The Corporate Scandal

Villainy

2008-07-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

"Those who unwillingly accept a fate of villainy become unwilling and ironic martyrs." - Quyen Nguyen

I just saw Dark Knight (an amazing movie) and in it was the idea that sometimes people have to take on the role of the "bad guy" in order for others to feel comfortable with their own lives. I almost cried when I heard that because it was something that struck a chord in my own life. How many times have I, myself, vilified the people in my life in order to make sense of it and feel better about myself or my actions? Bo, Mom, Chelle, Chris 2.0, Kevin, Mitch, all my other boyfriends, and basically everyone I've ever known or wanted to know has played the antagonist at one point or another.

In fact, villainy is contained in all aspects of life - from self-hate to prejudice to racism and beyond. Is it natural for people to vilify all that doesn't coincide with their world view? Is that why human beings are so quick to betray and change sides, whether it be politics, relationships, or personal philosophy?

It's understandable that people want "yes men" in their corners, but does everyone who says "no", or simply "maybe" necessarily have to be grouped within the ranks of Baal and Mephisto? Why can't Chris 2.0 just be some kid who can't get his shit together to save his life? Why couldn't Kevin be given the benefit of the doubt to change? Why do others always become the villains? Why are we our only true protagonists?

I suppose the answer is that it simply helps us understand our lives. Or rather, it helps us survive by not having to deal with what's really there. By vilifying everyone, we dehumanize them, which in turn takes away from our own humanity. In the end, we are the villains of our stories. Our happy ending depends mainly on how willing we are to forgive ourselves.

Vacation 2008 - Day 6

2008-03-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

I woke up @ 7:45AM on Thursday in order to get my ass up to go to the open rehearsal of the SF Symphony. They were playing Shostakovich’s Piano Concerto #1 and Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite. I got ready late and instead of walking there like I had planned, I had to take a cab. I really like taking cabs. You learn all sorts of little things about the city. J

I got to Symphony Hall and had a chocolate donut and some coffee and then took my seat late in the front row of the second tier. The hall was beautiful! It had hanging acoustic panels to help propel the sound upward and outward, and the PA system was lowered from a giant pyramid that was mounted on the ceiling. The organ pipes were beautiful and the view from the second tier gave you a bird’s eye view of all the musicians in the orchestra.

Now, I don’t need to write too much about this experience because two posts ago I blogged the letter I sent to the SF Symphony. But I cried, and I kept on crying. I felt so much. Maestro Dudamel was a 27 y/o conductor, the youngest “major league player” in the world – he will actually take over the LA Philharmonic for Esa-Pekka Salonen in the ’09-’10 season as principal conductor. He is amazing and brings such life and energy to the group. He would bounce from side to side on stage and when he wanted the full force of the orchestra, he would heave his body at them, letting his wild hair fly forth. The orchestra reacted in kind and produced sonic art. Waves of sound pierced the air, and from them were born this undeniable beauty of the world. And it moved me to tears. That human beings could produce such a thing. That such things could exist in the world.

After the concert, I went to the Symphony bookstore and watched a DVD about the Venezuelan Youth Orchestra. There was an interview with a boy who played cello and he showed you his home – that he slept on the top bunk and his brother slept on the bottom. He told you how he loved his cello so much that he sleeps with it – that it’s his voice and he loves it so much. He then plays an excerpt from the Saint Saens Cello Concerto (a difficult piece for even a master’s student) and plays it beautifully. Afterwards, he hugs his cello and says, “I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t play my cello.” I fucking lost it after that. It’s even getting to me right now as I’m writing this.

Afterwards, I had lunch at some bad Chinese place and then did a tour of the SF Conservatory with a cute trombonist ;) Interestingly enough, the undergraduate violists sounded just as bad as undergraduate violists where I went to school.

After the Conservatory tour, I went to the Asian Art Museum. After 1 floor of learning about Buddhism in various countries, I was over it LOL I went downstairs to learn about Geisha, Courtesans and hand painted scrolls, and after that, I was on my way back to my hotel.

I invited over a boy, but I didn't think he was that cute and I told him I wasn't feeling it. He just kinda sat there for minutes, dumbfounded. It was sooooo awkward. :P I ended up feeling bad for inviting him over but not being attracted to him and bought him a drink and an appetizer that we shared.

More to come...

Vacation 2008 - Day 5

2008-03-21T21:11:00.001-07:00

The day started with the boy I slept with the night before pressing his sweaty body against mine. “Go back to bed,” I say as I brush him away. Around 10AM, we start getting ready for our day: Brunch at Zazie, the DeYoung museum, the Legion of Honor museum, and a stroll through Golden Gate Park.

We get on the N line (the underground one – yay!) and head up to Zazie where we proceed to get plastered on “Sunshines” (a mango & champagne mimosa) while eating smoked salmon eggs benedict, Croque Royales, and lemon ricotta pancakes. We head to an organic pharmacy where we buy this weird fermented tea drink that’s naturally effervescent. Never trust a naturally effervescent fermented tea drink no matter how “organic” it may seem :P

We get on another bus to get to this Japanese garden. We find a secluded spot and he asks me if I smoke? Of course I do, but it has been about a year since I last did. What the hell… it’s my vacation, right?

The next few hours are a blur: I remember jumping a fence, finding a spot away from prying eyes and proceeded to have sex right there in this woodland clearing. It was beautiful. Something as raw as sex in a place as powerful as nature is an experience I think everyone should have. It makes you feel part of the world in a way that is entirely unique. I wish I took a picture. We were on this slope that overlooked this massive gorge just full of green and quiet. The sun’s rays shone through the trees above almost as if someone were filming it and there was a lighting crew creating special effects.

After we were done, we jumped back over the fence and went through “Hippie Hill”, which apparently is a place for vagrants who like to join drum circles. It was as if I had walked into a parallel universe – just like how I felt when I was in Japantown. In Japantown, everything was so peaceful and quiet. Here, at “Hippie Hill”, it was so free. People who had no jobs – who didn’t join the rat race of life – existing as if they were just part of some grand scheme, that Mother Nature would take care of them. It was odd, unsettling, and altogether refreshing.

I got back on the busline and headed back to my hotel to shower and take a nap. At 7PM, I wake up and get ready for my table for one at the elite French restaurant in SF – Gary Danko.

I have to say that Gary Danko was truly one of the highlights of my trip. I started with a glass of Riesling (the sweetest I’ve ever had with a nice lilt to the finish) and went with a 4 course meal: seared foie gras with rhubarb and caramelized onions (this is the best and most clear foie gras I’ve ever had in my life. So, I told my waiter to tell the chef that I thought this dish tasted like a Mendelssohn string quartet – all the flavors equal in their importance with clarity and refinement); sea scallops done two ways; roasted duck breast with lemon zest served with duck confit, celery root puree, fried leeks, and whole shallots. The cheese course consisted of a selection of 3 cheeses (although I got 4 selections because my waiter liked me :D) I had “drunken goat” cheese (a cheese that was aged in wine for 2 weeks so it’s outer rind is purple with wine stain and it also helps the cheese keep its moisture throughout – my favorite!), a cow’s milk cheese that has beta carotene added to it to give it a bright orange color which the King of France commissioned to be made so he could spot it across the banquet hall and use as a way to flirt with women), a fine gouda called “Midnight Moon”, and a semi-soft/semi-hard cheese that was also very enjoyable. These cheeses were served with grapes and crostini.

At this point, I was SO FULL. So, when my waiter asked if I wanted after-dinner coffee, I declined, to which he said, “Well, what will you drink with the plate of cookies the chef has prepared especially for you?” Apparently, the chef liked my comment about the foie gras being like a Mendelssohn string quartet! :D The plate came out and it was sheer decadence! Candied orange rinds, raspberry gelee, cocoa butter rolled in sugar, the lightest meringue ever, a slice of fudge, lemon genoise, chocolate soufflé, and others that I couldn’t describe if I tried. Afterwards, my waiter came to me and told me that the chef said he wanted to meet me. So, I got a private, behind the scenes tour of one of the finest restaurants in SF. And I got to meet the chef and told him he was an artist, not just a chef, because his intent was definitely well-received! I told him that the foie gras was the most exquisite I’ve ever had and congratulated him. The chef sent me home with a “coffee cake” he prepared for me made with cream cheese, with an orange and chocolate soufflé base.

When I got back to the hotel, I was not only decadently plump but also wired from the cappuccino that I had with dessert. The whole time I was at dinner, I felt so taken care of and really very fulfilled, except for one thing… this whole trip, something has been on my mind – I really wanted to share all of these experiences with Chris 2.0. I wish he could have been there at dinner to share in the amazing food. I wish he could have been on the bay cruise looking at the city as the sun set. I wish I could have shared all the sexual experiences with him and fallen asleep and woken up next to him in the morning in the hotel room.

I grabbed the phone and called him, even though it was midnight by this point. I professed my love for him and how I was tired of pretending like I didn’t love or need him. I told him how he’s the only person I’ve ever really wanted to be with since I’ve met him 3 years ago. I demanded that we be together because we are meant to be together. And then the voicemail ended.

His reponse? To be continued…

Letter to the SF Symphony

2008-03-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Members of the SF Symphony,

My name is Quyen Nguyen and I am a violist in Southern California. Even though I hold a BM in viola performance, play with the La Jolla Symphony, and keep a teaching studio, I am not a fulltime musician. Instead, I decided sometime ago that classical music is on its way out, that nobody really understands our art, and that classical musicians are woefully underappreciated, even though we work for years honing our skills. (I'm sure being a violist, on top of all that, increased those sentiments somehow :P)

Anyway, when I was doing music fulltime as a career, I would come to rehearsal, sit in my chair, play, people would clap, and I would walk away with my paycheck - and I became pretty jaded. I felt that what I did really didn't make a difference and had no real point. Year after year, audience sizes would shrink, orchestras would go bankrupt, and more and more people thought being a "classical musician" wasn't any better than working retail or some other unskilled job. My colleagues admitted they felt the same way more often than not. So, I quit.

Years later, I find myself sitting in this morning's open rehearsal of Stravinsky's Firebird, and you know that story about how if you play with enough heart and emotion that you'll make your audience cry? Well, I never believed that story, until this morning, when I started crying. Seriously, mascara was everywhere.

I didn't cry because you made me feel sad or it triggered some nostalgic and tragic event in my life; I cried because as I was watching Maestro Dudamel passionately emote from the podium, with each of you giving back just as passionately, I witnessed beauty. I witnessed the beauty of the world contained in a concert hall - beauty that made the world a better place, beauty that could help people deal with the stresses and rigors of life.

And I realized that I was so wrong to think that being a musician was little more than entertaining a crowd or filling the gap of silence. For the very first time, I witnessed the power of our art. Music was one of the few things that made the world a better place, that exuded true beauty - and here you all were, creating it.

Maybe you get emails like this all the time, and maybe you don't, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to congratulate all of you for your talent and courage to pursue a path that everyone may not readily appreciate. For without you, there would have been one less place in the world where beauty could exist. One less place art could breathe. And to be honest, one less person who came to the realization that it's the beauty in the world that makes life truly worth living.

Thank you.

Vacation 2008 - Day 4

2008-03-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

I'm constantly surprised. It's like I'm living the life of Quyen that never had the possibility of happening. A whirlwind standing in one place - me. My life. My journey, and everyone else passes through to share their lives with me.

Padraic, the guy from Ireland that I went out to the bar with the other night, and I had Dim Sum together at Yank Sing and then proceeded to go to Pier 39 to buy my sourdough teddy bear (which is SO ugly lol) After that, we went to Japan Town and had sushi and I bought a $200 kimono. It is so beautiful and has long flowing sleeves. It was described to me as the "business suits" for the women of Japan. It's vintage and has some sweat stains in the sleeves and whatnot. But I justify the price by the quality of the craftsmanship and the fact that it's a piece of history, and also, I could have easily spent $200 on a designer dress from BCBG or some other place.

After that, I came home and decided to hang out with a couple friends, who I, again, had sex with :P Both were pretty amazing experiences. Well, the first one was anyway. It's weird. I would never do this in my normal life. But I feel like maybe this is all sort of some weird yearning I have to do these things anyway. Maybe I'm not so different from Mitch after all?

For dinner, I visited the hotel restaurant and laid $51.00 on a rich clam chowder and miso glazed sea bass with clam dumplings. Exquisite!

I can't wait to get home and wear my kimono somewhere! So, today is the DeYoung Museum and the Legion of Honor. Brunch and a possible stroll in the park... and then the culinary finale of my trip... Gary Danko @ 9PM :)

Vacation 2008 - Day 3

2008-03-18T11:37:00.001-07:00

Okay, this trip just keeps getting crazier and crazier :P

I went to Pier 39 to meet a food writer and PA to the executive chef for Google (foodie's dream come true, right? :P) We ended up hanging out for awhile and held hands all around and ate lunch. I then went on the Bay cruise which was awesome! I stood at the very front of the boat and let the wind mess up my hair lol :P It was great just being out and alive and alone. I thought I would mind it alot, but I don't. It's comforting going wherever I please and doing whatever I want.

After I got home, I was bored and lonely, so I invited this Econ major from Berkeley over to hang out. Yes, we had sex, but it was totally weird and awkward. I'm telling you, younger men look great, but they have absolutely no idea what to do in the bedroom! lol :P Once that was over, I made plans to go to a nice lounge with a friend over at the St. Francis Drake hotel. When we got there, they closed the bar! So we ended up going to this dive bar - me in a short dress, high heels, and a trench coat. I was so out of place, but proceeded to get totally knackered - gin & tonic, buttery nipple, blowjob, Scooby snack, and another buttery nipple.

We ended up going to my friend's hotel and stayed up talking for hours! His hotel room was like my apartment! It had a living room and everything and was so nice! We ended up drinking some screwdrivers from the minibar and then proceeded to pass out. I woke up in the nicest hotel I've ever been in! And no, we didn't have sex, kiss, or even cuddle. Wait a minute, yes, I think we did cuddle actually. I was too drunk to really remember anything lol :P

This morning, I got ready and he and I are going to the best Dim Sum place in SF: Yank Sing. I'm excited and starving! He better get here soon!

Vacation 2008 - Day 2

2008-03-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

So last night was a trip! My flight into SF was delayed 2 hours and it had NO electronic functionality! :( I was really disappointed with Virgin America. When I got into town, I sat for 40 minutes in a shuttle waiting to amass enough passengers to leave the airport.

Then, I met an old friend from SD who is studying for the bar and he showed me the seedy Tenderloin (what streets not to walk down etc, and whatnot). Then I went to the Asian Art Museum to get all my bus passes and CityPass booklet. I went back to my hotel and tried to get situated in my room, but they had already given my room away! I booked in a month ago! I was so angry. They wanted to give me a crappy 7th floor room on the side of the hotel with a busy, noisy street. I told them I'd be back at 8 and that should give them enough time to fix things :P

I took my first bus (F-line) to Pier 33 to make the Alcatraz night tour just in time! Alcatraz is so interesting... I can't even imagine being locked up in there... kinda crazy... We sailed back to a sunset over the Golden Gate Bridge and a fantastic view of SF. It took me another hour to get back to the hotel, but I befriended these 4 gay guys who walked me back to my hotel on their way back home :) Quyenchilla = Ultimate Fag Hag :P

I ended up meeting this French visual/fashion designer from Asia for drinks around 10PM. We headed over to this super elite lounge where everyone knew him (he must have been famous somehow?) We covered a whole night of drinks and shots and I got pretty wasted :P We had these amazing conversations about life and love and what we're doing with our time as souls. Pretty deep stuff eh? I invited him back up to my hotel room, and we just slept together - no making out, no sex, nothing. This morning, I woke up to Chocolate ganache cake on the side of the bed that he slept on, and a voicemail saying something like: "I love you. I know that's inappropriate, but I think you're one of the most amazing and beautiful people I've had the pleasure of meeting. Thank you for last night, even if we never see each other again."

A little backstory... we were talking and he's like can I see you this week? And I said, everything has its time and place, and that maybe he and I would share 6 hours of our lives together - ever. And that has to be enough. Because maybe tomorrow, someone else will be our soulmates for the day and so on and so forth.

