So, I was so proud of myself yesterday for completing all of my work that I opened my big, fat mouth and told my boss I was done with my work. For the next 10 minutes, everyone in my deparmtnet came by my desk saying, "Wow! You finished 3 months of work in 5 weeks? That's unheard of!" Within 30 minutes they gave me 3 new weekly responsibilites that total about 10 more hours a week of work :P The justification? "Oh Quyen doesn't do anything and has lots of free time. So, have her help you with YOUR job" :P Oh well. Like I said yesterday - at least I have job security.
So, I've been trying to work out and eat better. I cheated today though - both on the guy I'm seeing and my diet. And I did it all at the same time. Blah :( I went on a lunch date with a lunch date kiss at the end, complete with a fatty mocha frappaccino and a sandwich/salad combo from Pat N Oscars. At least I didn't put dressing on the salad :P But I do feel bad about kissing that other boy. But on the other hand, I don't know what's going to happen with this new guy. I'd like to say we're dating - but we're not. And I'd like to say we're monogamous - but we're not (at least he tells me he's not seeing anyone else). In any case, I can't put all my eggs in this basket. I do like him a lot. I'll admit that. But I've also liked a lot of other boys before too. And if experience has taught me anything, it's that liking someone doesn't equal "happily ever after". I have to be a little more realistic about this. But for the time being, no more cheating. On my diet AND my boytoy ;)
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I'm SO Productive!
The Corporate Blogger strikes again! I finished all of tomorrow's work - today! Which means I'll get paid $136 tomorrow to play online, chat with coworkers, and decorate my cube :) Well, not really. I'll probably be stuck doing admin stuff. And that's okay with me. I have great job security and am getting used to my responsibilites as an accountant. In a few months, I'll be out of the red, and then I can start saving money. I paid off the piano and my IRS debt for 2006. So, all I have left is $1200 on my Sleep Number bed and then my student loans and a late fee from the IRS for 2005. Making $47K a year between two jobs, I'm on the road to financial wellness and prosperity.
I'm sleeping with a guy who I like well enough, but we both have an understanding that things won't last (which is fine with me since he's not exactly my "type") But I do enjoy my time with him and we have a few common interests besides sex that keep us coming back for more :) He calls me every night and we talk for over an hour usually, and we see each other for dinner and sex once a week - the perfect corporate relationship! It works out well because I feel emotionally satiated, physically satiated, and I don't have to take time out of my busy schedule to be a full-time girlfriend. That's not to say I wouldn't be monogamous with him if he asked me to ;)
I already have the gift I'm getting for our one month anniversary picked out. It's so adorable - I can see it on his desk at work now ;) He wants me to go skydiving with him this summer. I'm completely afraid of heights, but there's something about him that brings out a "challenge yourself" attitutde in me. I like that. Because of his background as a bodybuilder and personal trainer (yes, he's hot :P) he's inspired me to go back to the gym and reclaim my former glory - or was it Atkins'? I refuse to remember or divulge ;) Anyway, speaking of which, it's time to hit the gym. Ta!
I'm sleeping with a guy who I like well enough, but we both have an understanding that things won't last (which is fine with me since he's not exactly my "type") But I do enjoy my time with him and we have a few common interests besides sex that keep us coming back for more :) He calls me every night and we talk for over an hour usually, and we see each other for dinner and sex once a week - the perfect corporate relationship! It works out well because I feel emotionally satiated, physically satiated, and I don't have to take time out of my busy schedule to be a full-time girlfriend. That's not to say I wouldn't be monogamous with him if he asked me to ;)
I already have the gift I'm getting for our one month anniversary picked out. It's so adorable - I can see it on his desk at work now ;) He wants me to go skydiving with him this summer. I'm completely afraid of heights, but there's something about him that brings out a "challenge yourself" attitutde in me. I like that. Because of his background as a bodybuilder and personal trainer (yes, he's hot :P) he's inspired me to go back to the gym and reclaim my former glory - or was it Atkins'? I refuse to remember or divulge ;) Anyway, speaking of which, it's time to hit the gym. Ta!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Different Strokes
Okay, a serious blog...
There's something wrong with me, or so my friends tell me. I just can't stand the idea of not having someone special in my life to call my own. They tell me I am not comfortable with myself. They tell me that in order to love someone else that I have to love myself. They tell me that I'm looking for a man to fix what is wrong with my life. They tell me these things and it hurts. Not because it's true and truth hurts, but because they don't know what goes on in my head.
