyfriend

Yup, I have one... and I guess I should write down all the details before I forget them! :P hehehe

SP texted me from Boston the night after the breakup (Monday) asking if we could talk. So, I called him. He asked me if we could talk in person that Thursday. I was stunned. I was so sure I would never hear from him again - I even told him to keep the coupon book I left at his place in order to avoid the awkward situation of seeing him again. I had already told all my friends and family what had happened and had spent the day very depressed. The idea that he wanted to meet again not only enraged me, but also confused me. After all, he was so cold and callous the night we broke up. Against my better judegment, I agreed to meeting him to talk. I spent the rest of the week sorting out what I would say to him.

Basically, I came up with an ultimatum: You've known me for almost a month; you've seen me 11 times out of 26 days - you've had more than enough information on me to make a decision on whether or not you want me to be your girlfriend. I don't kiss or have sex with my friends. So, step up to the plate - we're either together or not at all. Needing more time to decide is permissible after maybe 3 or 4 dates, but we've seen each other almost every other day for the past 3 weeks.

Fast forward to Thursday... SP and I are sitting in the park where we went stargazing. At this point, I had several days to heal from the breakup and could see myself perfectly fine without him. I had realized that I was more than he could have hoped for, versus me being inadequate for his needs.

I asked him what he called me out here for. Naturally, I was cold and distant. He told me that he had made a mistake, and after thinking it over, he did think of me as more than a friend with benefits. In fact, he wanted me to be his g/f! I was stunned (once again :P) Not only did he take all the wind out of my sails, but he also left me speechless.

Still wanting to act cold and disinterested, I asked him what he expected by coming here and telling me all of this. He said, "Two things: One, you would say yes to being my g/f, and we would continue to get to know one another - that would be the best possible outcome. And two, even though I would prefer the former, that even if you walk away from here and we never see each other again that you know that I think you're an amazing, intelligent, beautiful person." And then, his eyes got red and started to water a little, and he said, "I think that would really be a shame if you didn't know that that's what I think of you." I knew then that I had to overcome my own hurt to be there for him - with him.

The pain in his eyes knowing I could walk away mirrored my own pain. And that moment will be forever emblazoned in my mind. I will always remember us sitting on that park bench with the sun starting to set behind us and seeing his eyes. They were so full of hurt and apology and hope and sincerity. I knew I had to give us a second chance. Who knows? Maybe we could buy a new vase after all... :)