Anyway, I've typed enough. Today is Fisherman's Wharf, Boudin's, Ghiradelli, the Aquarium and a Bay Cruise :) Ta for now ;)

Vacation 2008 - Day 1

2008-03-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

So my long awaited vacation is finally here, and I have only one goal - make this trip worth the $1,500 I spent on it :D I'm at the airport right now using the free WiFi and staving off hunger until I can drink on the plane. Yes, people; I will be getting my cocktail on starting at 9:30AM lol :P I figure it would be fun and glamorous to order a gin and tonic or vodka on the rocks first thing in the morning on an empty stomache :P It'd be like something out of "Absolutely Fabulous" :P

So, I'll arrive in SF around 10:45AM - then grab a shuttle to the hotel to drop off my bags. I have a lunch/museum date with an old friend from San Diego who moved to SF after he finished law school. I'll check into the hotel around 3PM and then head to the bay for my Alcatraz tour starting at 4:30PM. I'll get back on land around 7:30, which should be time for dinner ;)

After that, the world is my oyster... Who knows what could happen? ;) I might actually end up springing for the internet connection in my hotel. Why? I don't want to be trucking my sorry ass to the library every day for the free WiFi there... lol

I'm super excited and feel a brand of indepence that I've never felt before. As a woman, you often feel like you have to go with a man to protect you or at least a group of women for solidarity. It's a sort of a socially accepted co-dependence thing. By going by myself. I feel like I can do anything! Is this what men feel like everyday? :P I hope I don't get mugged. But who knows? Maybe it's just the experience I need to make this trip worth remembering! hahahahaha :P

The Schizoid Complex

2008-03-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

As I started healing my schizoid complex, I realized that I was afraid to face the world as who I truly was. I had this innate fear that who I was at my very core was not the person that people wanted. And so, I began to change who I was in order to become the person I thought others wanted me to be.

My realization that I didn't want to be an accountant was a loud and rude awakening for me. I came to terms with who I was at the core: a creative and artistic spirit who wanted to make a difference in the world; and I shed the shroud of materialism and greed I had begun to acquire.

I want to be happy, even if I'm poor. I want to make a life for myself that I will be proud to have lived. Even if I don't "make it", I will at least live how I want to live, not how I "ought" to live. I want to create for the rest of my life, not run processes and engage in repetitions.

I am truly the Corporate Scandal.

I dropped out of school today...

2008-03-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

It's strange what happens when you decide to "face the music"... I realize how against the grain my current line of work is to who I am as a person. I also realize that my so-called goals, are not really my own - just a disguise for what the world expects, and in turn, what I am doing to "please" the world.

I want out, ASAP. In reality, I don't care if I'm rich, as long as I'm happy. I'm not sure how I convinced myself that making money would make me happy. I'm not very materialistic to begin with. I'd rather be poor and in love with my life than rich and miserable. I don't want to wake up everyday of my life, hating my job. I've never done what's "right" and "sensible"... so why start now?

I realize I'm a "make ends meet" sort of person to begin with - in a word: resourceful. But life isn't about making money and amassing wealth. Life is about enjoying the time you're spending while the days pass you by. Maybe my friends aren't so backwards. Maybe being poor isn't the worst thing that can happen to you (like I began to start believing). Maybe simply not wanting to be living your own life is the worst thing that can happen to you. I feel like that's the boat I'm in right now :(

An Honest Post

2008-03-01T23:42:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with a man who I know cares about me but will never love me enough to put me before himself.

I've tried telling myself that I'm just in love with the idea of what we could be and not what we are. I've also tried chalking my feelings for him up to the great sex and his good looks, but I know that's not all I see in him. I've also tried rationalizing my emotions by basing them on the few times we've shared a significant memory, but that doesn't even come close to explaining why I'm still around after all the terrible memories...

Sometimes I feel like there's something seriously disturbed about how I view love. Is it just a game of cat and mouse? Am I in love with him because he's a challenge? Maybe. He's the one man I've never been able to capture fully. But even in the times I had "won" him for that hour, or that day, I always craved more. I always wished it would never end.

It's not like I feel amazingly beautiful or sexy around him. I don't feel impressive or irrefutably intelligent either. At the same time, I don't feel desperate or sad. Neither unhappy, nor defeated. It doesn't make clear sense to me why he still captures my interest and even my heart to this day.

We don't have that much in common, barring video games and sex, but there's something about him which draws me into this world where I truly believe he and I should be together. We are meant to be together - that's what I always tell myself.

He hasn't dated anyone seriously for the past 5 years, and I've been his only sex partner for the last 2.5 years of his life. When he feels like saying it, he tells me he loves me. In fact, he told me that he's loved me only a few weeks after we first met, but never told me. I told him that I realized that I was in love with him after he fell asleep while we were watching a movie. Random, I know. But there was something very powerful about knowing he was dead to the world while I was awake with a whirlwind of emotions and feelings spiraling out of control inside of me even without an imput from him - so much so that it all overflowed and my eyes started welling up with tears.

Maybe I started crying because I realized it could never be - that we were two very different people who led very different lives and that it could never realistically work. Or maybe I started to cry because there was nothing else I wanted more than to fall asleep every night like that - with him out like a rock and in my arms.

I remember all the bad stuff, it's true. I'll never forget what it was like to have him flake on me all of those times. It really killed me a little each time. But I forgive, and truly forget. With him, it's all I know how to do.

But then I remember the times that showed him at his best: my candlelit bedroom, stargazing on blankets in the park, gaming at the net cafe... and times that I wanted to be with him just for the sake of being there with him: sleeping in his attic on a sleeping bag, playing WoW so I could chat with him in-game, driving to his place at 3AM to sleep over for 4 hours after he had a bad day.

I constantly try to convince him that we're perfect for each other, but I'm not sure he's convinced. I guess what matters is that I'm convinced, completely. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish we were falling asleep together.

Sweet dreams.

I love you.

Good night.

Quyenchilla - Level 2!

2008-02-29T15:16:00.000-08:00

So, with my new job, I feel as if I'm a character in a role playing game and I just went up a level :P I'm becoming a much more specialized worker now and my job is definitely not "entry level" anymore. It's a good feeling, but also brings in the reality of how stark a contrast this all is from previous jobs and projects I've worked on.

The more I get into accounting, the more I realize how truly challenging and trying it is on a day to day basis. This week, I worked 54 hours. I'll also teach about 8 hours tomorrow. I'm starting to work too much... but it's the learning curve and growing pains of a new job; that's all. I'll get faster and eventually, this will be a 40 hour job again :P

As for school, I got a 95% on my Econ test and have the 2nd highest grade in the class for accounting :) I'm kinda falling behind in my computer class though :( I can't wait to take my vacation! :)

Emotional Economics

2008-02-21T21:35:00.000-08:00

All we hear is that we should spend our money on things that will help make our limited resources go further: buy an education versus a vacation to Cabo because an education (although grueling) will ultimately help you make more money by extending your resources than say the immediate happiness granted by your dream vacation.

But what effect does that Cabo vacation or any other "consumer good" have on the limited resource of your happiness? In essence, is the Cabo vacation a capital good when it concerns your emotional well-being? Really, what are the effects of spending money on consumer goods if consumer goods actually makes your emotional resources go further?

We are our best and most valued business: we are the sole beneficiaries of all the profits we reap, we are the ones who will benefit from any growth our business makes, and most importantly, we are the proverbial CEO's of our company, able to make and guide the future of our enterprise.

Now, let's say we use time as one of our limited resources. Wouldn't we be more productive if that time was spent doing something that invigorates and inspires us, thereby increasing our energy levels and our emotional resources, than something which is defeating and makes us less and less likely to want to achieve anything?

Maybe doing without a consumer good like an iPod isn't such a good idea if it means drudging through your workday with no music to make it pass by more quickly and be more enjoyable. Maybe doing without that new car isn't the greatest thing to do if your junker stresses you out by breaking down all the time.

The way I see it is that you can always choose to buy the "capital goods" that economists tout as the holy grail of financial well-being, but what about the capital goods for your soul? By buying into the hype of Roth IRAs and 401k's, you don't leave much room for the economic growth of your emotional resources. And if we're talking business, not taking care of your parent company by allocating resources to your satellite company is like only feeding the children in a starving African family. Who is going to take care of those kids when their parents have already died of dysentary?

Therapy

2008-02-20T18:18:00.000-08:00

I go to therapy for a variety of reasons. Something I'm working on now is releasing my inner child more often instead of bottling it up inside (I know it sounds corny). Basically, I'm so strong all the time, for my friends as a shoulder to cry on, or for myself (so I can push ahead with my goals and aspirations) that I never cry or feel much mercy for others. I'm also incredibly hard on myself and don't give myself a lot of slack - I always have to know the answer and do things the right way otherwise I feel useless.

You might say to yourself, "Those things are required for your survival as a responsible and successful adult" and I agree, but even so-called adults give themselves a pat on the back sometimes, and that's something I have trouble doing - being happy with where I'm at in life.

I've done lots of amazing things in my life - won the national championship on viola and competed internationally as the US representative, played viola on National Public Radio, solo'd and composed for various orchestras around the country, I've tutored the SAT, writing at the college level, been director of piano in LA, played film scores in the most elite studios in the industry... and even now, I'm 24 y/o working 2 jobs and making roughly $55K a year, own and run my own business, play with the La Jolla Symphony, manage a band which I compose and play for, am going back to school for my CPA, getting promoted at work, and to add to my financial and personal success, I've been engaged before and am still best friends with my some of my ex'es.

However, for me, nothing is good enough. I want to make 6 figures by the time I'm 35, I hope to find my partner for life one day, and so on and so on and so on. You see, it's hard for me to be satisfied with myself because I don't usually respect others. And because I don't respect others, I don't want to live mundane lives like they do where they stagnate and just die off. But because I detest living a lackluster life, I tend to suck all the fun out of just living and being happy. So yeah... it's all weird and cyclical as you can see.

In therapy, I do affirmations like "I accept myself as who I truly am" to try to embrace my inner child and let myself just be innocent. Whereas most people tend to not take enough responsibility for their lives, I tend to do so so much that I beat myself up over it.

Therapy for me is an hour where I don't have to have all the answers and "be all that I can be".

Talk about issues, huh? :P

Perspective

2008-02-19T19:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you feel like you're never getting anywhere and that you have to do and be more than you are, and you get so caught up in it that you start to feel this never-ending malaise of inadequacy.

"I wish I were this successful, two years ago" "In 5 more years, I'll have such and such to show for it" "By the time I'm his age, I want to be that" It's not bad to think these things. In fact, it's called having initiative and goals for your existence, but sometimes, I think people who do this can be so driven that it compromises the quality of life they are trying to assume for themselves.

Then you talk to an old friend and hear about what they've been doing with their lives, and it's then that you really see the direction in which your life has been taken. All I want to say right now is that I'm really proud of where I am today. I got through a lot to get here and went through things alot of people could not have handled, in my opinion. And through it all, I still desire growth and inspiration from my life.

I'm 24 y/o and really have my shit together these days. It wasn't always this way, but I'm glad to say my life is on its way to a better tomorrow :)

Finances & Vacation

2008-02-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

So, I just did my budget and I will be hitting the $10K mark at the very end of March. So, that will cross NYR #6 off of the list! Yay!

NYR #5 is pretty much null and void since I'll be switching positions on Tuesday and will leave the backlog to my successor.

As for my vacation in March, I've decided on San Francisco! I booked 5 nights at a 4 star hotel in Union Square and will be doing all the touristy things like Alcatraz, Asian Art Museum, MOMA, De Young, Legion of Honor, Aquarium of the Bay, Exploratorium, shopping, SF Symphony, SF Conservatory, day spa, Chinatown, Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39, Gary Danko, see a musical or a play, and exploring the nightlife!

The trip is jam packed and will cost almost the entire amount of my tax return! But since this will be my first real vacation in a few years (the Grand Canyon trip was a total waste of good vacation time due to Mitch's stomach ache) I decided it was time to really splurge! :) I'm also flying Virgin America airlines which is a totally high tech flight! Yay! :D

STDs, Tax Returns, and Spring Break! Oh my! :P

2008-02-07T15:22:00.000-08:00

So, I'm super psyched! I went and got all my STD/HIV tests done and I came through negative on all of them! Even herpes! Yay! :D I thought for sure that I already had gotten herpes from Mitch...

Anyway, in other news, I'm planning my Spring Break :D (Sunday, March 16th through Friday, March 21st) I'm deciding between NYC and San Francisco. I think I'll try to make some online friends during the next month who I can meet while I'm there, but this time, I'll take the vacation alone (first time!)

Lastly, my tax refund is going to be $1,900.00! I'm almost to $10K now! (which is New Year's Resolution # 6) :)

w00t!

2008-02-04T15:23:00.000-08:00

So, I've already accomplished #2 on my New Year's Resolutions list! Yay!

I had 7 students, and wanted 12; I now have 13! I teach a full 8 hours now on Saturdays (10AM-6PM). I'm planning a masterclass in May with a colleague of mine on "The Economics of Time Management: How to practice smarter, not harder". I'm very excited to be working on this project.

I've also decided to make small steps with technology in my music studio as an investment. Things like recording the lessons and sending them (via email) to students. Also, I'd like to purchase CDs, books, and software to lend to my students in order to inspire them. Additionally, I'd also like to invest in some new teaching materials to help make me a better teacher.

I also learned why I am such a good teacher from an epiphany I had during some recent energy release work - I want my kids to be able to express their inner child - something I didn't have the opportunity to do when I was a child. That's why I encourage making mistakes. Because the essence of childhood is innocence, and innocence means letting yourself just "be" - you don't have to know all the answers, or be smart, strong, wise or right. That's how you learn - you have to allow yourself to make mistakes! :D

GAH!

2008-01-30T16:17:00.000-08:00

I hate my new job! I wish I had never been promoted :(

Training for this position has been frustrating and exhausting. I didn't realize it when I took up the offer, but it's at least twice as hard as my current job. There are several more processes to run and things I'll be doing in the future are like the things I do now, only more complex and involved.

I'll be in charge of:
Invoices (A - G)
Booking domestic wires
Canadian wires (payment & booking)
Weekly check run (between 150 - 300 checks each week)

Pros:
I'll be a very integral part of the Accounts Payable team
The tasks I have are varied
The tasks I have require decision making
The job is not an entry-level position, and is somewhat specialized (I'm replacing the most senior member of our team)

Cons:
The deadlines I have range from daily to monthly (it was weekly)
High volume position (more companies' names fall between A - G than all the other letters)
Barely any "idle time" (no time to work on homework at work!)
More vendors, people, and approvals to deal with (lots more politics)

I must say that I wouldn't be able to handle this position without having had my previous experience before. Having my previous position allowed me to understand my new position much more because they were either related or they allowed me insight into my new tasks.

I'm having a hell of a time working both of my jobs while they find a replacement. But I have to just let myself deal with it. They can't expect one person to do 16 hours of work in 8 hours. I'm doing the best I can, but it still stresses me out. *sigh*

YAY!

2008-01-23T11:57:00.000-08:00

I got promoted at work! :D YAY!

The details are kind of hush-hush right now. Basically, one of the invoicing people is leaving to another department, and the position needs to be filled. The plan is to hire a temp to replace my position as the interdepartmental change happens. Then, I will step in as the new invoice processing person.

I have no idea who is going to leave. If I had to decide between Jack, Althera, Kathy, and Lan, then I'd probably say either Lan or Jack. I'm excited to be promoted! And honored that I was chosen to be promoted before Beth, my co-worker, seeing as she's been her 3 years, and I've only been here for one!

Oh Happy Day! :D

Quyen

2008-01-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

"there is a gathering in the forest. the leaves have refused to change. they say that they are tired of things never remaining the same, of dying to be reborn, of winter's dry withered hand. they are praying for an eternal spring. even i expected that the beautiful autumn must have been ecstasy for the leaves. but they admit that there is nothing more painful than changing from green to yellow to red to brown. they insist that their beauty is a prolonged suffering. they say they will never change again.

i have told them that everything has its season." - Saul Williams, SHE

Existence

2008-01-17T11:33:00.000-08:00

We've all heard the old philosophical question that if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? I now pose this question, if you're too concerned with others opinions of you that you are afraid to be the true you, then does the true you even really exist?

I'd say no. I believe there is no way for the true you to have taken part in any discussion or event. Therefore, the true you had absolutely no impact on whatever you perceivably took part in.

When you disguise yourself from being seen, then you won't be seen. It's that simple. For people who hide from others around them everyday, whether it be behind masks or lies or even designer clothes and expensive cars, they build a barrier between the world and themselves. Once the barrier is set in place, it is very difficult to tear down the walls and present one's true self. Because of this, it is easier to keep lying, keep wearing the mask, and to keep spending money for clothes and cars to impress people.

The thing about people is that they do not like to degrade. And more than that, they do not like to disappoint. These two factors together are a lethal combination and completely applicable to those who put up barriers:

Let's say Mr. X is dating a new girl. He shows off his money and acts extra attentive to gain her interest. Let's assume that the way he is presenting himself is not the true Mr. X at work. In this scenario, he is wearing a mask with the goal of impressing this girl.