Ever since I was young, I was always alone. My parents worked 10 hours a day, 7 days a week and I was always stuck at home in an empty house. But being alone was preferrable to when they came home because that's when all hell broke loose. I grew up in a very abusive environment. My father was physically and mentally abusive, but I'm pretty sure my mom helped with at least some emotional scarring - although to credit her, she did protect me from the physical beatdowns from my dad when she was able to stop it. All in all, I didn't receive a lot of love growing up, and the two people I should have trusted most with my life, I trusted hardly at all.
Since I wasn't receiving the emotional nourishment I needed from my parents, I started to confide in my friends, and in that sense, my friends became my surrogate family. They acted as the catalyst for my emotional support system and served as an outlet for all the love I had to give. But eventually, even that would give way to that fateful day on the first day of my senior year of high school when all of that suddenly changed.
I started to not be able to share all that was going on in my life. My friends simply couldn't relate (and for good reason) I started to feel ostracized - different, and I felt like no one could possibly understand me. And so I hid from that uncomfortable feeling, and pretended nothing was wrong, even to the point that I was lying everyday to the people who I seemed closest to.
The only people I could really be myself with were my boyfriends. No matter what, I always felt like I could let my hair down and be real and connect with them. That's why sometimes, I pick bad men. It's not that I don't know they are not ideal for me. It's just that I can find real solace in our connection when we're together - even if sometimes, it is purely sexual. The safety, security, and warmth I feel when I'm with someone I can be emotionally open with is absolutely priceless to me. It seems to be my only outlet of that caliber besides blogging - and even here, I feel as if I'm always acting.
So, I guess that is why I can't be alone. That is why I am always looking for someone to be in my life and take that role as my confidante, my best friend. That is why I find it so hard to let go of those people who have assumed that role in my life, even if their presence in my life is somewhat fatalistic to my endeavors. Because those select few are the only ones I have trusted with my emotions, my safety, my heart, and my well-being. And when one of them has fallen short, I try not to lose hope of his rehabilitation or of finding someone else to fill his shoes, because losing hope would mean alienating myself from the world and slowly, ever so slowly, falling deeper and deeper into a depression I might not have the ability to get out of by myself.
So you see, what they say about me is wrong. They see how I act and make their judgments on how they see reason and logic, but I'm just playing with a whole new deck of cards. Maybe no one will ever understand me - not at the core. But I can always hope. And even though, with my talents, intelligence, success, and perseverance, I can stand quite well on my own two feet, doing so without a companion to share in those things makes life shallow and pointless. Without someone you can really "come home to", life is just a 24/7 grind of superficiality, money, and sex - I'm determined to rise above it.
There's something wrong with me, or so my friends tell me. I just can't stand the idea of not having someone special in my life to call my own. They tell me I am not comfortable with myself. They tell me that in order to love someone else that I have to love myself. They tell me that I'm looking for a man to fix what is wrong with my life. They tell me these things and it hurts. Not because it's true and truth hurts, but because they don't know what goes on in my head.
Ever since I was young, I was always alone. My parents worked 10 hours a day, 7 days a week and I was always stuck at home in an empty house. But being alone was preferrable to when they came home because that's when all hell broke loose. I grew up in a very abusive environment. My father was physically and mentally abusive, but I'm pretty sure my mom helped with at least some emotional scarring - although to credit her, she did protect me from the physical beatdowns from my dad when she was able to stop it. All in all, I didn't receive a lot of love growing up, and the two people I should have trusted most with my life, I trusted hardly at all.
Since I wasn't receiving the emotional nourishment I needed from my parents, I started to confide in my friends, and in that sense, my friends became my surrogate family. They acted as the catalyst for my emotional support system and served as an outlet for all the love I had to give. But eventually, even that would give way to that fateful day on the first day of my senior year of high school when all of that suddenly changed.
I started to not be able to share all that was going on in my life. My friends simply couldn't relate (and for good reason) I started to feel ostracized - different, and I felt like no one could possibly understand me. And so I hid from that uncomfortable feeling, and pretended nothing was wrong, even to the point that I was lying everyday to the people who I seemed closest to.
