What Would Other People Think?

That's the question so many of us ask ourselves, whether it's choosing the right person to date or deciding between brand-name mac and cheese or the generic kind. In each situation, although we'd like to deny it, a large part of our decisions are guided by what we have heard from others (Kraft is the only way to go!) and how others see us after we have made such a decision (He is so much shorter than she is!). Other's views of our own lives can sometimes be so severe and upsetting that we will even choose what makes others happy versus what we instinctually want (arranged marriages, career paths, and even what we want to eat).

There's no doubt that the pressure is on all of us to make the "right" decisions - to please those around us while trying to please ourselves. This type of behavior is often disguised as consideration, maybe even regard for others. But at what point do you start to live out others' ideas of what your life should be and stop living life the way you think it should be?

Behind this mentality sits a bevy of approval seeking behaviors. You may pick Kraft over generic mac and cheese because you don't want your friends to think you're cheap. You might stop dating the short guy because you are afraid how others will look at you as you walk down the street together. Each of these situations has nothing to do with how you feel, but rather how others will feel based on your decisions. In turn, you are deriving your happiness from the happiness of others.

How do you stop? It's so ingrained into our behavior to seek the approval of others (your boss, parents, friends, lover, even strangers) that we may not know where to begin. That's something I've been struggling with all my life, and more importantly, very recently. How do you not care what other people think of you? How do you ignore the social premise that we have to stifle ourselves in order to be considered a normal part of society?

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we shouldn't care what others think and focus more on what we think about ourselves. Would the world end if people thought you were cheap when you are just trying to save money? Would stares of derision from dating the short guy really have any correlation to how happy he makes you feel? What I have realized is that, no, it wouldn't. All of these things we're afraid of others thinking are just thoughts we play with in our heads. None of it is 100% true, and even if it were, we can go on living life without that thought. Because that's all it is - a thought.

That's why I've been trying to be more of myself these days. I know that if a guy doesn't respect my decision to be abstinent, that it is not the end of the world. I know that if he learns about my past and decides that I'm not someone he wants to be associated with, then that's fine too. At the end of the day, I go to sleep with myself, and I feel much better knowing that I'm speaking my mind and making decisions based on who and want I want myself to be, rather than tailoring my life to how others want me to act and behave. At the end of the day, I'm left with people in my life who accept me for who I truly am, not some tapestry of smoke, mirrors, and lies. At the end of the day, all I could have really offered the world was myself.