Now, once he's won her affection, how easy do you think it is for him to stop this forced behavior and revert to his true self? Mr. X might think inside of his head that if he does show the true him that the image he has created for himself will DEGRADE (Strike 1) because he will no longer be upholding the status quo that he created for himself in the beginning of the relationship.

The other thought crossing Mr. X's mind will be that if the girl sees that he is not the rich, well-mannered man she thought he was, then she will be DISAPPOINTED (Strike 2) and leave him. So you see, the one-two punch of degradation and disappointment is a serious threat. It's so scary to face, in fact, that many will keep the ruse going just to avoid having to deal with it.

However, we all know that lies beget lies, and those lies beget even more lies. At what point are you ever your true self anymore? At what point does juggling all the masks and images you present to the world become so unwieldy that you feel that degradation and disappointment for all is the better option? Will one ever feel that way?

It's very cyclical, and it's incredibly hard to stop without intervention or simply a dead stop at rock bottom. Why be your true self when it would degrade your image and disappoint your audience? It's so much easier to keep up the ruse, even at the cost of your true identity.

This all makes so much sense - except for one small detail... How do you know you would disappoint your audience by being the true you? You have no way of knowing whether they would be happy or unhappy with the true you. By believing that you would disappoint them, you are unfairly taking away their ability to decide for themselves. You do not have the right to do so.

So, look at this again: Mr. X can revert to his true self and DEGRADE his image. However, keep in mind that degradation is a natural aspect of life that we all must deal with, whether it's aging or otherwise. However, Mr. X should not feel that he will DISAPPOINT, as he has no way of making that decision for others. This makes it a bit easier to avoid our "lethal duo".

Or better yet, Mr. X can go ahead and be his true self from the beginning, knowing that he is being the best version of himself that he knows how to be. And if that's not good enough, other people can just go fuck themselves ;)

Burning Out

2008-01-16T16:19:00.000-08:00

My job makes me and my body very sad :( I sit in a chair all day and do two things: audit and match checks. In fact, those are the only two skills I use each week.

A moron can match checks - All you have to do is check to see if the amount, invoice # and date, and the remit address matches and then paperclip them together.

Auditing, on the other hand, takes a trifle more brain power, albeit not much. You have to make sure the receipt amount match the amount expensed on the expense report. You also have to make sure that there is a payment method (like cash or credit card) listed somewhere on the receipt, showing that they, in fact, paid for this expense.

Sounds easy, right? Except for the fact that employees are constantly trying to cheat the company by trying to get reimbursed for items they never paid for and dues for professional groups they are not a part of. It is here where my miserly side can shine :P

All in all, the tasks I must do for my day job are worthy of the "short bus" at best, except that the sheer volume of work is stifling! I audit around 400-700 expense reports a week and match anywhere from 175 to 300 checks every week. I'm also solely responsible for releasing payments for a whole country: Canada.

This job hurts my soul. It would be easy except for the fact that I'm always fucking busy. Plus, my back is killing me. Please save me from this corporate hell.

If something has to go first...

2008-01-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

...it's going to be the La Jolla Symphony. I got ANOTHER parking ticket last night!

I think since I've started, I've racked up $270 in parking expenses. That is total bullshit. I'm tired of it, and I shouldn't have to "pay to play" so to speak :P I'm going to seriously consider dropping the LJS after February's concert.

In other news, the work week has been slow. So, I've had a chance to do some catching up :)

Overload

2008-01-14T17:35:00.000-08:00

My weekly schedule starting the 28th of this month will be the following:

Monday:
8:00 - 9:25 - Economics
10:00 - 6:30 - Work
7:00 - 10:00 - La Jolla Symphony

Tuesday:
7:20 - 9:25 - Accounting
10:00 - 6:30 - Work

Wednesday:
8:00 - 9:25 - Economics
10:00 - 6:30 - Work
7:00 - 10:00 - La Jolla Symphony (possible)

Thursday:
7:20 - 9:25 - Accounting
10:00 - 6:30 - Work

Friday:
7:30 - 4:00 - Work

Saturday:
10:30 - 5:30 - Teaching

Sunday:
String Quartet (possible)

On top of all of that, I need to find time to add another online course in Computer Information Systems, do homework, work overtime when needed (about 4 hours a week), recruit more students, date, cook for myself, do things like go grocery shopping, laundry, and spend time with my kitties and read. Not to mention relax once in awhile with friends and play video games, and also sleep!

I wonder if something will have to give, eventually. Hopefully my sanity isn't the first to go! :(

Happier Days Ahead

2008-01-08T16:23:00.000-08:00

New Year's Resolutions revisited:

1) I paid for all my course tuition.
2) I am going to start two new students by the end of the month.
3) They are still alive
4) I read another chapter in the book and listened to a podcast on "Transfats"
5) I'm making small dents in my backwork
6) I now have $5K saved up :)
7) I gave the music to my cellist (hey, it's a start)
8) Mitch checked my oil for me. Yay! :)
9) Um... yeah... about that... :P
10) ...and that too... :P

Boyfriend

2008-01-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

So, I've been thinking that with everything I'm going to be going through (work, school, teaching, symphony, etc) that I really don't have time for a boyfriend. Mitch has already made it very clear that he has no interest in being in a committed relationship. I'm still having sex with him and hanging out with him. So, in the end, I suppose he got exactly what he wanted :P Nice going, Quyen hahaha

On the other hand, I do have more free time and I've gotten to explore my own sexual freedom as a single woman ;) It takes a little getting used to because I tried to get away from that lifestyle awhile ago, and I'm not sure my roomie really enjoys meeting the various guys I bring home. I think, eventually, I'll meet someone I want to date, but until then, it's all just fun, right? ;)

There is a guy I have in mind to fill the vacant position, but time will tell if we'll work well together or not... Either way, I figure that just looking out for #1 is the way to go for now. I'm tired of being the model relationship citizen. Putting others above yourself is for chumps. It doesn't seem like any good really ever comes out of it when all is said and done.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-03T08:31:00.000-08:00

I have 10 of them and here we go:

1) Go back to school to fulfill some undergraduate courses as a prerequisite to transferring to SDSU as an accounting major. I'll also need to get a grade of "C" or better in order to be reimbursed for my classes as well as my textbooks.

2) Increase my teaching studio from 7 students (currently) to 12 students. Doing so would increase my annual income by $6.5K!

3) Not abandon my cats if I end up having to move sometime in the year. They provide so much comfort and love for only $50/month :)

4) Finish reading "On Cooking", a 1400-page culinary school textbook. It will help increase my knowledge of food as well as hone my knife skills and food presentation aesthetic.

5) Get all caught up with back work at my day job. If I have nothing to do, my boss will let me do my homework at work :)

6) Save $10K for my jaw surgery. That will cover 40% (hopefully not less!) of the cost of surgery.

7) Start playing chamber music. I would gladly trade playing in the La Jolla Symphony if I could play in a good string quartet!

8) Make my car last just one more year until I can lease or finance a new or used car in 2009.

9) Play less video games, and think more (write poetry, read books, practice music, cook, etc)

10) Be more physically active and live a healthier life. Maybe not on a set schedule, but when I have the time and inclination, I'd like to take a hike, or exercise on the elliptical machine at the gym at work, prepare a healthy meal, or simply meditate.

Going Back to School...

2008-01-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

This is kind of degrading. So yeah, I fucked up and didn't finish my bachelor's in music because I was too prideful. But in the end, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I got the needed education in order to pursue a career as a music teacher and professional gigging violist. So, in the end, I accomplished what I wanted to anyway.

But now, I have to think about what I'll be doing with my career 15 years from now. And that includes building on my skill set as an accountant. I know I don't want to be making $35K a year for the rest of my life with measly 2.5% raises each year. So, I decided I needed to go back to school and get an education. Fair Isaac, the company I work for, will fund my education as long as I get a "C" or better in each class.

So, beginning January 28th, I'll be going back to school with a 10 unit load under my belt! I'm very nervous and very excited! Excited because I'm actually taking steps toward a new and lucrative career path, but nervous because I'm trying something new that I may possibly not be very good at :(

But challenging things are no stranger to me. In fact, I think I've done quite well with the challenges I've faced thus far in my life :) It'll take me 2 more semesters of semi-full semester loads until I can transfer to SDSU and declare a major so I can take my upper division classes. But I have to treat it like I'm starting over basically from scratch. even if it takes me 10 years to finish my degree, I'm determined to do so! And who knows? Maybe I'll double major in music since I only need a handful of classes to complete the degree! :D

Wish me luck! :)

My Head Hurts

2007-12-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

"If love were a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?"

- Tuptim, from 'Anna and the King'

All I Want for Christmas...

2007-12-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

So, Mitch and I broke up (yet again...) on the morning of the 21st. Yes, we are still having ex-sex which is the same as it always was during our relationship - fun and hot. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that we'll never make love because we don't actually truly love each other - we just have some serious "like" going on.

I cried a lot. I don't even remember the last time I cried. Chris 2.0 maybe? I'm not even sure that was a full out cry either. I cried because all my dreams for the future were dashed away. I cried because all my hard work was for naught. I cried because I actually felt something for once in a very long time, and was in reverance of my own humanity.

However, I've dealt with it and had a little time to think about it, and I've decided that I'm not willing to use the same recipe with disastrous results over again. I'm not confident that he can change or even wants to. I'm not confident that I want to change for someone that has so little regard for my welfare and my feelings. In the end, I'm so over being the one who initiates things like discussions and hanging out. If he wants to do those things then he can be a man and initiate them himself. Interestingly, I'm quite satisfied either way.

Well, that's a half-truth. I'll be satisfied with him if he does take responsibility for his actions. And if he doesn't, I'll feel bad for myself that I made yet another bad decision when it comes to l'amour. Either way, I'll be fine with me, myself, and I. I think I always have been. I have a great sense of self. I think my problem is trying to take on the responsibilites of others, which is something I'm not actually responsible for.

I was sitting awake last night wondering if I have any obligation to Mitch to not take advantage of being single while we are broken up. I mean, do I really think he's going to step up to the plate? Meanwhile, I'll be missing my own opportunities. And that's not to say that he won't be pursuing his own. I guess Ollie is right after all, you don't owe anything to anyone. I really hate that idea, but I guess it's true. The idea that you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself in order to make others happy makes logical sense.

Christmas is over - the holidays are done. It's time to start 2008 with a fresh twist.

Note to self: "Fluff" is not the fuel for the relationship "car". It's communication. OTherwise, the relationship would stall if their wasn't an ongoing supply of fluff. I'm pretty certain that the fluff is the radio that gets staticky on long road trips when you go through remote places. Sometimes, it's fun and you can rock out to it, and other times you just sit and get bored out of your mind from the tedium.

Quoth the raven...

2007-11-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

In an email, I wrote to Mitch:

"I was listening to a program about the “pornification of America” and how the increased use of porn in our media and its easy accessibility are corrupting our youth and destroying marriages and relationships. Not the best thing to hear..."

...to which Mitch posed this question:

"Many things in our society are potential pitfalls to people and marriages. I read a report how the youth of today are lonelier and more disconnected because of IM'ing and e-mail. Logic dictates think it would be just the opposite, but they have less face to face time with other people which apparently is more important. Just another example of how technology changes the social fabric. Will mankind rise to the challenge?"

Here was my response:

"Will mankind rise to the challenge? If divorce rates are any indicator, no.

Technology makes things more efficient and convenient – it’s true. From email, to microwaves, to iPods, to automobiles, to internet personals. But I think it destroys a large part of the quality of life we can experience. Email robs our ability to engage in on-the-spot conversation – it’s no wonder we grow less refined as a society with each passing decade. Microwaves rob our ability to fill the house with smells of the kitchen and taking pride in taking the time to craft a meal – it’s no wonder we’re getting cancer from the radiation and chemicals from microwaved plastics. iPods rob us of the inclination to seek out venues for music or even live music at all – it’s no wonder a good recording studio can make someone like Britney Spears the Queen of anything.. Automobiles rob us of the inclination to take a walk to get somewhere – it’s no wonder we suffer an obesity epidemic. Internet personals rob us of the opportunity to get to know someone on the grounds of more than just a superficial glance of a personals profile – it’s no wonder more people are single these days and less people can find happiness in a relationship.

Efficient and convenient, true. But have you ever given thought to the idea that, in today’s society, we can live solely in a self-engineered box? Look around you right now. The only thing you need to do your job is what you’re staring at right now. In fact, what you’re looking at right now can feed you, clothe you, educate you, entertain you, and satisfy your urge to socialize with others.

Now think – everyone in your building is doing the exact same thing that you are now. Working quietly, commandeering their life through a keyboard and screen. No art, no culture, no love – only images and ideas to engineer those feelings and thoughts in you. It’s just another form of the Matrix. Are you really living right now? Do you control your technology or does technology control you, putting limits on what you can and can’t do.

Unfortunately, our society rests on this very fabric. It’s not something we can escape. We have to learn to integrate technology into our lives, but we must also learn to cope with the bane of it all. So far, I believe we’re failing, culturally and spiritually. When was the last time you felt the electricity in the air when watching live music? When was the last time your toes curled and you were in Nirvana from making love? When was the last time you felt the ocean water against your skin while you swam through the ocean?

For you, it could be yesterday, but for the greater part of society, they are swooning to jams on their iPods, they are masturbating furiously to porn, they are watching surfing legends on YouTube instead of attempting the same things themselves. Currently, and sadly, mankind is not rising to the challenge…"

30 Day Challenge

2007-11-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

It's been 30 days since Mitch told me that he wanted me back, and I gave him 30 days to prove to me that what we had was worth holding onto, and in doing so, make me break a rule I've held onto since I first started dating.

I've decided that my relationship with Mitch is worth that and more. In these 30 days, we've had more than our fair share of fights. However, I think it was for the best because I have my resolution and I can now let things go. He has been patient while I was berating him and venting my anger and frustration. He has also been mindful of my feelings and my desires. In turn, I slowly opened up to him. And every day, I feel like I open up just a little bit more. I'm not sure there will be an end to how close we can become - that's how I feel when I'm with him.

There is just one little fear I have... Mitch and I have been spending tons of time together (nearly 2 out of every 3 days) and I'm worried that:

1) We will start getting bored with each other
2) Our personal social lives will suffer as a result of it
3) We won't accomplish our own individual projects for lack of free time alone
4) We will freak out and separate because we "need some space"

The other side of this coin is that I freak out when I can't contact him or I don't know what he is doing... So, it's a damned if you do, and damned if you don't sort of deal.

Don't get me wrong... I love seeing and being with Mitch on a daily basis. But I know he wants to get things done and he doesn't have the free time to invest in it because he is with me. I also know he is neglecting his social circle in lieu of time with me. And I don't know when his battery might suffer a power failure. And honestly, all of the above goes for me as well.

All in all, I'm very happy :) I just hope I make him just as happy and he smiles when he thinks of me :)

Sex and Swinging

2007-10-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

Why am I obsessed with this topic? I downloaded a podcast called "Sex is Fun" and of course I started listening to the shows on threesomes, swinging, and group sex. It just seems that monogamous sex is no longer thrilling anymore to some people, Mitch included. I sometimes find myself wanting to be the girl who can give him that experience, but I also know that I'm not comfortable with myself enough to put myself in that situation.

Lately, Mitch and I have been talking about coming out of your comfort zone, and becoming a butterfly after a metamorphosizing spell in the 'ole cocoon. Could it be that I am supposed to become a group sex queen? It's not like the thought doesn't turn me on, but I can see it spiraling out of control on my side:

- I can see myself finding a guy who is young, hung, and full of cum and leaving Mitch for the new guy (especially as he gets older)

- I can see myself not wanting to touch him anymore after seeing him with another person for two reasons: 1) the sanctity of monogamous sex would be broken and going back to monogamous sex would no longer be special or something that exists only between the two of us and 2) I'd be sad that he wanted another person to please him other than myself.

- I can see myself going without Mitch to go have sexual adventures with other boys/couples/groups/etc. that we've played with before for my own sexual or emotional gratification.

- I could get tons of diseases (playing with or without Mitch) and then give them to him (seeing as how I hate condoms and probably would never use them even though it's the smart thing to do)

- But most importantly, I could simply get jealous after the first go and throw away the relationship citing 'things can never be the same'.

Unbeknownst to Mitch, I've always had a fantasy of being a total sexpot, escort, or porn star - professionally. I think beauty and sexuality are powerful and can be used as a very manipulative tool. As far as my own physical attributes go, I think I could be a very well-paid escort or a porn star with some fame and fortune. Add in the talent and intelligence, and I could be shipped in by rich businessmen needing my company.