The only people I could really be myself with were my boyfriends. No matter what, I always felt like I could let my hair down and be real and connect with them. That's why sometimes, I pick bad men. It's not that I don't know they are not ideal for me. It's just that I can find real solace in our connection when we're together - even if sometimes, it is purely sexual. The safety, security, and warmth I feel when I'm with someone I can be emotionally open with is absolutely priceless to me. It seems to be my only outlet of that caliber besides blogging - and even here, I feel as if I'm always acting.
So, I guess that is why I can't be alone. That is why I am always looking for someone to be in my life and take that role as my confidante, my best friend. That is why I find it so hard to let go of those people who have assumed that role in my life, even if their presence in my life is somewhat fatalistic to my endeavors. Because those select few are the only ones I have trusted with my emotions, my safety, my heart, and my well-being. And when one of them has fallen short, I try not to lose hope of his rehabilitation or of finding someone else to fill his shoes, because losing hope would mean alienating myself from the world and slowly, ever so slowly, falling deeper and deeper into a depression I might not have the ability to get out of by myself.
So you see, what they say about me is wrong. They see how I act and make their judgments on how they see reason and logic, but I'm just playing with a whole new deck of cards. Maybe no one will ever understand me - not at the core. But I can always hope. And even though, with my talents, intelligence, success, and perseverance, I can stand quite well on my own two feet, doing so without a companion to share in those things makes life shallow and pointless. Without someone you can really "come home to", life is just a 24/7 grind of superficiality, money, and sex - I'm determined to rise above it.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Karma's a Bitch!
So, I went on my "date" with Bryan, my ex who left me for his first love, on Friday night. I wore my A&F "destructed" jeans with a black Guess T-shirt with a lace-up V neck. I was going for the "I'm not going to dress up for you so you don't think I care about looking good for you, but I look good regardless, so HA!" look :P It totally worked, BTW.
He took me out for sushi and then we went to go play pool. The whole night you could tell he had fallen under my spell again - that he was having so much fun that no other girl was on his mind. He kept flirting like crazy too... saying things like "gorgeous girls break first" and comparing me to a boba drink called "carmel Oriental beauty" to which I responded, "I guess I am sorta carmel-colored" :P He tried soooo hard to charm me, but I wasn't having it. I could tell that the nicer I was, the more it hurt him - talk about killing someone with kindness! ;) I guess there's some merit to that after all!
My favorite part was at the end of the night. He wanted to come up to my room to keep hanging out. So, I said sure. I went downstairs to grab a snack and when I came back, he was sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands. I came in and asked what was wrong, and he seemed surprised that I caught him in his reverie. He said, "I was just thinking... about all the mistakes I've made in my life... and I think I really made a big mistake that I might not be able to fix." I know he expected me to ask what he was talking about, even though I knew very well what he was referring to. So, all I gave him in return was, "Don't be depressed. Life's too short." :P
In the end, I didn't have to do anything. All I had to be was myself and let everything else run its course. It just goes to show that taking the high road maybe isn't a bad idea after all, it's not my job to punish others for their sins, and, well, Karma's a bitch! ;) hehe
He took me out for sushi and then we went to go play pool. The whole night you could tell he had fallen under my spell again - that he was having so much fun that no other girl was on his mind. He kept flirting like crazy too... saying things like "gorgeous girls break first" and comparing me to a boba drink called "carmel Oriental beauty" to which I responded, "I guess I am sorta carmel-colored" :P He tried soooo hard to charm me, but I wasn't having it. I could tell that the nicer I was, the more it hurt him - talk about killing someone with kindness! ;) I guess there's some merit to that after all!
My favorite part was at the end of the night. He wanted to come up to my room to keep hanging out. So, I said sure. I went downstairs to grab a snack and when I came back, he was sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands. I came in and asked what was wrong, and he seemed surprised that I caught him in his reverie. He said, "I was just thinking... about all the mistakes I've made in my life... and I think I really made a big mistake that I might not be able to fix." I know he expected me to ask what he was talking about, even though I knew very well what he was referring to. So, all I gave him in return was, "Don't be depressed. Life's too short." :P
In the end, I didn't have to do anything. All I had to be was myself and let everything else run its course. It just goes to show that taking the high road maybe isn't a bad idea after all, it's not my job to punish others for their sins, and, well, Karma's a bitch! ;) hehe
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Food Comas and Being Torn
OMG! I'm so sleepy right now. I just went to Souplantation and ate a horse! I had Caesar salad, tuna tarragon pasta salad, German potato salad, Joan's brocoli salad, clam chowder, lemon cream pasta with capers, 4 cheese pizza, lemon mousse, and a lemon muffin. I just want to crawl on the floor and die :P The worst part was that I was on a lunch date with one of the guys I hooked up with this weekend. At least he paid :P And this, my friends, is why I like lunch dates :)
So my ex b/f, Bryan - the one who left me for a Mexican Gummi Bear, is calling me again to go shoot pool. When he and I last had lunch so I could get my $1300 Tiffany bracelet back, he told me things haven't been going very well between them and that maybe he was wrong to assume that a first love could stand the test of time. All in all, she had changed and they were growing apart. Typical.
