Quyenchilla's Night Out :P

Last night, I was supposed to be Miss Responsible and go to my orchestra rehearsal after teaching lessons, but then my friends called me and wanted me to come out. I said no, that I had to teach and then go to rehearsal, to which they replied "Come on Grandma! Take your Centrum Silver, put your dentures in, and come on out!" LOL I'm glad I have friends to remind me that I'm still young :P

Thinking it would be another warm night in SD, I threw on a miniskirt, a tank, and some heels and met them downtown.

...


I was so cold. LOL

First, we went to a salon exhibition where one of my friends was modeling an edgey new cut. It was really interesting to see the hairstylists talking about hair the way painters talk about art or musicians talk about chord progressions. I mean, these people were talking about where the eye is drawn to, texture, gradations of color, and using phrases like "laser cut", and "clean lines". It just goes to show that there's art everywhere you look :)

After the exhibition was over, we hit a dive bar for our first 2 rounds, then Lei Lounge in Northpark for appetizers and a pitcher of sangria. The night was just about over when someone pulled a coupon out for a free hour at their friend's Karaoke bar! All the people too shy to sing, left, and we were left with 4 in this very plush room - 4 mics, seating for 12, a personal service button we could push to summon our waitress, and even, get this, tambourines! Yay! (FYI, I worked those tambourines! LOL) We ordered a pitcher of this amazing yogurt-flavored Soju (Korean alcohol) and sang until our throats were sore! haha :P

I ended up getting home at 1:30AM on a "school night" :P and I'm so tired this morning, but it was totally worth it :) I did learn a couple things though - never let your gay guy friend do your makeup when you're both drunk, and don't wear a miniskirt when you're past the age of 21 :P

More Thinking...

Yesterday, I went to La Jolla to visit the Museum of Contemporary Art. The featured artist was Vik Muniz, a photographer who takes different mediums (such as sugar, chocolate, wire, thread, and diamonds) and uses them to recreate other works of art such as the Mona Lisa and Peranesi's 'Carceri'. Muniz took delight in giving viewers a different way to experience traditional art as well as exposing the flaws in our visual reality. All in all, Muniz showed me that whether or not the Mona Lisa is drawn in oil paints or peanut butter and jelly, we can still experience it as art - one is not above the other in any way. It is merely a different way to experience art.

I took these thoughts as I went to the La Jolla Shores and sat on a grassy knoll and looked out at the ocean. There were two guys in their early 20's standing on the rocks looking down and pointing at fish. Immediately, I thought that whatever conversation they were having about fish in the ocean was stupid. "Of course there are going to be fish in the ocean. Duh!" Then I thought back to the exhibit - "it is merely a different way to experience art". Just because I might not have that conversation does not mean that it is any less of a conversation. Who is to say that I am better or smarter than them? Who is to say I am living a fuller life because I am sitting here thinking deep thoughts and they are pointing at fish? In actuality, both of our lives are equally valid. But why? Doesn't intelligence, success, and ambition count for anything?

I had an epiphany. Our lives were different, but just because one is made using "oil paints" and the other is created using "peanut butter and jelly" does not make one more profound or better than the other. In the end, we are creating our own works of living art. Our experiences dictate the medium for our art, but whether I spend my life eating fast food and playing video games or I climb mountains and seek Buddhist Enlightenment does not make one life any more valid than the other. They are simply another way to live life - another way to create our living work of art.

So if each of us is a living work of art, and we don't necessarily have to achieve anything comparatively significant in life, then why do we exist? Specifically, why does the fast food eating gamer exist, I wonder? I sat their alone on that grassy knoll thinking and thinking. I watched a family play in the surf, and for the first time, appreciated each of their living works of art as they experienced the love of family and the ocean waves. I looked back at the two boys pointing at fish and appreciated their fascination at whatever was swimming down below and how they were sharing the experience. And then it hit me. I was sitting here, thinking all of these deep thoughts, and if the world ended right now, or if I decided to jump off the cliff shores and kill myself, no one in the entire world would have ever known what I was thinking. My thoughts, my living work of art, did not exist outside of myself. Therefore, they did not exist in reality.