But that's a fantasy that I've been trying to give up for the past year now, because 3 years prior to that, I was so close to having that become a reality. If I went back to that, Mitch would just be one of several boyfriends I would be juggling. I'm not sure if he realizes that or even sees that as a possibility.

I remember one fateful year that I was in a relationship with Steve 1.0, Chris 2.0, some 19 y/o boy I used to have over, and several other guys all at the same time. And by relationship, I mean they thought I was their full time girlfriend. I remember once when Chris 2.0 left my apartment, and Steve 1.0 showed up 30 seconds later - they must have passed one another in the lobby! I never admitted to anyone that such was the case up until today, right here in my blog.

You see, people's priorities change but their ability to do the same things they did in the past does not, it is only repressed by the current goals they are striving towards. If I got back into the whole 'freedom of sexuality' lifestyle, it would all come back full force. I would just throw away everything that is important to me right now and go back to the way I used to live my life - with no morals, values or ethics.

I think when I really dig deep, that is the reason I don't want to get into swinging and that whole lifestyle - it would compormise me as a person and take me back to a lifestyle I don't like and even push it into unknown boundaries. I tell Mitch that the threesome experience wasn't good (and honestly it wasn't anything to write home about in the slightest) but the real reason is that this is all about me - I'm just not sure I could fully love or respect a man who didn't fully love or respect me. I would eventually fall out out of love with Mitch and leave him.

That all being said, I'm a total martyr for my romantic relationships. If Mitch wants this to be a part of his sexual repertoire, I know I'll eventually give in and arrange the encounter without his knowledge and let him fulfill his fantasies. I'm just not sure I really want to fly away from him once I break out of the cocoon again.

My ultimate sexual fantasy is to be completely happy and satisfied with just one person. I've tried the other stuff, and it just doesn't work. I wonder if I'll ever fulfill my ultimate fantasy?

Chris 2.0 Weekend '07

2007-10-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'll start by saying that Mitch and I broke up on Saturday morning right before I dropped him off at his house to go teach. He had decided that the ultimatum I gave him - Be committed and try to be the man I want to have by my side or scrap the relationship and move on - was too much to ask of him. So we parted, him having chosen to throw away his second chance to make our relationship work (for those who don't already know, I only give two chances to be in a relationship with me)

Later that day, Chris 2.0 came over to spend the weekend with me. I was so happy to see him, especially after what had transpired that morning. We ended up eating dinner, playing some online poker, going to Lei Lounge with my coworkers, and watching Eastern Promises, a movie about the Russian mafia. Before we left to Lei Lounge, I was busy trying to find an outfit to wear out. One thing led to another and before I knew what was happening, Chris 2.0 was going down on me ;) We ended up having sex, showering and then going on our merry way.

Sunday morning came and we had sex again, and then went to breakfast together. Shortly thereafter, Chris 2.0 started his trek back to Anaheim.

The funny thing about seeing Chris 2.0 was that I thought seeing him would make everything better. I thought we'd have our usual, mindblowing sex and connect all over again - but it was pretty mild this time. In fact, the sex was sort of more trouble than it was worth :( What made it worse was that when Chris 2.0 kissed me, it was not the way I had become used to being kissed. In a way, I wish it were Mitch who had kissed me, instead. In fact, the sex I had with Mitch was even better than the Legendary 2.0's. In a way, it crushed a small reality for me, and opened my eyes to a new one - I really DO love Mitch after all...

I texted Mitch these simple words: "You've been on my mind"

Mitch called me and we talked. He told me that he had made a mistake, that he wanted to have an "A" life with me. I called him back and told him he should know I slept with Chris 2.0 before he decides to try and win me back. He said that he wasn't going to let that stop him.

We went out to Appertivo, a tapas and wine bar in North Park, and it was like our first date all over again. I was so happy :) And in a small way, I fell in love with him a little bit...

Mitch asked for one month to prove to me that he can be the man that makes me happy. I agreed, and if at the end of 30 days, I feel like breaking a rule I haven't broken since I first started dating would be the wisest thing to do, then I'll reinstate him as my b/f. Until then, I promised I wouldn't date other men to give him a fighting chance.

As for Chris 2.0, the romance surrounding our past relationship is dead. We are just two people that shared a moment several years ago and tried to keep it alive. But I actually no longer yearn to be the woman by his side. In that sense, this weekend was good for me because it freed me of those old alliances and obligations. Maybe when I say I'm free to move on, I really do mean it this time...

Randomness

2007-10-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

My new celebrity crush is Kevin Zegers.

Poignant song lyric - "If I could paint a picture of this melody, it would be a violin without its strings." - from 'Heavy on my Heart' by Anastacia

I want to write a cookbook full of cheap recipes (around $1 a serving) and money saving tips for grocery shopping (how to shop by sales and cycles)

I'm addicted to iTunes podcasts. So far, I've subscribed to podcasts about cooking, cuisine, tarot, Carnegie Hall, viola da gamba, fashion, and French. The best part is it is all free! :D Yay!

My teeth have become amazingly straight in only a month of officially having them on! This might move up my surgery date as well as shorten the time I need to be wearing braces! :D Yay!

I made up with my family, and I now rent my teaching studio at the old house for $200 a month.

Joke of the day:

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

LOL

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice

2007-10-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

When you think of the typical woman, what do you expect her to be? What skills and attributes would you expect her to have? I bet you a majority would expect her to be able to cook. Also, she would most likely be feminine and beautiful. She would also be social and be great with other people, able to hostess as well as attend to the needs of others effectively. She would radiate warmth and charm. She would have flair and style. She would possess grace and sophistication.

But, by necessity, would you expect her to be amazingly intelligent, able to talk about any issue or subject? Would you expect her to be athletic and physically powerful? Would you expect her to be the main breadwinner in a family? I think not. Women are held to a different set of standards than men when it comes to their worth. Women are expected to be beautiful and charming (a la Miss Universe Pageant) and not much more. Think trophy wife or porn star, here. A woman can exist by just being a hot piece of ass with feminine wiles. A man? That delusional bastard better get a job ;)

It's a shame that women are not expected to be more, and as such, are often not viewed with the same capabilities as men, who have expectations which are the inverse of women. If a man is not attractive, charming, or warm - it's entirely okay. The problem is that more and more women today need to take on the man's role because men aren't performing the way they need to. A women has to be her own breadwinner. She has to be physically powerful so she can open her own jars and doors. She even has to have a brain to compete in today's job market. In essence, she is fulfilling the man's role. What's more, she has to walk the fine line between her expectations as a woman and her forced role as a man. And meanwhile, things like trophy wives, beauty pageants, and porn stars, are not only insulting to the self-sufficient woman, but also reminds her that everything she's worked to accomplish may not truly be what she is valued for anyway.

The Grand Canyon

2007-10-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

Mitch and I didn't end up going :( First, we got in a fight about his ex g/f. Apparently, he didn't tell her that we were dating yet. It's been 2 months people. What could possibly be the reason for that? My guess was that he planned on getting back together with her, which makes me want to be less committal. We almost broke up (again) and honestly, it may yet happen.

His decision to not tell his ex he was no longer single told me two things. 1) I can't trust he'll take care of my feelings even if I tell him how I feel (I told him it hurt me 3 weeks before all of this and he still didn't do anything about it) and 2) I can't trust that his words reflect his actions (he said he would take care of it 3 weeks ago too)

Despite me being angry about the whole situation, I decided to put away bad feelings for the time being because he started having stomache pains - an 8 out of 10 on the pain scale. I drove him to the hospital and spent 5 hours with him in Urgent Care and then drove him back to my place and took care of him from Friday until Sunday, making sure he was taking his meds, cooking mild meals for him to eat so he could keep the food down, letting him relax without bringing up relationship drama (since it was unresolved), and letting him spend the weekend recooperating and playing video games.

All in all, I was a damned good g/f, but that doesn't mean everything is water under the bridge - there are still issues that need to be resolved, but I decided to let his health and recovery take priority. The deeper I get into this relationship, the more I see the flaws. And the more conflict we have, the less I'm willing to compromise myself to suit his lifestyle. What about the quality of life I want for myself?

I want a man that's going to rise to the challenge of being with me. Sure, have your own ideals, and activities, and friends - I really don't mind. But don't sit there and tell me that you're just the way you are and that you can't improve yourself. In the meantime, I am opening myself up to your interests and changing my priorities to accomodate yours. It's really unfair. I don't want to be with someone who isn't open to living out of his comfort zone - after all, people are there to show you new things and forever change the way you see life.

I sometimes wonder whether this is just a passing thing - a learning phase, so to speak. Or is this the way it's just going to be and I have to deal with it? I feel like I'm giving a lot. I feel like I'm constantly trying to understand what he needs to be in this relationship - sexually, emotionally, intellectually. But I don't really feel like he looks out for me. I don't believe he really takes me into consideration in his actions or choices. I feel like I'm an afterthought - that nice things only happen when things are going wrong and not when things are going right. It's not proactive - it's reactive. I'm just not used to it, and no matter how I try to rationalize it, I still don't agree with it.

In the end, there's just this feeling I can't shake that I'm just not that important to him, and that very well may be true. I feel like I'm playing second fiddle to something I can't put my finger on. I feel like I'm the kitchen sink - that you only address cleaning it when the dishes get too high. I've never been treated like this before. Ever. I've always felt like the ray of sunlight in a thunderstorm. But now, I feel like part of the entourage. Here's a Monday morning haiku:

My heart shrinks just a
little bit... Doors close, blinds shut...
How can you see me?

"Family"

2007-10-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

What is family and how do you discern who qualifies as a member? Dictionary.com defines famils as, "a group of related things or people: ex - the family of romantic poets; the halogen family of elements. " Is family based on the typical bloodline? That seems to be the status quo concerning our use of the term. According to our definition, it definitely fits into the schema - related by blood and genetics.

But the word family must imply something deeper than blood. In my opinion, it should encompass many facets that relate one person to the other. In the quintessential genetic family, we could say that you are related to your parents and siblings by genetics, upbringing, moral and social values, time (assuming you know your family for your first 18 years of life), and shared experiences. All of these things have the possibility for making a great representation of the word "family" - a group of related things or people.

But the question then is, what if your own family unit does not meet up to the standards of the quintessential genetic family? What if your family only shares genetics, as the name implies? Is it truly a family? I think not.

I regard my family as Jenni, Mom, Bo, and Chelle. As per the quintessential genetic family, I shall now do an inventory of the various qualities:

GENETICS - Mom, Bo, and Jenni are all fully related to me by blood. Chelle is my half-sister, a child of my mother from a past marriage.

UPBRINGING - Being the youngest of 3 children (and being the favorite), my sisters and I all grew up to be profoundly different people probably due to the different ways in which our parents treated each of us. Chelle had more expectations on her because she was the oldest. Jenni had no expectations on her because she was born with physical disabilities, and I, after my sisters had failed in amounting to much, was the last hope of the family to make something of myself. The different parenting styles lended themselves to favoritism and pitting one sibling against the other. Between parent and child, my sisters and I were raised in an American society, and my parents in a typical Vietnamese society.

MORAL & SOCIAL VALUES - I think this is where we all differ the most, and are the same in the most negative of ways. While we all believe in being strong and independent, we all go about it a different way. My mother is a Renaissance woman, able to do anything and needing no man. Jenni finds her strength in manipulating men to do her bidding. Chelle finds her strength in her aggressiveness and overbearing manner. Bo finds his strength in being the person who is in control of any situtation (even if it means compromising those around him). And I find my strength in the approval of others and accomplishments which garner praise. Anyone can see that by our very natures that we cannot share the same moral and social values.

TIME - During my first 18 years of life, I can honestly say the maximum time I've spent with each family member from most to least would be: Mom, Jenni, Chelle, Bo. However, I only spent 16 years with my Mom, 14 with Jenni, 11 with Chelle, and 9 with Bo. Due to divorce, abuse, foster homes, moving out due to coming of age, running away from home, and other such events, I haven't spent all of my 18 formidable years with any of my family. Of course, I share the closest bond with my mother and the bond decreases as time spent together decreases. I'm not blaming anyone; it's just a fact of life.

SHARED EXPERIENCES - The shared experiences I have with my family are all of physical/mental abuse and support (or non-support) in my musical efforts. Taking this in, these are not good shared experiences to have.

In conclusion, it is apparent to me (as well as the casual onlooker) that my family does not fit the definition - a group of related things or people.

The question now is, how shall I deal with the situation at hand? I could do partition of sale of the home, but I couldn't do that to my mother who I owe the most to. Can I stay on the title of the house and just not contribute to the mortgage? Is that legal? Am I willing to give up all that I've worked for in building a great studio? Do I back down to what I regard as basically strangers? Or do I stand up for a dying cause? I'm so unsure... but I do know that nothing will ever be the same. This is a defining point in my life, and I don't want to make a decision I will regret later. I just wish I knew which way to turn...

The Ideal Relationship

2007-10-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

What is the purpose of having a relationship? Surely it's not for the benefit of constant sex. If that's all a relationship were, I'm sure many people would be more satisfied with a life of hedonism. I mean, if that were true, people would be in relationships where sex is the defining strength of the couple, and having anything else in common would not be a concern.

Obviously, sex is not the defining factor. How about stability? I hear about so many relationships falling apart because they are too stable, too predictable, and too boring. We always hear the reason for cheating being, "I needed more excitement in my life, and you just don't do it for me anymore." So, let's cross out stability.

I think we're going about this all wrong. Constant sex? Stability? Do relationships exist to satisfy or stabalize a person? It's just so mediocre - so ordinary. Place holder, rut, and bare minimums are all words I think of when I think of that. No, relationships must exist to serve some greater purpose than sex farm and tranquilizer dart.

The idea that one person can create and invent and amount to something more than he was yesterday is such a profound idea. Imagine what could be created, invented, or achieved with two people working as a team? Even if they never produced something together, (like two painters or two scientists might) imagine what effect one another's support could bolster the other to achieve!

That is my idea of the ideal relationship: Two people who work together and support each other and challenge each other to be more than what they were before. You want nothing more than for your partner to realize their dreams and aspirations, and the same goes for needing the same support in your own life when you pursue your own.

I guess this goes back to my alternate theory for the 4th dimension in "Flatland". I believe the next dimension is always something you can't see at face value, but you always know that there's something greater than what is apparent. I believe the next dimension is always the union of the previous dimension - many points make a line, many lines make a plane, many planes make an object, etc. So, for humans, what would be the answer if you united all of us and focused our efforts? What would that be? I like to think it is spirit. I like to think that it is the essence of faith, and along with that, perseverance, motivation, will, and hope.

The union of two people is but a microcosm of this grand concept, but within them lies all the possibility of an entire civilization.

As I always tell my students, why get a "C" on a test when you can get an "A"?

Stress

2007-09-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, I've been dealing with so much lately. Too much for my little 24 y/o brain to take. In the past 2 weeks (and in the upcoming 3 weeks) I have had to worry about:

- finding an apartment that's cheap, close to work, safe, and allows cats
- realizing I don't have the finances to get my own place and finding a roommate
- fighting with all the members of my family
- contemplating losing my teaching studio, then figuring out how to get it back, only to lose it again
- auditioning for the La Jolla Symphony
- dealing with the sheer workload of fiscal year-end at work
- packing all of my belongings and moving into the apartment
- going through my quarter-life crisis and doubting the validity of my life as well as being depressed
- dealing with the layoff at work
- trying to make my relationship as well as sex life stronger with Mitch
- dealing with the body competition with Mitch and trying not to feel like a fat slob even though I've been eating like crap and haven't been exercising due to time constraints and stess
- being charged with holding a family meeting to discuss my ownership of the house as well as my ability to teach at the home studio
- finding a tenant to replace me for the mortgage

So, you see... I've been under a lot of stress. I'm definitely not myself these days. But I know that it will calm down in a month or so. I'm looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost there...

P.S. I won the audition for the La Jolla Symphony! I'm assistant principal viola! Yay! :D

The Corporate Scandal

2007-09-20T10:55:00.001-07:00

I’m so sad right now. We just had a Corporate layoff of about 40 people from upper management, all the way from senior managers to VPs. I’m speechless. They had same day notice – They got an email on Tuesday, and were not allowed back in the building on Wednesday. Their admins had to pack their belongings in a box and mail it to them. It’s just so cruel and cut-throat. My manager didn’t change, but our Director did and everyone else above that.

Additionally, the new CEO ax’ed them because he wants to bring his old buddies from IBM into the office to work alongside him. They should arrive by the end of next quarter, just in time for the public announcements. I just think it’s so wrong. Our VP of finance handled 8 mergers in his time here. That’s by no means a small accomplishment! Why would you do away with such a valuable player like that? I just don’t get it.

