Coexistence?

I'm really enjoying being single. My time is my time and I get to do whatever I choose with it. I don't have to worry about satisfying someone else's needs. No taking care of other people when they're down and out. No having to listen to someone else blab on about their day and pretend to care, etc.

However, that means that, by being single, I don't have anyone to take care of me when I'm down and out, and there's no one there to listen to me blab on about my day and feign interest. In a way, it's a Catch 22 - a damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't situation. It's this fact alone that causes us to compromise our own lives in order to make room for another's.

If being engaged once and almost engaged twice has taught me anything, it's that selfishness gets you nowhere. There is a point in a relationship where you stop thinking of you and your partner as two seperate entities, and you truly become one organism. Your wants are his wants. Your needs are his needs - and vice versa. If you're good at it, you enter a symbiotic relationship, and if you really learn to depend on one another - to count on one another - then you end up becoming two halves of the same thing - unable to function without the support of the other.

That's the way a true relationship works (romantic or not). When you're joined by a true union, being apart or out of touch is unbearable because all you yearn for is your other half - the person who knows you, sometimes, better than you know yourself. I had that once, and I gave it up because I didn't understand that unions like that are hard to come by. Trust me, if I could do it all over again, I would - and differently!

You see, all the hype about losing yourself in a relationship and compromising yourself is not all that bad. You're sacrificing just a little part of who you are in order to gain a whole other half of you who will sustain and care for you for as long as you want them in your life. And the great thing is that, if you decide to get rid of them (or if they leave you), the parts of you that you let go to begin with will grow back.

But it's a small price to pay, this compromise, in order to coexist. After all, to coexist means to exist together. It's not a "you versus me" situation. And that's something that, being single, I have the all the time in the world to think about.

Religious Mafia?

I was talking to my Mormon friend this morning about religion. I told him about the Gospel Brunch on Sunday and one thing lead to another until we got to the topic of tithing (giving money to the church). As I understand it, Jehovah's Witnesses are asked to have the church be signed onto their businesses as partners. In exchange, the church will take care of you should you ever need their help.

Example: Joe is a Jehovah's Witness. Joe's window washing service is failing. Joe asks the church for help. The church forces all other Jenhovah's Witnesses to use Joe's window service. Joe offers his services at a reduced rate, but brings in more business. Joe is then asked to buy his window cleaning solution from another Jehovah's Witness. Joe wins. The other businesses get Joe's services at a reduced rate. And Joe's solvent supplier makes money too. The church gets signed on as a partner of Joe's business to boot.

This works the same way for Mormons, Scientologists, etc. I've always believed that religion was necessary for spiritual growth and guidance. That's why I've never been against organized religion, even though I'm Wiccan. However, I am against using religion as a coverup for a Mafia-esque proceedings. All that serves to do is further support Capitalism under the guise of a non-profit organization whose main goal is simply to futher stimulate wealth, not spiritual salvation.

I have no doubt that many religious institutions do worship faithfully to their texts and that people become more well rounded and human because of it. However, if that's the point, then why tithe? To support the churches and their rent? If your faith were really sincere, you would gather like pagans have done for thousands of years - in forests, glades, and woods.

My point is that God should love you no matter how much money you make, and that you should never be excluded from worship just because you are not willing to give your church money. All organized religion really teaches you is that when disaster strikes, a community is there to pick you back up, not some omniscient being. If that's true, what exactly are you worshipping at the end of the day? "God"? Or a social 'security blanket'?

Farewell

It seems that everything has its set place and time, and the future must always, ever vigilantly, march forth.

"Turtwig, you my only friend..."

Everything has its consequences, and the consequences of having friends is drama and spending money like it's water. I'm not sure it really outweighs the benefits.

I've decided to save one day a week for myself. So, I'm going to stop teaching on Sundays.

I had my wisdom teeth out last week and they still hurt. I think some food particle got trapped in the socket and got all baterialized :P I hope it's not infected :(

I ordered a pink Nintendo DS w/ Pokemon Pearl AND a Turtwig plush from Ebay. He's actually sitting in my lap as I type to you and slack off from my job.

I'm thinking of redesigning my website www.sdimonline.com It needs to be revamped.

Boys are the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just going to do that whole - "it happens when you're not looking for it" thing :P

In the meantime, Turtwig will keep me company :)

Cosmetic Surgery for the Soul

It seems so easy. Want bigger boobs? Get a boob job! Want straighter teeth? Get braces! Want to become a better person? Go on a spiritual retreat?

...