In order to have my living work of art exist, I would need to share it. And then it all came together so clearly. Why do we exist? To share our living works of others. Why do we share our living works of art with others? To exist. It was so simple - so cyclical. And everything else in life made so much sense: why we yearn for human contact, why we create art, why we work to fulfill our lives (because our efforts, in turn, share our living works of art with others), and why we are able to generate abstract thoughts (such as philosophy) even though they have no applicable use as a survival mechanism in nature.

We exist to share our living art with others. And when you don't, you cease to exist. Think of the hermit living in the caves. If you've never seen him, heard him, tasted, smelled, or touched him - does he exist? I don't think he does, and the only way he can is to share his living work of art with you. Without that, he is just a thought in your mind, something generated entirely by you - a thought which you can choose to believe or not to believe, but which has no actual grounding in reality.

For the first time, I feel free. I live not feeling inadequate of the things I am not doing right now, and I don't feel superior to others because of the things I have done. I am creating my own living work of art - forged by my experiences and my efforts and a little bit of chance. All I want to do now is share this living work of art with others, and to experience other living works of art - to gain perspective and give it back.

Is this all there is?

That's the question that I asked myself this morning in the shower while slowly washing my hair. It's also the question I'm pondering as I sit here on the 5th floor of the San Diego office of one of the most influential corporations in the world. I look around my cubicle and I see the familiar trappings of comfort - Celine Dion, Bulbasaur, a 'Wicked' ticket stub, a poster illustrating all 490 Pokemon, a Bday card from Daniel, a picture of me with my old string quartet, even my favorite hand cream. I've worked so hard to make my cubicle feel like "home" - so I could feel comfortable and at peace while I whittled away at my 40-hour workweek.

But the truth is that I resent this place. It's not even that I don't like working here, because it's quite possibly the best working environment I could have hoped for - my boss never micromanages, my coworkers are quirky and interesting, we have a gym and a cafe on the first floor just for us, and I get an amazing wage based on the type of work that I do. It's so comfortable. I'm so content. I'm very satisfied.

Then again, "satisfactory" meant a letter grade of "C" in elementary school. What does that mean? Well, life is average. It's not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not above average either. I could live and die in this same situtation, climbing the corporate ladder, slowly acquiring higher education and resulting higher salaries, until one day, I'm 45 y/o, sitting at my desk looking at all the familiar trappings of comfort wondering, "Is this all there is?"

Is it? If not, what other options do we have? Stop working and go travel the world until our savings run out, only to return to a similar job, looking at the familiar things that make it seem like home, and asking ourselves the same questions? Is happiness found in doing what you love? I once thought I loved playing viola. You couldn't find anyone around who was as in awe of it or enjoyed it as much as I did. Then I took it on as a job, and little by little, I realized that this was also a job, just like any other, and I asked myself the same question, "Is this all there is?"

I tried leaving LA to start fresh, both professionally and personally. And although I'm blessed to have what I have now, I still find myself in the same moral dilemma. Is there more to life than working, making money, and enjoying the company of friends and loved ones? Sometimes, I think maybe there isn't. Maybe life is not supposed to be more than a great meal, or making love to someone whom you trust and care for, or having amazing epiphanies about life and answering your own questions. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish to ask "Is this all there is?" when I already have access to food, water, and sleep - the basic necessities of life.

At the end of the day, we are still animals, and our hunt for these basic needs to sustain life are over when we find them - until the next day when we have to search for them again. But for those who have already met the prerequisites, we wonder what more is out there for us to get involved in. What is out there in the world waiting to happen to us if we can find it, or experience it, or realize it?

I know that many of us extend our basic needs of food water and sleep to material objects. When will I be able to get the next DVD to complete my collection? When will I find my next boyfriend? When will I be able to purchase a new car? All of these are constructed by who we are, by our thoughts of what we may or may not need. And if those things improved our quality of life, then we wouldn't be on the hunt for the next DVD, the next relationship, the next car.

No, the meaning of life - the reason why we all exist in this universe - has to be something that we don't experience, but rather, something that experiences us. Is life about getting on stage and creating art unlike the world has ever seen or heard? Or is life about the circumstances and experiences that lead up to and help facilitate the same art? Did I just write this blog? Or did this blog just happen to have the experience of being written through me?

Are human beings the catalyst for events? Or are events the catalyst for human beings?

What Would Other People Think?