I guess what this all boils down to is that I just realized my own sense of Corporate mortality. I could be laid off at any time as well. And seeing as I’m saving for jaw surgery and just got a new apartment, that could seriously throw a wrench into my plans. It could still happen. Usually, the accounting department is located where the CFO is located. For us, that’s in Minnesota. My manager says there are no plans to transfer us, but who knows? It could happen… later today… and I wouldn’t be allowed back in the building tomorrow.

Cello Day!

2007-09-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Today is Cello Day for three reasons:

1) I might buy a cello today for only $160! :D

2) One of my cello students won the principal cello position in his school orchestra! :D

3) It is my g/f, Sarah's junior cello recital tonight! :) It will also be the first time Mitch and I go out to see a concert together :) We're buying flowers for her as a couple :) Aren't we adorable? :D *shields herself from your vomit* :P

I also figured out what I'm going to get him for our 2 month Anniversary :) But shhhh! It's a secret :)

OMG! YAY!

2007-09-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

OMG! YAY! I GOT THE APARTMENT! :D

"2 bed/2 bath, 3rd floor unit $1165 w/ $800 security deposit. This gated community surrounds a beautifully landscaped, quaint courtyard. We have spacious apartments with the following features:

* Well-lit units, very cozy
* New granite counter tops
* New tile in kitchen, dining area and bathroom
* Private balcony
* On-site Property Manager
* Energy efficient, all electrical appliances (microwave, stove, fridge, dishwasher, garbage disposal)
* On-site laundry room (open 24 hours)
* Assigned underground parking/carport parking (w/$35 garage opener deposit)
* Intercom entry system
* Owner pays water/sewer/garbage
* 3-story bldg. w/elevator
* Electric A/C and heat
* Ceiling fan
* Centrally located. Minutes from Balboa Park, Mission Valley, I-805, I-8 and the 94. 6-month to 1-year lease.
* Cats OK upon approval w/additional security deposit of $400.

Now the boys have somewhere to live, and my rent is cheaper ($582.50 w/o utlities) since I'm rooming with my friend, Steven, and I live 5 blocks away from Mitch! :D Most importantly, I'll be on my own and able to host dinner and poker parties again! :) AND I'll have my very own kitchen! YAY! This is such a great day already! :) I'm SOOOOOOOOO happy! :D

MADE

2007-09-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching MTV's MADE, a show about people pursuing goals they've always had. The show takes ordinary people who want to accomplish something regardless of the natural talent or skill of that person. The show pairs up the person with a coach to help them achieve their goals and then the show tracks their progress over the allotted time span.

It got me thinking about 3 goals I want to accomplish while I still have the body and inclination to do it:

Singing - To be good at Karaoke
Snowboarding - To be able to go fast and do a few jumps; do the advanced hill without fear
Salsa Dancing - To be able to do all the special, sexy, and crazy moves that you always see in choreography, like sliding down a man's leg and being flipped.

I think I should start singing lessons AFTER I gte my braces off, and snowboarding is only good when it's in season. So, my current goal is to be a good Salsa dancer. I've already started looking for a dance school. Now I just need a Salsa partner that can commit to the class schedule and then go Salsa dancing with me! :)

Now I'm really fucking pissed...

2007-09-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

So, I'm heated right now... I've made the decision to move out of my house and rent a 1 bedroom or studio apartment. However, since my name is legally bound to the house (to help my mom out with her bad credit, Chelle, Jenni, and myself all put our names on the house to help refinance the home) I'm still legally obligated to pay the mortgage even if I don't live there! This is fucking bullshit!

I can't believe the altruistic thing I did is now being used against me! There is no way I can pay two rents at the same time. I just don't have that kind of savings to back something like that up... And NOBODY is going to pay $700 a month to live there and not have full use of a kitchen. I can't believe my family would use my name on the title against me. And they say it's my responsibility to find a tenant to replace me.

Now, legally, I see their logic. But you have to understand that the only reason I signed those papers was definitely not for any personal gain - who wants a 1/4 of a house anyway? The reason was to help out my family: my mother, who was on financial hard times. I even ALWAYS lend my family money when they need it. Just last month, they borrowed a total of $1,700. And even while they are still paying me back, they have the nerve to throw this in my face: that finding a tenant to replace me and paying the mortgage if I don't is my responsibility, whether or not I give a 30 day notice.

I'm at a loss. Not only are my cats not allowed to run around, but I might have to give them up to a home where they can - they don't deserve the quality of life that I'm offering to them right now. But the cats are not the problem. It's the principle that my mother thinks it's okay to toy with my life by taking away what I love.

I remember the time she broke my viola bow over her knee and made me quit viola, or how about the time when she tried to give Toasty away without telling me? All my life, she's been a manipulative tyrant who forced me to do things through threatening the things that I've loved. Do you remember the time she told me she wouldn't talk to me anymore if I moved in with Jay? Then there was that time when she disowned me...

I'm tired of having my family's love be conditional. And this whole legal mortgage thing is definitely the straw that broke the camel's back. For as long as I live, I'm not letting anyone borrow any money anymore. Apparently, that gesture of supporting each other financially does not go the other way around. There's only one choice left:

I need to talk to my lawyer friends and see what I need to do to get my name off this legal document. Then, I need to move so I can seperate myself from ever being manipulated by them again. After all, for $200 more a month, I could find a place for my kitties, not have to deal with people yelling all the time and have a quiet, stress-free place to call my own.

God? Why do I always have to endure trying situations? I know you want me to be strong, but how strong do I really have to be?

Abstinence! Take Two! Action!

2007-09-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

As of yesterday, (or I guess technically, it might have been this morning :P I'm not quite sure...) I am no longer practicing abstinence.

So now, the dates read:

First Date - Aug. 1
First Kiss - Aug. 3
First Time - Sept. 4

So, a little over a month between the first time I met SP and our first "time" together - not too shabby ;)

I do have to say that some confidence in being able to make my man cum has been restored :) Sure, I may give inept handjobs and oral from the 7th circle of hell, but as long as I can do something that will please him and get him off, then I'm happy :)

I realized something about myself last night - when I was just laying on my back or side having sex, I wasn't that into it and actually wanted him to stop. But when I became the aggressor and got on top to ride him, then I was totally turned on and everything was clear sailing from there.

I must have some fetish with being in control (of both my own body and his orgasm). That coupled with the fact that it takes an immense amount of trust (or alcohol :P) to let someone just have their way with you, means that SP and I will just have to work our way up to that. I suppose some trust building and becoming more comfortable with one another is in order :)

Boyfriend

2007-09-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yup, I have one... and I guess I should write down all the details before I forget them! :P hehehe

SP texted me from Boston the night after the breakup (Monday) asking if we could talk. So, I called him. He asked me if we could talk in person that Thursday. I was stunned. I was so sure I would never hear from him again - I even told him to keep the coupon book I left at his place in order to avoid the awkward situation of seeing him again. I had already told all my friends and family what had happened and had spent the day very depressed. The idea that he wanted to meet again not only enraged me, but also confused me. After all, he was so cold and callous the night we broke up. Against my better judegment, I agreed to meeting him to talk. I spent the rest of the week sorting out what I would say to him.

Basically, I came up with an ultimatum: You've known me for almost a month; you've seen me 11 times out of 26 days - you've had more than enough information on me to make a decision on whether or not you want me to be your girlfriend. I don't kiss or have sex with my friends. So, step up to the plate - we're either together or not at all. Needing more time to decide is permissible after maybe 3 or 4 dates, but we've seen each other almost every other day for the past 3 weeks.

Fast forward to Thursday... SP and I are sitting in the park where we went stargazing. At this point, I had several days to heal from the breakup and could see myself perfectly fine without him. I had realized that I was more than he could have hoped for, versus me being inadequate for his needs.

I asked him what he called me out here for. Naturally, I was cold and distant. He told me that he had made a mistake, and after thinking it over, he did think of me as more than a friend with benefits. In fact, he wanted me to be his g/f! I was stunned (once again :P) Not only did he take all the wind out of my sails, but he also left me speechless.

Still wanting to act cold and disinterested, I asked him what he expected by coming here and telling me all of this. He said, "Two things: One, you would say yes to being my g/f, and we would continue to get to know one another - that would be the best possible outcome. And two, even though I would prefer the former, that even if you walk away from here and we never see each other again that you know that I think you're an amazing, intelligent, beautiful person." And then, his eyes got red and started to water a little, and he said, "I think that would really be a shame if you didn't know that that's what I think of you." I knew then that I had to overcome my own hurt to be there for him - with him.

The pain in his eyes knowing I could walk away mirrored my own pain. And that moment will be forever emblazoned in my mind. I will always remember us sitting on that park bench with the sun starting to set behind us and seeing his eyes. They were so full of hurt and apology and hope and sincerity. I knew I had to give us a second chance. Who knows? Maybe we could buy a new vase after all... :)

I tried...

2007-08-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

I broke up with SP last night over the phone. He decided he wasn't ready to acknowledge me as something more than a "friend". I'm sorry, but I don't lick the balls of my friends. Additionally, he wanted to have a 3 some, and I'm far past that stage in my life. They are just not that great - at least to me. I don't have to deal with that kind of stress in my relationship.

So, we decided we were each looking for something different - I wanted a committed relationship and he wanted to be friends with benefits. I have to say that I feel used. I went into this specifically looking for someone to build a relationship with, something with a foundation. And I ended up with the same old story - someone who just wants to have fun, be in the moment, and get their rocks off. I'm starting to resent the idea of "living for the moment". Moments are just a buzzword for people who have no long term goals for that area in their lives. It's a nice way of rationalizing bad behavior and avoiding more important issues.

I did learn a few things from dating Mitch ("SP").

First, he was 14 years my senior and was used to dating older women. I know now that I very well may not be able to satisfy someone that much older than me because there is so much I'm still learning about life and about myself. He had already done all of that. So, I would get hurt when he wasn't wow'ed by an epiphany I had or an artistic musing. I know that I am a much different woman now than I was at 21, and I can't imagine the woman I'll be at 27, and even 30.

Second, I stuck to my guns. We never did penetration, only oral and manual sex. I also didn't let him have a 3 some while still being able to date me (against the advice of a certain Pocopo ;P) I'm glad that I had enough self-respect to not give up my body to just any cute guy and that I wasn't willing to let myself be in a relationship where, ultimately, something else was desired.

Third, serious, emotional conversations are scary to have. Sex is much easier to have than talking about what is important. But if you're willing to share your body with someone, then it shouldn't phase you to also be willing to share what's on your mind with them too. A real relationship is just as emotionally open as it is physically open, and the two should grow together, not one after the other.

Fourth, I learned how to kiss and give head in braces. No small task, I assure you! ;)

Fifth, I realize my capacity as a person has grown. I have rejuvenated my soul to the way it used to be, and in many ways am even exceeding that standard. I'm wiser, more honest, and more compassionate than ever before. Yet, I've restored my direct nature and trueness to living a life that I am proud of.

Even though I am sad that I made another bad decision when it comes to love, and I thought I could really be happy with Mitch, I am happy that I stayed true to my own ideals. Even though I will miss spending time with him, I have to move on. I gleaned all I could from the experience, had a good time doing it, and got out before I was irreversibly injured. Who knows? Maybe that's the best that I could have hoped for.

What Can I Say?

2007-08-24T15:41:00.000-07:00

Life is FABULOUS! :D

I'm thankful for all the talent and love that the God and Goddess have blessed me with.

I'm thankful to have a career and the opportunity to make money so that I can fund my many interests.

I'm thankful to have met the people in my life, for they are quality people worth knowing.

I'm thankful for the hardships I've encountered in life for I would not be the amazing woman I am today without them. I'm also thankful I have been blessed with the support and strength to get through all the rough spots in life.

I'm thankful that forgiveness is a possibility. I'm thankful that ignorant people are in the habit of judging - it's self-condemnation. I'm thankful that change is slow but evident.

I'm thankful for patrons as well as critics - the patrons show us what we've been missing out on, and the critics show us why that may have been a good idea to begin with ;)

I'm thankful for the hermit crab shells in this world - we can go out and find a niche, and when we've outgrown that place, we can cast it off and search for another one to fill.

I'm thankful for the art in this world, for without it, life would be cold and mechanical. I'm thankful for the realism in this world, for without it, life would be one disconnected moment after another.

I'm thankful that I now have the presence of mind to be thankful.

Where Are They Now?

2007-08-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

This post is a tribute to all the men I've had in my life and how I've reconciled all the relationships:

Kevin (aka - "My First") - Kevin has come back into my life more times than anyone else, even Chris 2.0! I've known him since I was 17 y/o and he was the one I gave my first kiss to, lost my virginity to, etc. He broke my heart by cheating on me. Unfortunately, the relationship was mostly sexual, until the last few times when we actually tried to date, traditionally. I got my resolution with him when we were having sex and I just wasn't into it at all. I realized I just didn't like him and that I had never loved him or respected him. We ended on bad terms and don't talk anymore - thankfully.

Allen - Allen is still a good friend of mine and we talk on the phone every morning on our way to work. Allen was the boyfriend that wasn't into being a boyfriend. Everything about our relationship was subpar. The one nice thing about our relationship is that he had a daughter that I got so attached to that she started calling me "Mom". Since we broke up, he has married again, fathered a child, and is contemplating another divorce.

Jay (aka "EM-50") - I lived with him for a year, and went through one of the most trying times in my life. He cheated on me with numerous women, pit me against his ex-wife, and gave me the responsibility of looking after his 3 y/o son. I went to a year's worth of therapy to work up the strength to leave him, but I finally did. He got engaged to another woman about a month after I ended things. I don't talk to him or stay in contact with him anymore - nor would I.

Chris 1.0 (aka "Pocopo") - Chris 1.0 is the first man I ever truly loved. And I consider him my best friend. Our relationship could be described as witty and trite. Things ended because I got tired of his possessive nature as well as the way he made me feel inadequate as a girlfriend. However, those behaviors don't affect our friendship today. These days, we share a strangely healthy relationship for two people who were once involved. I talk to him almost everyday, if not multiple times.

Chris 2.0 (aka - "Mr. MIA") - Chris 2.0 was the source of a lot of joy and pain. He was THE dynamo in bed, but everything else fell short past the bedroom. Despite our mutual intelligence and common interests, Chris 2.0 and I just couldn't make a relationship work (mostly due to his choices). Strangely, I still respect him, and wish the best for him in life. He's the 2nd man I've ever truly loved, and we recently reconciled and have rediscovered a comfortable, sex-free friendship.

Steve (aka - "E. Unavailable) - Steve was my introduction to the underground drug scene. He will forever go down in history as the boyfriend who said, "You're funny now, babe, but if you do coke, you'll be even funnier!" Hilarious. Steve showed my what life without limits and boundaries does to a person. He still continues his wild life to this day. Because of that, we don't really connect on any meaningful level. Although, from time to time, he'll proposition me for sex, hoping I'll bite. Fat chance.

Richard (aka - "The Millionaire") - Richard was cultured, funny, and intelligent. A VP of a successful company, he liked to work hard and play even harder. He threw down $600 for our first date, to which I threw down a piece of ass :P We went to museums, plays, fancy restaurants, and even just nights at home cuddling and cooking together. He left to NYC for a month and never called me. I figured he was done with me. He called a month later, saying he was hurt I didn't call and that he was staying with his sister who was in the hospital. Upon seeing him again, he wanted to have sex, to which I declined, saying I didn't feel like I knew him anymore. I didn't hear from him again until earlier this year. However, I was dating someone else at the time and couldn't pursue it. I haven't heard from him since.

Inam - Inam is a successful, educated young man with a penchant for degrading sex talk and male dominance. He was fun and my friends liked him. But we were only together for a couple months before he left on full scholarship to Cambridge. I saw him on New Years 2007, but declined having sex with him since he was in a relationship. We almost saw each other recently on my trip to LA, since he was in town. However, he was only interested in making out. So, I declined. I'm sure he'll crop up again someday soon.

Bryan - I was enamoured of Bryan the moment I met him. He was attractive, classy, stylish, and smart. Our relationship was a whirlwind until things died down abnormally quickly. Upon asking him what was going on, he told me he was still in love with his ex. Months later, I emailed him asking if he had my $6K bracelet I lost. He said he did and we arranged to meet. Eventually, he fell for me again and broke up with his ex again to be with me (notice a pattern? :P) However, I was not so loving, once bitten. In fact, I went into it very vindictive. Eventually, I broke his heart and left him in a text message breakup. I didn't hear back from him and haven't ever since.

Braces

2007-08-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

They hurt.

I don't recommend them.

