"If love were a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?"
- Tuptim, from 'Anna and the King'
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
All I Want for Christmas...
So, Mitch and I broke up (yet again...) on the morning of the 21st. Yes, we are still having ex-sex which is the same as it always was during our relationship - fun and hot. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that we'll never make love because we don't actually truly love each other - we just have some serious "like" going on.
I cried a lot. I don't even remember the last time I cried. Chris 2.0 maybe? I'm not even sure that was a full out cry either. I cried because all my dreams for the future were dashed away. I cried because all my hard work was for naught. I cried because I actually felt something for once in a very long time, and was in reverance of my own humanity.
However, I've dealt with it and had a little time to think about it, and I've decided that I'm not willing to use the same recipe with disastrous results over again. I'm not confident that he can change or even wants to. I'm not confident that I want to change for someone that has so little regard for my welfare and my feelings. In the end, I'm so over being the one who initiates things like discussions and hanging out. If he wants to do those things then he can be a man and initiate them himself. Interestingly, I'm quite satisfied either way.
Well, that's a half-truth. I'll be satisfied with him if he does take responsibility for his actions. And if he doesn't, I'll feel bad for myself that I made yet another bad decision when it comes to l'amour. Either way, I'll be fine with me, myself, and I. I think I always have been. I have a great sense of self. I think my problem is trying to take on the responsibilites of others, which is something I'm not actually responsible for.
I was sitting awake last night wondering if I have any obligation to Mitch to not take advantage of being single while we are broken up. I mean, do I really think he's going to step up to the plate? Meanwhile, I'll be missing my own opportunities. And that's not to say that he won't be pursuing his own. I guess Ollie is right after all, you don't owe anything to anyone. I really hate that idea, but I guess it's true. The idea that you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself in order to make others happy makes logical sense.
Christmas is over - the holidays are done. It's time to start 2008 with a fresh twist.
Note to self: "Fluff" is not the fuel for the relationship "car". It's communication. OTherwise, the relationship would stall if their wasn't an ongoing supply of fluff. I'm pretty certain that the fluff is the radio that gets staticky on long road trips when you go through remote places. Sometimes, it's fun and you can rock out to it, and other times you just sit and get bored out of your mind from the tedium.
I cried a lot. I don't even remember the last time I cried. Chris 2.0 maybe? I'm not even sure that was a full out cry either. I cried because all my dreams for the future were dashed away. I cried because all my hard work was for naught. I cried because I actually felt something for once in a very long time, and was in reverance of my own humanity.
However, I've dealt with it and had a little time to think about it, and I've decided that I'm not willing to use the same recipe with disastrous results over again. I'm not confident that he can change or even wants to. I'm not confident that I want to change for someone that has so little regard for my welfare and my feelings. In the end, I'm so over being the one who initiates things like discussions and hanging out. If he wants to do those things then he can be a man and initiate them himself. Interestingly, I'm quite satisfied either way.
Well, that's a half-truth. I'll be satisfied with him if he does take responsibility for his actions. And if he doesn't, I'll feel bad for myself that I made yet another bad decision when it comes to l'amour. Either way, I'll be fine with me, myself, and I. I think I always have been. I have a great sense of self. I think my problem is trying to take on the responsibilites of others, which is something I'm not actually responsible for.
I was sitting awake last night wondering if I have any obligation to Mitch to not take advantage of being single while we are broken up. I mean, do I really think he's going to step up to the plate? Meanwhile, I'll be missing my own opportunities. And that's not to say that he won't be pursuing his own. I guess Ollie is right after all, you don't owe anything to anyone. I really hate that idea, but I guess it's true. The idea that you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself in order to make others happy makes logical sense.
Christmas is over - the holidays are done. It's time to start 2008 with a fresh twist.
Note to self: "Fluff" is not the fuel for the relationship "car". It's communication. OTherwise, the relationship would stall if their wasn't an ongoing supply of fluff. I'm pretty certain that the fluff is the radio that gets staticky on long road trips when you go through remote places. Sometimes, it's fun and you can rock out to it, and other times you just sit and get bored out of your mind from the tedium.
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