That's the question so many of us ask ourselves, whether it's choosing the right person to date or deciding between brand-name mac and cheese or the generic kind. In each situation, although we'd like to deny it, a large part of our decisions are guided by what we have heard from others (Kraft is the only way to go!) and how others see us after we have made such a decision (He is so much shorter than she is!). Other's views of our own lives can sometimes be so severe and upsetting that we will even choose what makes others happy versus what we instinctually want (arranged marriages, career paths, and even what we want to eat).

There's no doubt that the pressure is on all of us to make the "right" decisions - to please those around us while trying to please ourselves. This type of behavior is often disguised as consideration, maybe even regard for others. But at what point do you start to live out others' ideas of what your life should be and stop living life the way you think it should be?

Behind this mentality sits a bevy of approval seeking behaviors. You may pick Kraft over generic mac and cheese because you don't want your friends to think you're cheap. You might stop dating the short guy because you are afraid how others will look at you as you walk down the street together. Each of these situations has nothing to do with how you feel, but rather how others will feel based on your decisions. In turn, you are deriving your happiness from the happiness of others.

How do you stop? It's so ingrained into our behavior to seek the approval of others (your boss, parents, friends, lover, even strangers) that we may not know where to begin. That's something I've been struggling with all my life, and more importantly, very recently. How do you not care what other people think of you? How do you ignore the social premise that we have to stifle ourselves in order to be considered a normal part of society?

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we shouldn't care what others think and focus more on what we think about ourselves. Would the world end if people thought you were cheap when you are just trying to save money? Would stares of derision from dating the short guy really have any correlation to how happy he makes you feel? What I have realized is that, no, it wouldn't. All of these things we're afraid of others thinking are just thoughts we play with in our heads. None of it is 100% true, and even if it were, we can go on living life without that thought. Because that's all it is - a thought.

That's why I've been trying to be more of myself these days. I know that if a guy doesn't respect my decision to be abstinent, that it is not the end of the world. I know that if he learns about my past and decides that I'm not someone he wants to be associated with, then that's fine too. At the end of the day, I go to sleep with myself, and I feel much better knowing that I'm speaking my mind and making decisions based on who and want I want myself to be, rather than tailoring my life to how others want me to act and behave. At the end of the day, I'm left with people in my life who accept me for who I truly am, not some tapestry of smoke, mirrors, and lies. At the end of the day, all I could have really offered the world was myself.

Trevor's Lecture

[12:45] tessenjutsu: I have worked very hard in life and have been dealt unfair hands all my life... but I've survived and excelled at whatever I put my mind to.... I'm sure some people (don't think I'm a good person)
[12:45] tessenjutsu: but at the end of the day
[12:46] tessenjutsu: people's actions speak louder than any biases we can hold
[12:46] tessenjutsu: I am a good teacher, and whether I'm a (bad woman) or not does not affect the quality of students I produce
[12:46] tessenjutsu: Trevor,
[12:46] tessenjutsu: (everything) aside....
[12:47] tessenjutsu: be concerned with how people view your actions rather than what prejudices they hold for or against you
[12:47] tessenjutsu: at the end of the day, you'll be able to defend your decisions, but you may not be able to quantify your life by what people think of you
[12:51] tessenjutsu: people who are your friends one day can be your enemy the next, but the one thing people can't deny are the cold hard facts. If you're good in business, people will see you for that and respect you, regardless of anything else
[12:53] tessenjutsu: if you live like this, nobody can take anything away from you
[12:53] tessenjutsu: you will know who you are and what you offer the world
[12:53] tessenjutsu: and it won't be dependent on illusions or hearsay

Epiphany

I will always stand by the fact that Chris 1.0 (first in a series of 4 - all of whom played the trumpet) is absolutely brilliant. He's much like Dan Fritz, my long-time friend, in that he acts like a mirror. So often our words and thoughts spill out, without pause or consideration, and those two men act as the echo of the canyon. They say back to me exactly what I said, exposing every little thing.

I've been growing a lot inside, and although abstinence wasn't the direct cause of that, it acted as the catalyst. I thought about what Chris wrote before I even read it. I thought of Trevor and asked myself if he were 50 y/o and ugly, would I still be considering his offers? No, I would not. I wouldn't let him talk to me that way or even consider it. But there is a part of me that has trouble seeing through it because, on the surface, Trevor is what satisfies my list.