*sits in the corner and cries herself to sleep*

"Six-Pack"

2007-08-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out a codename for my new beau - "Six Pack" (because he has one! :D) But we'll call him SP for short :P

SP and I have been spending a lot of time together lately. We spent Friday night together under the night sky. He came over to my house, met my family, my kitties, and I played a private concert for him of Bach and Bruch. We also took before pictures for our physical fitness competition as well as body measurements (more on that later). Then, we went for Vietnamese food and headed to the park to go stargazing. Unfortunately, the sky was completely covered in clouds :( But we managed to have an amazing time. We kissed and talked about all the things I wanted to ask him about. Everything from what he was looking for in a relationship to what he was willing to do without. At the end of the night, I told him I was starting to fall for him. I'm glad I got it out of my system. Now, I can just be my affectionate self and he knows exactly how I feel.

Recently, he and I made a bet. Whoever makes the largest improvement in their body by September 30th gets to choose the location of a roadtrip together. My choice is the Grand Canyon. His is Death Valley or Hearst Castle. The competition has 3 categories: aesthetics (jusged by scantily clad before and after pictures), total body change (measured by total inches lost/gained - he wants to gain in his arms, chest, and legs, and I want to lose in my arms, waist, and increase in buttocks), and lastly, physique (judged by full body massage ;P).

SP is already in great shape (hence the six pack :P) and he says my body is incredible. However, I know that I will win considering how quickly I know that I can get in ridiculously hot shape, and how I doubt SP can have a body that's any better than his current body. Meow.

Either way, SP and I are growing closer. We saw each other again on Sunday, and we went a little further in our romantic escapades. However, I'm not sure I can turn him on. I feel a little inept, compared to him, in bed :( I mean, he was half hard when I was giving him a blowjob :( He had to get himself off the entire afternoon. I've never had that happen before. I'm used to men being putty in my hands. I wonder if practicing abstinence for 3 months affected my sex abilities? And I bet you that getting braces later today isn't going to help that :P Oh well, I suppose I'm just going to have to learn how his body works. I'm totally up for the challenge ;)

Chris 2.0: Anger and Resentment, Dissipated

2007-08-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, I saw Chris 2.0. Yes, we spent 9 hours together. No, we didn't have sex. No, we didn't even kiss. Yes, we hugged. No, I don't think he is a heartless monster anymore. Yes, he taught me how to drive a stick-shift car in my high school parking lot. No, I'm not thinking of getting back together with him. Yes, I was able to get so much off my chest. Yes, I was a stupid girl. No, I didn't want to punch him in the face when I first saw him. No, I didn't want the day to end. Yes, it was surreal. No, I don't hate him anymore...

Chris 2.0 called me out of the blue last Thursday asking me to call him back. I panicked and called Chris 1.0, wherein he advised me to call him back lest I prove to myself that I am truly not over him. Chris 2.0 asked for a face to face meeting, to which I agreed, seeing it as an opportunity to truly show myself how "over him" I actually was. I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready to start a new relationship - that the new man in my life would not live in Chris 2.0's shadow.

Saturday came and we met at 4PM, grabbed a jamba juice, and walked and talked, eventually finding a wall to sit on outside of Sears. He told me things that affected the past we shared. Little things and big things. How I was his "fantasy", but he couldn't leave his family and friends to pursue it. How his mom and 5 year-old brother now live with him because they depend on him financially. How he hasn't slept with anyone since me, citing that porn doesn't have the desired effect anymore - that he has to think of me just to get off.

We went to sushi @ 6PM, and just talked and had fun. It was the first time we had just shared a meal outside of the bedroom. I told him how my sister was going to teach me stick later that night. He offered to teach me himself, and I accepted. We went over to my old high school parking lot and I learned how to shift, how to stop, how to get the car going without stalling. Afterwards, we took a walk around my high school campus. We learned more about each other.

Afterwards, we decided to grab some blankets and pillows and head out to the park and lay down and talk. I ended up telling him all the stupid girl feelings I had - it was so honest and so raw. We talked about all the sex we had, how I had to think of him just to cum (even when I was with another guy), we talked about what could have been and what was now, we talked about dreams we had, and feelings, and regrets.

I couldn't take it anymore - I asked him to hold me. He held me tightly and held my hand. I laid my head on his chest and looked out at the city lights below us. I told him how surreal this was, that I never thought I'd ever see or hear from him again. He said he was sorry I felt that way. I said that what was happening was a metaphor - that if we were detached from our seperate lives, that if we were alone, together, in a little bubble away from the rest of the world, that only then it felt perfect.

I spoke a fantasy. I told him how perfect it would be if the night never came to an end, that we left the park to go back to our home and take our clothes off and press our bodies together and fall asleep in each other's arms. We would wake up in the morning, have breakfast together, then go to work. We'd come home to have dinner together, then watch a movie, or play video games, or hang out with friends. Then we'd read before bed, and we'd turn the lights out and I'd lay on top of him and we'd make love. And it would never end. To which he replied, "day after day, week after week..." He squeezed me.

And then the moment of clarity - "That's how it could have been for us" and he whimpered. I said he should head back home. We picked up all of the blankets and pillows and walked back to the car. I held his hand on the car ride home. We hugged before he left, and I knew it was the last hug we'd have in a long time. I told him to take care, and he wished me the same before he drove off. We didn't kiss or touch inappropriately, but the day was fiercely intimate.

I realize now, just as I've always realized, that you really never stop loving those who have occupied a space in your heart in the past. Even if they've done you wrong, or you, them, you can't turn all the feelings you have into apathy. I'm happy I took the time to hear Chris 2.0 out. In a way, it freed me, by reconciling the past between the two of us. At last, with all the information out on the table, I could respect his perspective on life and his own living work of art. I may never forgive him for all that he has put me through, but I doubt I'd forget all the amazing things I've experienced with him, either. And that's okay.

Thus, the story of Chris 2.0 no longer waits on my night stand waiting for me to read the concussive finale. It's been written and read. And only now can I take that book and put it to rest on a faraway shelf. And now, a new book opens, the pages flip open, and a new story unfolds...

Right.
Before.
My eyes.

I'm Gonna Do It!

2007-08-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight, the guy I'm dating and I are going stargazing. He'll be at my house around 8PM. He'll meet the "boys", and I'll give him a private concert . I even got a "Surfing Snoopy Doll" from work that I 'm going to give him :) Then, we'll go to dinner somewhere, followed by driving up to Hilltop Park and laying out a blanket and pillows for stargazing. I hope it will be the perfect setting for what I want to tell him.

I talked with Chris 1.0 at length about how I'm scared to have an emotional conversation with him because I'm afraid to be hurt. For some reason, it's okay for me to try and try with crappy men, because if I get rejected, I can always blame it on them or the fact they don't enjoy the sex. But putting yourself out there in an emotional way makes you so much more vulnerable to being hurt. If he rejects me, it's completely on the basis of who I am. But if I don't put myself out there, I may lose this opportunity to have what I've really been looking for.

How do you just up and tell someone "I'm falling for you" after only knowing them for 3 weeks? I feel so foolish, but whoever coined the phrase "smart in love"? There are about 10 things that can go wrong, and only one thing that can go right. I feel like I'm playing a bad game of Russian Roulette. Is this what "putting yourself out there" is supposed to feel like? I just hope that if things don't go the way I want, that I don't break down and cry in front of him. That would just be adding insult to injury. 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? I'll tell you tomorrow... :P

Open Letter to Daniel

2007-08-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

Dearest Daniel,

I'm so disappointed in you right now. Not only because of how you acted this past weekend towards me, but also because you are voluntarily putting yourself into hurtful situations and refuse to see it. In my estimation, you are hurt because I didn't put you first on the list of people to hang out with in LA. Realize that friends who are putting me up for the night are obviously first pick, and secondly, I only saw 5 people over 4 days in LA - you were supposed to round out 6. It is your choice whether or not you want to see me, but telling me that hanging out with me feels like "going out of your way" is plain rude. If that's how you feel, just say so. Own up to your feelings for once instead of pussy-footing around the issue. If you hate me, then you hate me. It's really that simple. I'd rather you tell me, rather than give half assed excuses and exasperated responses to trying to make time to see you. Both of our time is more important than that.

As for your current endeavors, you know I do not agree with them. Volunteering your time for pornstars so you can "raise them up" is your choice, Daniel. But when you complain how it's draining and how you can't take it anymore, it's time for me to step in as your friend and tell you what you need to hear. Maybe you're angry with me because I'm telling you what you don't want to hear. Or maybe you're angry because I'm not supporting your choices in life. But how can I sit back and watch you tell me of how you've been doing chores for 10 hours at some pornstar's house when you don't even know her real first name? Do you really think she's your friend? Wake up, Daniel. They are not your real friends. I am your real friend. But maybe you've forgotten, since you seem to think hanging out with me is going out of your way, when spending 10 hours scanning photos for a website and feeding a baby isn't.

Daniel, we've had a lot of experiences together. Some good, some bad. Through it all, you can't deny that we accept each other for who we are. That's friendship. But you've seemed to throw it away. For what reason? I don't know. For now, this seems to be the end of the road for us. I refuse to support someone who treats me with contempt. I don't deserve to be treated like a liability. As for you, I'm sure you have your own reasons for ending our friendship. That's fine. Just know that if you ever decide to open your eyes and see your situation for what it is, I'll be there to support you during your rehabilitation, just like you were there for mine.

And just to put it out there, your MySpace tag of "Daniel Lee is tired of being treated like an afterthought" was the farthest thing from the truth. Do you realize how many people I could have seen during my trip? Do you realize how many people I actually know? I picked you - as one of six people - to spend my time with because I've always considered you one of my closest friends. That's hardly an afterthought. Put it into perspective. You are most certainly an afterthought in the minds of your so-called "friends", but not to me. Maybe you'll realize what's what when nobody is calling you to hang out just for the sake of hanging out. Maybe then you won't feel like you're going out of your way for anyone. Maybe that will make you happy. Isn't that right, Daniel?

Regretfully,

Quyen

A New Challenger Appears!

2007-08-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

I had a great and not so great time in LA, but more on that later.

Right now, I have to tell you about a guy I met. I just really like him. I think he's adorable. I respect him. I'm shy when I'm around him. He's sexy and mild - all at the same time. His kisses are perfect - even better than Chris 2.0's. He knows when to kiss sweetly and when to kiss passionately, all at the appropriate times. He lets me walk on the inside of the street. He runs around and opens my car door for me. He lets me know that he thinks I'm beautiful whenever the thought crosses his mind. He's so intelligent, especially in the ways in which I am not. We have similar interests - martial arts, video games, good food. He takes care of himself - physically and mentally. He's young in heart and spirit. His body is amazing. His skin is smooth and he has the perfect back - his strong shoulders taper into the sexiest waist and torso I've ever touched. He has deep-set eyes that reflect youth and freshness. His jaw and lips are so model perfect that they could be used in print work. You would never guess his age just by looking at him. He has that sexy surfer look - hair down to his chin in layers, a little wavy and flipped up in the back. I actually get lost in his eyes sometimes.

He's sweet and dorky. I like how he gets excited about his gadgets. I like how he gets excited about what he's doing at work. He has great stories, and I love how we're so open with each other. When we walk home together after dinner, he reaches to hold my hand. We can just sit there together and be totally silent and comfortable. He told me he loves waking up next to me. He waits for me to finish teaching so we can go eat dinner together. Last night, I wanted nothing more in the world to fall asleep next to him, with my head on his shoulder - my body right up against his. I love the way he rubs my neck and shoulders and then kisses me right behind my ear. I like how he listens to me and then acts on it. I feel like I don't have to lower my expectations to be with him - I feel like he rises to the occasion. Oftentimes, I feel like throwing caution to the wind and climbing into his lap, straddling him, and making out with him. He turns me on that much.

He makes me feel so much, but at the same time, I am terrified. I am terrified that, ultimately, I am a rebound. I'm terrified that I'm not what he really wants. I'm terrified that I'm too young for him. I'm terrified I'll fall too fast, or not at all. I'm terrified that I'm transitory. I'm terrified that I'm so terrified that I might not move forward and pre-emptively end the relationship before it has a chance to start.

But instinctually, I want him, and I want to experience being with him. In fact, I can see him smiling in my head right now.

Abstinence

2007-08-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am no longer practicing abstinence as of this morning.

One more day till LA!

2007-08-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

OMG! I'm sooooooo excited! I can't wait to see old friends and just experience the city again! I'm going to bring all sorts of great dresses and outfits and just see everyone from my past (hopefully the good part of it haha) :) I want to:

Eat the House Chicken at BossaNova
Go for Shabu Shabu at Koji's on Hollywood & Highland
Eat at that Thai place off Western
Eat Indian food at Anar Kali on Melrose
Eat at a Tofu House
See Dan, Daniel, Craig, Chris 1.0, Matt, Inam, and Edgar
Meet Chris 1.0's g/f, Allison
Go dancing
Go drinking
Sing Karaoke
Go to Amoeba music
Buy a new dress/outfit
Have a philosophical discussion with Dan & friends
Play violin/viola duets with Edgar
Meals with Inam, Daniel, and Craig
Say hi to Sifu
Smile, laugh, hug, and kiss a lot :)

Changing Leaves of Autumn

2007-08-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

Daniel once sent me a handwritten letter during my rehabilitation from my broken foot. In the letter, he wished me good luck on my recovery as well as my emotional and psychological healing that I was trying to repair. He included an excerpt by Saul Williams which talked about the changing leaves of autumn - about how it is perceived as so beautiful by onlookers, but when asked, the leaves confided how painful constantly changing from green to red to yellow actually was.

I revisited alot of my past last night. It's funny how everyone thinks I'm a party girl when that is so far from the truth today. I've been working so hard to change my circumstances and how I respond to life. And I think I've done quite well :) I know that my friends are proud of me, but most importantly, I'm very proud of myself. Honestly, I didn't think I could do it...

I think of all of the things that have humanized me in the past year - from the time I was laid up in bed watching a live birth on TLC and crying uncontrollably, to the awakening epiphany at the La Jolla Coves. I have come so far from the girl who finishes 1/2 a handle of vodka in one night to juggling several boyfriends at the same time and trying my best not to let them find out about each other to clubbing 5 nights out of the week.

Saul Williams was right. The metamorphosis is beautiful, but what is required to change is so painful. I have left so much of my past behind in order to start fresh, but it was all worth it. Because of my experiences, I can see the things I need to cultivate in my life, but also the things I need to stay away from. But I have to admit, every once in awhile, Bad Quyen gets ahold of me and whispers in my ear, "Just do it. It would feel so good. Just like old times."

To which I respond:

"You have kept me from so much happiness in my life. I could have been married, happily, to an amazing man, pursuing a career I love with all of my heart. Instead, you made me lose my self-respect and my ideals. You made my friends and family lose their trust and faith in me. You gave me more loss and heartache than I thought I would ever know. You single-handedly gave me a wicked world to live in with seemingly no way out, until I fell, hard, and realized that you and I were two different people.

Even after I knew this, I still lost battles to you, because I had let you become so strong. But when your hunger for attention couldn't be fed, when you were laid up in bed for months, I became strong too. I bet you thought you were pretty hot shit when you still hooked up with guys even when you were in a cast and crutches. Even when you were disabled, you were a player. Bravo! Your whorishness knows no bounds.

But you know, I'm glad I met you, because if I ever see you in a crowd, I'll know your name, I'll know your face, I'll know exactly what you're thinking when you smile back at me... but most importantly, I'll know what to do when that happens - how to run up to you, tackle you to the ground, armbar you, and beat the living shit out of you, you no-good, filthy bitch. When I choose my next fiance, I won't let you hurt him. When someone I call 'friend' needs me, I won't let you abandon them. When my self-confidence and self-respect are called into question, I won't let you fix the problem. You will never EVER take hold of me again, because I won't allow myself to make the same mistakes again.

But if it makes you feel any better, I'm really really good in bed now because of you. Thanks... bitch."

Clarity

2007-08-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

Ever since my epiphany on Sunday, I've been so happy and so clear. It's almost as if I've just begun to start living :) All my old hatreds have dissolved and all my anxiety has disappeared. Life, as always, is going according to plan. But the possibility of engaging diffferent works of living art - today, tomorrow, for the rest of my life - just... *sigh* there isn't even a word for it :)

I love me. I love you. I love life :)

Quyenchilla's Night Out :P

2007-07-31T11:12:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was supposed to be Miss Responsible and go to my orchestra rehearsal after teaching lessons, but then my friends called me and wanted me to come out. I said no, that I had to teach and then go to rehearsal, to which they replied "Come on Grandma! Take your Centrum Silver, put your dentures in, and come on out!" LOL I'm glad I have friends to remind me that I'm still young :P

Thinking it would be another warm night in SD, I threw on a miniskirt, a tank, and some heels and met them downtown.

...