I guess superficiality is the easy way out. The terms are easy: you pay X amount of money, you set your appointment, we layer on the fakeness, voila, you are a different you! Even more superficial, even less yourself. It seems that our society is obsessed with the quick fix (myself included) - after all, short term investements are the "in" thing, right? Right?

With divorce rates and fluctuations in the stock market being any indicator as to how our society conceptualizes worth and investment, it's safe to say that blue chips are down and so are bicentennial anniversaries. It's all about insider trading and the flavor of the month. People want what they want when they want it, and who's to argue?

But what the opposition doesn't know is that this lifestyle (and it is a style of life) is frighteningly addictive. It becomes a game that pits fads against fads and fuels people to always be on the search for something newer, prettier, shinier, and with more features. Where does the proverbial 1989 Volvo 740GL fit into all of this? :P

With seemingly better options appearing constantly, it's hard to see what is worth investing in and what is not. And with people so fickle about what they are looking for in others, it almost becomes a game as to what aspects of yourself that you see as most important to invest in. Bigger boobs? Or a bigger heart?

It's just hard to really tell these days...

Ouchy

I have a sinus headache! It feels like my brain is loose and flopping about in my head :( Even the Tylenol Sinus and Congestion medicine isn't working that well :( I'm also tired and sick.

I came to one realization today - I can't be a lowly accountant forever. I was told today not to get in the way of company policies, even though I had found something compelling and accurate which went against it. Not to be able to have the freedom to make choices is a total turnoff for me. I need to be able to live and create while I work. So, this job is ultimately just a means to an end. Namely, braces, jaw surgery, paying off my student loans, a nose job, Lasik, and saving up 8 months worth of expenses. In the end, owning a music school is where my heart really needs to be at. It has it all - business savvy, creativity, pedagogy, passion, and legacy.

Ahhh... my head is already starting to feel better. :)

Highlights for Children

1) I got my glasses adjusted so they sit better on my face, but now it's pinching my head and is giving me a headache, forcing me to go back tomorrow to have them readjusted. Gah!

2) I broke up with Bryan this morning at 2:32AM in a text message saying - "I'm sorry. This just isn't working. I don't think you're ready to have me in your life right now." In all fairness, he failed to call me after work, yet again.

3) I won this: YAY!

4) My favorite shirt broke while going to the bathroom (No, not what you think :P)

5) I may be able to do the jaw surgery with my original surgeon and health insurance after all! We shall see...

6) I started working out again yesterday. I regained all of the weight, except 2 lbs. I'm currently 141 lbs.

7) The sound a kitty cat makes when it wants to cuddle up, make muffins, and sleep in your lap is "wrannh" :D

Chris is Right

Mediocrity is not my style, not matter how I try to twist and turn it around. All this time, I thought it was me who was subpar, trying to blend into everyone else. But the fact remains is that I do stand out (and for good reason!) Not every 23 y/o girl can claim the major successes I've had as a musician, writer, teacher, and human being. I've endured things people couldn't even fathom, AND come out on top. How many people could be put through the wringer of life and still be able to say they earn $50K a year and have talent and intelligence to burn.

Chris is right. I've got to wake the fuck up! Birds of a feather flock together, and medicrity clashes with my wardrobe. It's no wonder I don't have patience for people who don't rise to the occasion. I never let myself be anything less than my best in the past, and I shouldn't start now. And as for the people I keep in my life, I can't sit around and wait for people to become more than what was hoped for. It's not my job to search for the ugly ducklings and then nurture them - because no one did that for me. I became strong of my own acord - not from someone who spoon fed me who I should be.

And I realize now that I can't do that with Bryan - he is who he is. And after my talk with him the other day about me needing to hear from my boyfriend every night to hear how his days was and connect, and him promising to change - that he'll "show me"... the very next night, there's not even a call or text message showing that he even thought of me after he got off work. It's apparent now that he's not ready to be a boyfriend, nor is he ready to have a girlfriend.

He told me that I have to "enjoy the moment more", which is pretty much the same as "whatever happens, happens" I HATE that phrase! No one succeeds by letting life pass them by and not seizing opportunity. And it's exactly that kind of mentality that I'm voluntarily surrounding myself with that needs to be purged. It's not my mentality, and it never will be. I'm a hard worker, I'm smart, I find what I want, and I get the job done. I'm not a fuck buddy - I'm marriage material. Life didn't give me lemons - because I'm drinking lemonade. I hold the hands of my students - not my boyfriends. And most of all, I don't exist to fade into a sea of faces that nobody will remember - I exist in this world to change it, and I will be remembered for it.