I guess that that's what happens when you try to look for greener pastures. I gave up Kevin to be with Chris 2.0, and what did that get me? Nothing but loneliness and heartache. I lost both of them as friends and as lovers because I was selfish and wanted more than what was on my plate in front of me. Tragic ending to a bad decision. So why shouldn't Bryan feel the same wrath of the consequences of poor choices?
Part of me wants to be evil to him and lead him on just to toy with his head and show him that he fucked up, but the other part of me is not that evil and actually stills wishes for the best for his life. I'm torn. I haven't decided what to do yet, but I have a feeling he is trying to get closer to me. After all, we have a "date" on Friday to go have dinner, followed by some pool. I wonder what will happen. I wonder what he'll say. But most of all, I wonder what my motives for the evening will be. I guess I'll let you know next week ;)
So my ex b/f, Bryan - the one who left me for a Mexican Gummi Bear, is calling me again to go shoot pool. When he and I last had lunch so I could get my $1300 Tiffany bracelet back, he told me things haven't been going very well between them and that maybe he was wrong to assume that a first love could stand the test of time. All in all, she had changed and they were growing apart. Typical.
I guess that that's what happens when you try to look for greener pastures. I gave up Kevin to be with Chris 2.0, and what did that get me? Nothing but loneliness and heartache. I lost both of them as friends and as lovers because I was selfish and wanted more than what was on my plate in front of me. Tragic ending to a bad decision. So why shouldn't Bryan feel the same wrath of the consequences of poor choices?
Part of me wants to be evil to him and lead him on just to toy with his head and show him that he fucked up, but the other part of me is not that evil and actually stills wishes for the best for his life. I'm torn. I haven't decided what to do yet, but I have a feeling he is trying to get closer to me. After all, we have a "date" on Friday to go have dinner, followed by some pool. I wonder what will happen. I wonder what he'll say. But most of all, I wonder what my motives for the evening will be. I guess I'll let you know next week ;)
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Encounters of the Fourth Kind
So, I met a guy from the internet (like I meet many of the people that have some permanence in my life) and we were flirting and getting ready to hook up. The next morning, I receive an e-mail from him notating directions to his house and how much fun this is all going to be. At the end, he includes, "I don't have use of the muscles below my knees. I use a wheelchair to get around. I hope that doesn't bother you."
We never get to that point because he sends me an e-mail saying he doesn't think it's a good idea to meet because he's "a loser that should just accept his fate." Okay. That's just really sad. Not pathetic-sad (although it IS a little pathetic) but more like "OMG! Don't feel that way! You're not a loser!"-sad. I grapple with the idea of whether it falls on my shoulders to aleve his sorrows.
Fast forward one week, and I'm driving to his house. Part of me feels like he could be a really awesome guy, another part of me feels like he might be uber-depressing, and another part of me wonders whether this is my future husband. I was actually surprised when I met him, because he was very active and seemed to not only be coping with being paraplegic, but actually mastering his circumstances. He wants to be part of the Para-Olympics (Olympics for "dudes like him") and is going to college for Mechanical Engineering.
We played Xbox360 for about 3 hours, and I actually had a lot of fun. The whole time, I was debating whether I should kiss him, or give him head, or something along those lines... But in the end, I decided that doing any of those things would just make him feel like I wanted to be his g/f or something like that, and I didn't want to lead him on, no matter how much I thought a good blowjob for a disabled person might be "giving back to the community" :P In the end, I didn't do anything - partly because I didn't want to have to break his heart later, and partly because, well, I'm just not that humanitarian. ;)
We never get to that point because he sends me an e-mail saying he doesn't think it's a good idea to meet because he's "a loser that should just accept his fate." Okay. That's just really sad. Not pathetic-sad (although it IS a little pathetic) but more like "OMG! Don't feel that way! You're not a loser!"-sad. I grapple with the idea of whether it falls on my shoulders to aleve his sorrows.