I was so cold. LOL

First, we went to a salon exhibition where one of my friends was modeling an edgey new cut. It was really interesting to see the hairstylists talking about hair the way painters talk about art or musicians talk about chord progressions. I mean, these people were talking about where the eye is drawn to, texture, gradations of color, and using phrases like "laser cut", and "clean lines". It just goes to show that there's art everywhere you look :)

After the exhibition was over, we hit a dive bar for our first 2 rounds, then Lei Lounge in Northpark for appetizers and a pitcher of sangria. The night was just about over when someone pulled a coupon out for a free hour at their friend's Karaoke bar! All the people too shy to sing, left, and we were left with 4 in this very plush room - 4 mics, seating for 12, a personal service button we could push to summon our waitress, and even, get this, tambourines! Yay! (FYI, I worked those tambourines! LOL) We ordered a pitcher of this amazing yogurt-flavored Soju (Korean alcohol) and sang until our throats were sore! haha :P

I ended up getting home at 1:30AM on a "school night" :P and I'm so tired this morning, but it was totally worth it :) I did learn a couple things though - never let your gay guy friend do your makeup when you're both drunk, and don't wear a miniskirt when you're past the age of 21 :P

More Thinking...

2007-07-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went to La Jolla to visit the Museum of Contemporary Art. The featured artist was Vik Muniz, a photographer who takes different mediums (such as sugar, chocolate, wire, thread, and diamonds) and uses them to recreate other works of art such as the Mona Lisa and Peranesi's 'Carceri'. Muniz took delight in giving viewers a different way to experience traditional art as well as exposing the flaws in our visual reality. All in all, Muniz showed me that whether or not the Mona Lisa is drawn in oil paints or peanut butter and jelly, we can still experience it as art - one is not above the other in any way. It is merely a different way to experience art.

I took these thoughts as I went to the La Jolla Shores and sat on a grassy knoll and looked out at the ocean. There were two guys in their early 20's standing on the rocks looking down and pointing at fish. Immediately, I thought that whatever conversation they were having about fish in the ocean was stupid. "Of course there are going to be fish in the ocean. Duh!" Then I thought back to the exhibit - "it is merely a different way to experience art". Just because I might not have that conversation does not mean that it is any less of a conversation. Who is to say that I am better or smarter than them? Who is to say I am living a fuller life because I am sitting here thinking deep thoughts and they are pointing at fish? In actuality, both of our lives are equally valid. But why? Doesn't intelligence, success, and ambition count for anything?

I had an epiphany. Our lives were different, but just because one is made using "oil paints" and the other is created using "peanut butter and jelly" does not make one more profound or better than the other. In the end, we are creating our own works of living art. Our experiences dictate the medium for our art, but whether I spend my life eating fast food and playing video games or I climb mountains and seek Buddhist Enlightenment does not make one life any more valid than the other. They are simply another way to live life - another way to create our living work of art.

So if each of us is a living work of art, and we don't necessarily have to achieve anything comparatively significant in life, then why do we exist? Specifically, why does the fast food eating gamer exist, I wonder? I sat their alone on that grassy knoll thinking and thinking. I watched a family play in the surf, and for the first time, appreciated each of their living works of art as they experienced the love of family and the ocean waves. I looked back at the two boys pointing at fish and appreciated their fascination at whatever was swimming down below and how they were sharing the experience. And then it hit me. I was sitting here, thinking all of these deep thoughts, and if the world ended right now, or if I decided to jump off the cliff shores and kill myself, no one in the entire world would have ever known what I was thinking. My thoughts, my living work of art, did not exist outside of myself. Therefore, they did not exist in reality.

In order to have my living work of art exist, I would need to share it. And then it all came together so clearly. Why do we exist? To share our living works of others. Why do we share our living works of art with others? To exist. It was so simple - so cyclical. And everything else in life made so much sense: why we yearn for human contact, why we create art, why we work to fulfill our lives (because our efforts, in turn, share our living works of art with others), and why we are able to generate abstract thoughts (such as philosophy) even though they have no applicable use as a survival mechanism in nature.

We exist to share our living art with others. And when you don't, you cease to exist. Think of the hermit living in the caves. If you've never seen him, heard him, tasted, smelled, or touched him - does he exist? I don't think he does, and the only way he can is to share his living work of art with you. Without that, he is just a thought in your mind, something generated entirely by you - a thought which you can choose to believe or not to believe, but which has no actual grounding in reality.

For the first time, I feel free. I live not feeling inadequate of the things I am not doing right now, and I don't feel superior to others because of the things I have done. I am creating my own living work of art - forged by my experiences and my efforts and a little bit of chance. All I want to do now is share this living work of art with others, and to experience other living works of art - to gain perspective and give it back.

Is this all there is?

2007-07-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

That's the question that I asked myself this morning in the shower while slowly washing my hair. It's also the question I'm pondering as I sit here on the 5th floor of the San Diego office of one of the most influential corporations in the world. I look around my cubicle and I see the familiar trappings of comfort - Celine Dion, Bulbasaur, a 'Wicked' ticket stub, a poster illustrating all 490 Pokemon, a Bday card from Daniel, a picture of me with my old string quartet, even my favorite hand cream. I've worked so hard to make my cubicle feel like "home" - so I could feel comfortable and at peace while I whittled away at my 40-hour workweek.

But the truth is that I resent this place. It's not even that I don't like working here, because it's quite possibly the best working environment I could have hoped for - my boss never micromanages, my coworkers are quirky and interesting, we have a gym and a cafe on the first floor just for us, and I get an amazing wage based on the type of work that I do. It's so comfortable. I'm so content. I'm very satisfied.

Then again, "satisfactory" meant a letter grade of "C" in elementary school. What does that mean? Well, life is average. It's not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not above average either. I could live and die in this same situtation, climbing the corporate ladder, slowly acquiring higher education and resulting higher salaries, until one day, I'm 45 y/o, sitting at my desk looking at all the familiar trappings of comfort wondering, "Is this all there is?"

Is it? If not, what other options do we have? Stop working and go travel the world until our savings run out, only to return to a similar job, looking at the familiar things that make it seem like home, and asking ourselves the same questions? Is happiness found in doing what you love? I once thought I loved playing viola. You couldn't find anyone around who was as in awe of it or enjoyed it as much as I did. Then I took it on as a job, and little by little, I realized that this was also a job, just like any other, and I asked myself the same question, "Is this all there is?"

I tried leaving LA to start fresh, both professionally and personally. And although I'm blessed to have what I have now, I still find myself in the same moral dilemma. Is there more to life than working, making money, and enjoying the company of friends and loved ones? Sometimes, I think maybe there isn't. Maybe life is not supposed to be more than a great meal, or making love to someone whom you trust and care for, or having amazing epiphanies about life and answering your own questions. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish to ask "Is this all there is?" when I already have access to food, water, and sleep - the basic necessities of life.

At the end of the day, we are still animals, and our hunt for these basic needs to sustain life are over when we find them - until the next day when we have to search for them again. But for those who have already met the prerequisites, we wonder what more is out there for us to get involved in. What is out there in the world waiting to happen to us if we can find it, or experience it, or realize it?

I know that many of us extend our basic needs of food water and sleep to material objects. When will I be able to get the next DVD to complete my collection? When will I find my next boyfriend? When will I be able to purchase a new car? All of these are constructed by who we are, by our thoughts of what we may or may not need. And if those things improved our quality of life, then we wouldn't be on the hunt for the next DVD, the next relationship, the next car.

No, the meaning of life - the reason why we all exist in this universe - has to be something that we don't experience, but rather, something that experiences us. Is life about getting on stage and creating art unlike the world has ever seen or heard? Or is life about the circumstances and experiences that lead up to and help facilitate the same art? Did I just write this blog? Or did this blog just happen to have the experience of being written through me?

Are human beings the catalyst for events? Or are events the catalyst for human beings?

What Would Other People Think?

2007-07-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

That's the question so many of us ask ourselves, whether it's choosing the right person to date or deciding between brand-name mac and cheese or the generic kind. In each situation, although we'd like to deny it, a large part of our decisions are guided by what we have heard from others (Kraft is the only way to go!) and how others see us after we have made such a decision (He is so much shorter than she is!). Other's views of our own lives can sometimes be so severe and upsetting that we will even choose what makes others happy versus what we instinctually want (arranged marriages, career paths, and even what we want to eat).

There's no doubt that the pressure is on all of us to make the "right" decisions - to please those around us while trying to please ourselves. This type of behavior is often disguised as consideration, maybe even regard for others. But at what point do you start to live out others' ideas of what your life should be and stop living life the way you think it should be?

Behind this mentality sits a bevy of approval seeking behaviors. You may pick Kraft over generic mac and cheese because you don't want your friends to think you're cheap. You might stop dating the short guy because you are afraid how others will look at you as you walk down the street together. Each of these situations has nothing to do with how you feel, but rather how others will feel based on your decisions. In turn, you are deriving your happiness from the happiness of others.

How do you stop? It's so ingrained into our behavior to seek the approval of others (your boss, parents, friends, lover, even strangers) that we may not know where to begin. That's something I've been struggling with all my life, and more importantly, very recently. How do you not care what other people think of you? How do you ignore the social premise that we have to stifle ourselves in order to be considered a normal part of society?

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we shouldn't care what others think and focus more on what we think about ourselves. Would the world end if people thought you were cheap when you are just trying to save money? Would stares of derision from dating the short guy really have any correlation to how happy he makes you feel? What I have realized is that, no, it wouldn't. All of these things we're afraid of others thinking are just thoughts we play with in our heads. None of it is 100% true, and even if it were, we can go on living life without that thought. Because that's all it is - a thought.

That's why I've been trying to be more of myself these days. I know that if a guy doesn't respect my decision to be abstinent, that it is not the end of the world. I know that if he learns about my past and decides that I'm not someone he wants to be associated with, then that's fine too. At the end of the day, I go to sleep with myself, and I feel much better knowing that I'm speaking my mind and making decisions based on who and want I want myself to be, rather than tailoring my life to how others want me to act and behave. At the end of the day, I'm left with people in my life who accept me for who I truly am, not some tapestry of smoke, mirrors, and lies. At the end of the day, all I could have really offered the world was myself.

Trevor's Lecture

2007-07-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

[12:45] tessenjutsu: I have worked very hard in life and have been dealt unfair hands all my life... but I've survived and excelled at whatever I put my mind to.... I'm sure some people (don't think I'm a good person)
[12:45] tessenjutsu: but at the end of the day
[12:46] tessenjutsu: people's actions speak louder than any biases we can hold
[12:46] tessenjutsu: I am a good teacher, and whether I'm a (bad woman) or not does not affect the quality of students I produce
[12:46] tessenjutsu: Trevor,
[12:46] tessenjutsu: (everything) aside....
[12:47] tessenjutsu: be concerned with how people view your actions rather than what prejudices they hold for or against you
[12:47] tessenjutsu: at the end of the day, you'll be able to defend your decisions, but you may not be able to quantify your life by what people think of you
[12:51] tessenjutsu: people who are your friends one day can be your enemy the next, but the one thing people can't deny are the cold hard facts. If you're good in business, people will see you for that and respect you, regardless of anything else
[12:53] tessenjutsu: if you live like this, nobody can take anything away from you
[12:53] tessenjutsu: you will know who you are and what you offer the world
[12:53] tessenjutsu: and it won't be dependent on illusions or hearsay

Epiphany

2007-07-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

I will always stand by the fact that Chris 1.0 (first in a series of 4 - all of whom played the trumpet) is absolutely brilliant. He's much like Dan Fritz, my long-time friend, in that he acts like a mirror. So often our words and thoughts spill out, without pause or consideration, and those two men act as the echo of the canyon. They say back to me exactly what I said, exposing every little thing.

I've been growing a lot inside, and although abstinence wasn't the direct cause of that, it acted as the catalyst. I thought about what Chris wrote before I even read it. I thought of Trevor and asked myself if he were 50 y/o and ugly, would I still be considering his offers? No, I would not. I wouldn't let him talk to me that way or even consider it. But there is a part of me that has trouble seeing through it because, on the surface, Trevor is what satisfies my list.

And I think that's the trouble. "Satisfaction" is the basis of my list. Each of my ex's has given me a quality that has "satisfied" me. Chris 1.0's intelligence, Chris 2.0's sexual nature, Steve's "come what may" attitude that makes me, in turn, less severe, Jay's financially supportive nature, Bryan's old world manners and etiquette, and the list goes on and on. But one thought lingers in my mind: if I need so much to satisfy me, to satiate me, then I am a void that needs endlessly.

Chris is right, none of the above qualities makes a person "good". And although it's easy to sit here and be tricked into the lull of how those qualities do play out in a relationship, because they do have their advantages, don't get me wrong, they don't make a person worthwhile. I must then ask myself, why did all of my relationships break down over time? Well, I didn't trust half of them, and the other half I didn't respect.

And that's what I realized last night about Trevor. He has the looks and sex appeal of Chris 2.0, a good chunk of Chris 1.0's intelligence, the attitude of Steve, the financial capabilities of Jay, and the etiquette of Bryan - seemingly the perfect man, someone who could add even more qualities to "the list" just by being himself. But I don't want him in my life. Why? Because I don't trust him. I don't respect him. In my heart of hearts, I don't believe he's a good person. He's just another automaton created to be a woman's perfect man, by developing admirable qualities within himself.

And then I think of myself. What am I doing? All of the things that I possess - intelligence, wit, charm, beauty, poise, confidence, class, sex appeal, groundedness, and inner strength. All of that does not make me a good person - someone a man can trust and respect. They are simply "super powers" that I possess. However, that doesn't mean I'm fighting as a hero. In fact, I'm the most deadly super villain men have ever faced - able to break hearts and spirits into two. So, as the cliche goes, with great power comes great responsibility. How does a villain change sides to do good for humanity?

How does it go in the comics?

Maybe the villain fails and falls and realizes that those she once called allies have abandoned her in favor of someone with stronger or more useful super powers. She realizes that her mindset, of having power and gaining more, while destroying those who have lost their usefulness, was wrong all along. She stops right then and there, and vows to use her powers to preserve and conserve her renewed values. She then does battle with her old allies, trying to bring them over to her cause, to save lost souls, or simply to disarm them so they will not wreak havoc on her or other's lives in the future...

Am I Lying Even Unto Myself?

2007-07-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling sad and powerless. What if there's no point to practicing abstinence? What if I should just fuck whomever? Sometimes, I don't think I'll ever ever fall in love with someone. It just makes me want to cry. I don't like faking my emotions. I fake everything else in life.

I'm tired of trying to be a good person. I'm not sure it's in me. All I ever feel like is that I'm spinning my wheels, depriving myself from what my body wants, and seeing more and more people for the empty, superficial beings they are. It's like holding a hollow baby chick in your hands and then squeezing it too hard to the point where it collapses in on itself and it turns to dust. It was so beautiful at face value, but as soon as you go deeper, you realize that it's an illusion - nothing is there.

I was proud of myself last night when I turned down a guy who wanted to sleep with me. He was gorgeous - completely out of my league. And he slung every line in the book at me. and a part of me wanted to believe it, except that I've heard every line in the book already. It's just a web of lies. I'm lying to him by refusing him, he's lying to me by throwing himself on me, I'm lying to myself by saying that what I'm doing is the best possible thing for me. I'm not even sure what's true anymore except for the dull pain in my heart.

I'm lying. I'm lying everyday. So much that I'm not sure there is any truth in my life anymore. What is there left to do? Wade through which lies are insignifcant and which are oh so unbearable to live? It's not even the selfish pain like I used to know before of not having love for myself. But the more I open my eyes to reality, the less I see other's relationships working. The more I see that loyalty, commitment, selflessness are all fairy tales - fragments of hopes and dreams of the children within all of us. But eventually, we learn that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy don't exist. Yes, we were raised on lies. Now, we just choose which ones seem most appropriate to believe.

Sigh

2007-07-08T21:35:00.001-07:00

This has been one of the happiest nights I've had all year. Thank you to all who love me enough to make my life special and to whom I also love and cherish; you make my life worth living.

The Jig Is Up!

2007-07-02T09:08:00.001-07:00

Yes, it is. :P

Coexistence?

2007-06-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'm really enjoying being single. My time is my time and I get to do whatever I choose with it. I don't have to worry about satisfying someone else's needs. No taking care of other people when they're down and out. No having to listen to someone else blab on about their day and pretend to care, etc.

However, that means that, by being single, I don't have anyone to take care of me when I'm down and out, and there's no one there to listen to me blab on about my day and feign interest. In a way, it's a Catch 22 - a damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't situation. It's this fact alone that causes us to compromise our own lives in order to make room for another's.