And I think that's the trouble. "Satisfaction" is the basis of my list. Each of my ex's has given me a quality that has "satisfied" me. Chris 1.0's intelligence, Chris 2.0's sexual nature, Steve's "come what may" attitude that makes me, in turn, less severe, Jay's financially supportive nature, Bryan's old world manners and etiquette, and the list goes on and on. But one thought lingers in my mind: if I need so much to satisfy me, to satiate me, then I am a void that needs endlessly.

Chris is right, none of the above qualities makes a person "good". And although it's easy to sit here and be tricked into the lull of how those qualities do play out in a relationship, because they do have their advantages, don't get me wrong, they don't make a person worthwhile. I must then ask myself, why did all of my relationships break down over time? Well, I didn't trust half of them, and the other half I didn't respect.

And that's what I realized last night about Trevor. He has the looks and sex appeal of Chris 2.0, a good chunk of Chris 1.0's intelligence, the attitude of Steve, the financial capabilities of Jay, and the etiquette of Bryan - seemingly the perfect man, someone who could add even more qualities to "the list" just by being himself. But I don't want him in my life. Why? Because I don't trust him. I don't respect him. In my heart of hearts, I don't believe he's a good person. He's just another automaton created to be a woman's perfect man, by developing admirable qualities within himself.

And then I think of myself. What am I doing? All of the things that I possess - intelligence, wit, charm, beauty, poise, confidence, class, sex appeal, groundedness, and inner strength. All of that does not make me a good person - someone a man can trust and respect. They are simply "super powers" that I possess. However, that doesn't mean I'm fighting as a hero. In fact, I'm the most deadly super villain men have ever faced - able to break hearts and spirits into two. So, as the cliche goes, with great power comes great responsibility. How does a villain change sides to do good for humanity?

How does it go in the comics?

Maybe the villain fails and falls and realizes that those she once called allies have abandoned her in favor of someone with stronger or more useful super powers. She realizes that her mindset, of having power and gaining more, while destroying those who have lost their usefulness, was wrong all along. She stops right then and there, and vows to use her powers to preserve and conserve her renewed values. She then does battle with her old allies, trying to bring them over to her cause, to save lost souls, or simply to disarm them so they will not wreak havoc on her or other's lives in the future...

Am I Lying Even Unto Myself?

I'm feeling sad and powerless. What if there's no point to practicing abstinence? What if I should just fuck whomever? Sometimes, I don't think I'll ever ever fall in love with someone. It just makes me want to cry. I don't like faking my emotions. I fake everything else in life.

I'm tired of trying to be a good person. I'm not sure it's in me. All I ever feel like is that I'm spinning my wheels, depriving myself from what my body wants, and seeing more and more people for the empty, superficial beings they are. It's like holding a hollow baby chick in your hands and then squeezing it too hard to the point where it collapses in on itself and it turns to dust. It was so beautiful at face value, but as soon as you go deeper, you realize that it's an illusion - nothing is there.

I was proud of myself last night when I turned down a guy who wanted to sleep with me. He was gorgeous - completely out of my league. And he slung every line in the book at me. and a part of me wanted to believe it, except that I've heard every line in the book already. It's just a web of lies. I'm lying to him by refusing him, he's lying to me by throwing himself on me, I'm lying to myself by saying that what I'm doing is the best possible thing for me. I'm not even sure what's true anymore except for the dull pain in my heart.

I'm lying. I'm lying everyday. So much that I'm not sure there is any truth in my life anymore. What is there left to do? Wade through which lies are insignifcant and which are oh so unbearable to live? It's not even the selfish pain like I used to know before of not having love for myself. But the more I open my eyes to reality, the less I see other's relationships working. The more I see that loyalty, commitment, selflessness are all fairy tales - fragments of hopes and dreams of the children within all of us. But eventually, we learn that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy don't exist. Yes, we were raised on lies. Now, we just choose which ones seem most appropriate to believe.

Sigh

This has been one of the happiest nights I've had all year. Thank you to all who love me enough to make my life special and to whom I also love and cherish; you make my life worth living.

The Jig Is Up!

Yes, it is. :P