Fast forward one week, and I'm driving to his house. Part of me feels like he could be a really awesome guy, another part of me feels like he might be uber-depressing, and another part of me wonders whether this is my future husband. I was actually surprised when I met him, because he was very active and seemed to not only be coping with being paraplegic, but actually mastering his circumstances. He wants to be part of the Para-Olympics (Olympics for "dudes like him") and is going to college for Mechanical Engineering.
We played Xbox360 for about 3 hours, and I actually had a lot of fun. The whole time, I was debating whether I should kiss him, or give him head, or something along those lines... But in the end, I decided that doing any of those things would just make him feel like I wanted to be his g/f or something like that, and I didn't want to lead him on, no matter how much I thought a good blowjob for a disabled person might be "giving back to the community" :P In the end, I didn't do anything - partly because I didn't want to have to break his heart later, and partly because, well, I'm just not that humanitarian. ;)
Monday, April 2, 2007
Closure and Submission
Mr. MIA is no longer MIA. In fact, he has been pronounced dead as of March 30th, 2007.
*insert eulogy*
"Mr. MIA was possibly the one person I fawned over the most in my life. He received my praise, adoration, respect, and limitless attention and love. I can't even count the number of times I've gone out of my way to be there for him, even sacrificing my own dignity and self-worth to do so. But in the end, he was just one messed up piece of shit that I should have never bothered with in the first place."
No, but really... I finally got some closure on the whole situation. It really shouldn't have taken me this long, but I just needed to draw it out until the bitter end (I'm tragic like that) :P He admitted that he's just too fucked up in the head and can't bring himself to trust people or have faith in relationships. He went on to say that he's just an asshole for no apparent reason. I guess that kind of behavior explains why he was admitted to a mental hospital when he was younger. At least I know he hasn't been cheating on me. Being that fucked up, how could you? ;)
The funny part is that his lack of faith in sharing his life with someone he can trust and love has bled into my own life. I think a large part of my world just fell through to accomodate the idea that maybe I'll grow, live, and die alone as well. It's not that I've lost hope, it's just that I'm not naive enough to think that I'm the Queen Bee anymore, no matter how high I hold my self-regard. It's perfectly possible that I'll never experience a truly deep and meaningful relationship, the way I've always imagined it would be like, with an amazing man for as long as I live.
And from that, I realize that having a man is not all it's cracked up to be. I can support myself financially, emotionally, and physically without a male complement to myself. What males do offer is a nice sexual release every once in awhile and the security of knowing someone is there to take care of you when you do fall down. But while I'm living with my family, I don't need the latter. And with men so quick to take a roll in the hay, finding the former is easy as pie. I should know - I found it twice this weekend.
*insert eulogy*
"Mr. MIA was possibly the one person I fawned over the most in my life. He received my praise, adoration, respect, and limitless attention and love. I can't even count the number of times I've gone out of my way to be there for him, even sacrificing my own dignity and self-worth to do so. But in the end, he was just one messed up piece of shit that I should have never bothered with in the first place."
No, but really... I finally got some closure on the whole situation. It really shouldn't have taken me this long, but I just needed to draw it out until the bitter end (I'm tragic like that) :P He admitted that he's just too fucked up in the head and can't bring himself to trust people or have faith in relationships. He went on to say that he's just an asshole for no apparent reason. I guess that kind of behavior explains why he was admitted to a mental hospital when he was younger. At least I know he hasn't been cheating on me. Being that fucked up, how could you? ;)
The funny part is that his lack of faith in sharing his life with someone he can trust and love has bled into my own life. I think a large part of my world just fell through to accomodate the idea that maybe I'll grow, live, and die alone as well. It's not that I've lost hope, it's just that I'm not naive enough to think that I'm the Queen Bee anymore, no matter how high I hold my self-regard. It's perfectly possible that I'll never experience a truly deep and meaningful relationship, the way I've always imagined it would be like, with an amazing man for as long as I live.
And from that, I realize that having a man is not all it's cracked up to be. I can support myself financially, emotionally, and physically without a male complement to myself. What males do offer is a nice sexual release every once in awhile and the security of knowing someone is there to take care of you when you do fall down. But while I'm living with my family, I don't need the latter. And with men so quick to take a roll in the hay, finding the former is easy as pie. I should know - I found it twice this weekend.
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