If being engaged once and almost engaged twice has taught me anything, it's that selfishness gets you nowhere. There is a point in a relationship where you stop thinking of you and your partner as two seperate entities, and you truly become one organism. Your wants are his wants. Your needs are his needs - and vice versa. If you're good at it, you enter a symbiotic relationship, and if you really learn to depend on one another - to count on one another - then you end up becoming two halves of the same thing - unable to function without the support of the other.

That's the way a true relationship works (romantic or not). When you're joined by a true union, being apart or out of touch is unbearable because all you yearn for is your other half - the person who knows you, sometimes, better than you know yourself. I had that once, and I gave it up because I didn't understand that unions like that are hard to come by. Trust me, if I could do it all over again, I would - and differently!

You see, all the hype about losing yourself in a relationship and compromising yourself is not all that bad. You're sacrificing just a little part of who you are in order to gain a whole other half of you who will sustain and care for you for as long as you want them in your life. And the great thing is that, if you decide to get rid of them (or if they leave you), the parts of you that you let go to begin with will grow back.

But it's a small price to pay, this compromise, in order to coexist. After all, to coexist means to exist together. It's not a "you versus me" situation. And that's something that, being single, I have the all the time in the world to think about.

Religious Mafia?

2007-06-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my Mormon friend this morning about religion. I told him about the Gospel Brunch on Sunday and one thing lead to another until we got to the topic of tithing (giving money to the church). As I understand it, Jehovah's Witnesses are asked to have the church be signed onto their businesses as partners. In exchange, the church will take care of you should you ever need their help.

Example: Joe is a Jehovah's Witness. Joe's window washing service is failing. Joe asks the church for help. The church forces all other Jenhovah's Witnesses to use Joe's window service. Joe offers his services at a reduced rate, but brings in more business. Joe is then asked to buy his window cleaning solution from another Jehovah's Witness. Joe wins. The other businesses get Joe's services at a reduced rate. And Joe's solvent supplier makes money too. The church gets signed on as a partner of Joe's business to boot.

This works the same way for Mormons, Scientologists, etc. I've always believed that religion was necessary for spiritual growth and guidance. That's why I've never been against organized religion, even though I'm Wiccan. However, I am against using religion as a coverup for a Mafia-esque proceedings. All that serves to do is further support Capitalism under the guise of a non-profit organization whose main goal is simply to futher stimulate wealth, not spiritual salvation.

I have no doubt that many religious institutions do worship faithfully to their texts and that people become more well rounded and human because of it. However, if that's the point, then why tithe? To support the churches and their rent? If your faith were really sincere, you would gather like pagans have done for thousands of years - in forests, glades, and woods.

My point is that God should love you no matter how much money you make, and that you should never be excluded from worship just because you are not willing to give your church money. All organized religion really teaches you is that when disaster strikes, a community is there to pick you back up, not some omniscient being. If that's true, what exactly are you worshipping at the end of the day? "God"? Or a social 'security blanket'?

Farewell

2007-06-20T09:02:00.001-07:00

It seems that everything has its set place and time, and the future must always, ever vigilantly, march forth.

"Turtwig, you my only friend..."

2007-06-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

Everything has its consequences, and the consequences of having friends is drama and spending money like it's water. I'm not sure it really outweighs the benefits.

I've decided to save one day a week for myself. So, I'm going to stop teaching on Sundays.

I had my wisdom teeth out last week and they still hurt. I think some food particle got trapped in the socket and got all baterialized :P I hope it's not infected :(

I ordered a pink Nintendo DS w/ Pokemon Pearl AND a Turtwig plush from Ebay. He's actually sitting in my lap as I type to you and slack off from my job.

I'm thinking of redesigning my website www.sdimonline.com It needs to be revamped.

Boys are the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just going to do that whole - "it happens when you're not looking for it" thing :P

In the meantime, Turtwig will keep me company :)

Cosmetic Surgery for the Soul

2007-06-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

It seems so easy. Want bigger boobs? Get a boob job! Want straighter teeth? Get braces! Want to become a better person? Go on a spiritual retreat?

...

I guess superficiality is the easy way out. The terms are easy: you pay X amount of money, you set your appointment, we layer on the fakeness, voila, you are a different you! Even more superficial, even less yourself. It seems that our society is obsessed with the quick fix (myself included) - after all, short term investements are the "in" thing, right? Right?

With divorce rates and fluctuations in the stock market being any indicator as to how our society conceptualizes worth and investment, it's safe to say that blue chips are down and so are bicentennial anniversaries. It's all about insider trading and the flavor of the month. People want what they want when they want it, and who's to argue?

But what the opposition doesn't know is that this lifestyle (and it is a style of life) is frighteningly addictive. It becomes a game that pits fads against fads and fuels people to always be on the search for something newer, prettier, shinier, and with more features. Where does the proverbial 1989 Volvo 740GL fit into all of this? :P

With seemingly better options appearing constantly, it's hard to see what is worth investing in and what is not. And with people so fickle about what they are looking for in others, it almost becomes a game as to what aspects of yourself that you see as most important to invest in. Bigger boobs? Or a bigger heart?

It's just hard to really tell these days...

Ouchy

2007-06-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

I have a sinus headache! It feels like my brain is loose and flopping about in my head :( Even the Tylenol Sinus and Congestion medicine isn't working that well :( I'm also tired and sick.

I came to one realization today - I can't be a lowly accountant forever. I was told today not to get in the way of company policies, even though I had found something compelling and accurate which went against it. Not to be able to have the freedom to make choices is a total turnoff for me. I need to be able to live and create while I work. So, this job is ultimately just a means to an end. Namely, braces, jaw surgery, paying off my student loans, a nose job, Lasik, and saving up 8 months worth of expenses. In the end, owning a music school is where my heart really needs to be at. It has it all - business savvy, creativity, pedagogy, passion, and legacy.

Ahhh... my head is already starting to feel better. :)

Highlights for Children

2007-06-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

1) I got my glasses adjusted so they sit better on my face, but now it's pinching my head and is giving me a headache, forcing me to go back tomorrow to have them readjusted. Gah!

2) I broke up with Bryan this morning at 2:32AM in a text message saying - "I'm sorry. This just isn't working. I don't think you're ready to have me in your life right now." In all fairness, he failed to call me after work, yet again.

3) I won this: YAY!

4) My favorite shirt broke while going to the bathroom (No, not what you think :P)

5) I may be able to do the jaw surgery with my original surgeon and health insurance after all! We shall see...

6) I started working out again yesterday. I regained all of the weight, except 2 lbs. I'm currently 141 lbs.

7) The sound a kitty cat makes when it wants to cuddle up, make muffins, and sleep in your lap is "wrannh" :D

Chris is Right

2007-06-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

Mediocrity is not my style, not matter how I try to twist and turn it around. All this time, I thought it was me who was subpar, trying to blend into everyone else. But the fact remains is that I do stand out (and for good reason!) Not every 23 y/o girl can claim the major successes I've had as a musician, writer, teacher, and human being. I've endured things people couldn't even fathom, AND come out on top. How many people could be put through the wringer of life and still be able to say they earn $50K a year and have talent and intelligence to burn.

Chris is right. I've got to wake the fuck up! Birds of a feather flock together, and medicrity clashes with my wardrobe. It's no wonder I don't have patience for people who don't rise to the occasion. I never let myself be anything less than my best in the past, and I shouldn't start now. And as for the people I keep in my life, I can't sit around and wait for people to become more than what was hoped for. It's not my job to search for the ugly ducklings and then nurture them - because no one did that for me. I became strong of my own acord - not from someone who spoon fed me who I should be.

And I realize now that I can't do that with Bryan - he is who he is. And after my talk with him the other day about me needing to hear from my boyfriend every night to hear how his days was and connect, and him promising to change - that he'll "show me"... the very next night, there's not even a call or text message showing that he even thought of me after he got off work. It's apparent now that he's not ready to be a boyfriend, nor is he ready to have a girlfriend.

He told me that I have to "enjoy the moment more", which is pretty much the same as "whatever happens, happens" I HATE that phrase! No one succeeds by letting life pass them by and not seizing opportunity. And it's exactly that kind of mentality that I'm voluntarily surrounding myself with that needs to be purged. It's not my mentality, and it never will be. I'm a hard worker, I'm smart, I find what I want, and I get the job done. I'm not a fuck buddy - I'm marriage material. Life didn't give me lemons - because I'm drinking lemonade. I hold the hands of my students - not my boyfriends. And most of all, I don't exist to fade into a sea of faces that nobody will remember - I exist in this world to change it, and I will be remembered for it.

Writing?

2007-05-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

So I read this article about "Living With JOY (Journey Of You)" and it was talking about finding yourself through your talents spreading the joy of living through them. So, I volunteered to play for a benefit concert for breast cancer. Yay for using my talents to spread joy ;)

Then I started thinking about my friend who wants to write a screenplay and be an actor - something that he would find fulfilling and as if he is leaving a legacy to the world. I then started to think of my own life. What legacy do I want to leave with the world?

I could play music, but I don't really play for myself anymore. It's not something that fulfills me anymore. Anything I would do from here on out would only seem like a disappointment after all the other things I've accomplished with music.

I love to teach music, and I'm very passionate about imparting the lessons of music and the mysteries it holds. I've always been a passionate teacher, but I doubt I'll ever be considered an expert in my field as far as that goes.

The list goes on and on, and the more I try to find a niche, the more I realize that there isn't a niche that needs to be filled. Life isn't about making your mark, but rather, doing what makes you feel good about the world you live in which, in turn, makes the world a better place.

I've always wanted to write a fantasy novel (a la video game RPG) - with magic, a chaste system, in a world about to be torn apart
I've always wanted to compile a book of my poetry
I've always wanted to redefine the string quartet through composing and arranging, then take it on the road.
I've always wanted to be a life mentor and watch my protege take the world by storm
I've always wanted to crack the music pedagogy code
I've always wanted to teach college-aged students music or literature

I have so much inside of me still, it seems.

Martyr or Angel?

2007-05-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

I recently learned that one of my good friends is not only a compulsive liar, but also has had suicidal and self-defeating thoughts about life. All I feel is empathy because I know what it's like to compulsively lie, and I also know what it's like to feel like there's nothing good in the world. On top of all this, my friend feels like they are a loser - and I also know how that feels, having been unemployed for months and laid up in bed with a broken foot.

When I've been down on my luck, I've always had a support system to rely on - whether it was my best friend who I could tell anything to and who taught me that you don't have to lie in order for someone to like and appreciate you, to those who believed in the light at the end of the tunnel. But my friend doesn't have the support system that I do, and so I feel that it is my moral and karmic duty to be that for him.

But part of me tells me that I'm just getting myself into trouble and it's not my job to fix people who are broken (per my track record of taking in strays) but another part of me is reminded of my duty as a compassionate human being to make the world a better place, one person at a time. It's amazing to me that even I, as heartless as I can pretend I am sometimes, know when to cast away my own petty needs so that more important needs can take its place. Maybe I am a martyr, for a martyr will suffer for what they believe in. But I'm also an angel, because they see no other choice than to invest in their faith.

Will I ever let myself fall in love again?

2007-05-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

Good question. I always think that I can't really depend on others. It's not true, but it makes me feel like I'm in control. And I think that's the thing about love. When you REALLY love someone, you trust them to handle life in such a way that you don't always have to feel like you HAVE to be in control. That's why love is a combination of respect, trust, and admiration; you need them all in order to be in it at all!

So, in that sense, to fall in love, the person has to meet or exceed all your expectations. You have to know, at your core, that your partner is going to be there to handle things, no matter what. That they are your equal or better. So that you know everything will turn out okay.

And maybe that's why some men (and even some women) are unfaithful. Maybe the strong, provider-type male seeks the weak, innocent female to care for. Of course the woman will trust the man when shit hits the fan... but can the man really depend on his woman? If he can, then he can easily be in love... but what if he can't? Can he still be in love? Fully in love? Most likely not.

Maybe I'm one of those women that looks for weak, innocent men to take care of - that I am the provider to them. And in theory, I am unfaithful because I don't really think they'll be adequate in taking care of things when I really need them. Maybe it's true that I need to find someone who is my equal, so that I, too, can fall in love and feel at peace with my partner. But I know, after all said and done - even with my less than pure track record, that I really am an amazing woman with much to offer. How many men could realistically and honestly meet that kind of standard?

My New Smile :)

2007-05-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

I went to the dentist today that my sister recommended I go to. It's really upscale with TVs to watch as you get your teeth cleaned, and the actual dentist does all the cleaning himself, not some just-out-of-Maric-College dental assistant graduate. I was really pleased with my two hour teeth cleaning and the genuine interest they had in me as a patient.

We discussed creating my ideal smile, and I told my doctor that I wanted to have an amazing smile ASAP. We went through the various phases that I'd need to go through in order to get one and I made an appointment for Phase 1 on the 21st.

The phases are as follows:

Phase 1 - Get wisdom teeth removed
Phase 2 - change amalgam fillings to composite (white) fillings
Phase 3 - have jaw surgery to push my lower jaw in and possibly bring my upper jaw out
Phase 4 - braces for 2 to 3 years (possibly using traditional metal braces for the first 2 years and finishing out the last 6-12 months with Invisalign)
Phase 5 - Zoom 3! Whitening and whitening tray combination therapy

This should all take around 3 years to complete, but I'm very serious about finally being able to smile and have my teeth and profile match what's inside my mind when I think of how I want to appear to the world.

This is going to take a lot of money, time, and test my tolerance for pain. Wish me luck :)

Slurmet and Chris 2.0

2007-05-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

This week is so disappointing... First, Slurmet and I had "the talk" and he said that he didn't trust me around my ex b/fs - which is so true. Hell, I don't even trust me around my ex b/fs :P So, that's done and kaput.

As for Chris 2.0, I was cooking up the best revenge plot. I was going to make him drive to SD for a "sexual adventure" - except I planned to give him a wrong address so he would get there and realize I was doing to him what he had done to me many times. Unfortunately, it backfired on me and he cancelled due to a "financial emergency". I totally lost it and revealed my evil intent, and we started to trade cheap shots. However, he gave me the ultimate fuck you by admitting he didn't even have herpes.

I am stunned. It seems just when I think I have the upper hand, he already has me outwitted. How can this be?! Grrrr... I'm so angry right now. Not only did he make a fool of me, but he also bested me in a contest of wits. My pride is hurt on so many levels right now. I just want to curl up into a ball and breathe quietly. I think the amount of rage I feel right now may be akin to the amount I had when I found out Jay was cheating on me.

That's it. I quit.

My Big, Fat Mouth

2007-04-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

So, I was so proud of myself yesterday for completing all of my work that I opened my big, fat mouth and told my boss I was done with my work. For the next 10 minutes, everyone in my deparmtnet came by my desk saying, "Wow! You finished 3 months of work in 5 weeks? That's unheard of!" Within 30 minutes they gave me 3 new weekly responsibilites that total about 10 more hours a week of work :P The justification? "Oh Quyen doesn't do anything and has lots of free time. So, have her help you with YOUR job" :P Oh well. Like I said yesterday - at least I have job security.

So, I've been trying to work out and eat better. I cheated today though - both on the guy I'm seeing and my diet. And I did it all at the same time. Blah :( I went on a lunch date with a lunch date kiss at the end, complete with a fatty mocha frappaccino and a sandwich/salad combo from Pat N Oscars. At least I didn't put dressing on the salad :P But I do feel bad about kissing that other boy. But on the other hand, I don't know what's going to happen with this new guy. I'd like to say we're dating - but we're not. And I'd like to say we're monogamous - but we're not (at least he tells me he's not seeing anyone else). In any case, I can't put all my eggs in this basket. I do like him a lot. I'll admit that. But I've also liked a lot of other boys before too. And if experience has taught me anything, it's that liking someone doesn't equal "happily ever after". I have to be a little more realistic about this. But for the time being, no more cheating. On my diet AND my boytoy ;)

I'm SO Productive!

2007-04-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

The Corporate Blogger strikes again! I finished all of tomorrow's work - today! Which means I'll get paid $136 tomorrow to play online, chat with coworkers, and decorate my cube :) Well, not really. I'll probably be stuck doing admin stuff. And that's okay with me. I have great job security and am getting used to my responsibilites as an accountant. In a few months, I'll be out of the red, and then I can start saving money. I paid off the piano and my IRS debt for 2006. So, all I have left is $1200 on my Sleep Number bed and then my student loans and a late fee from the IRS for 2005. Making $47K a year between two jobs, I'm on the road to financial wellness and prosperity.

I'm sleeping with a guy who I like well enough, but we both have an understanding that things won't last (which is fine with me since he's not exactly my "type") But I do enjoy my time with him and we have a few common interests besides sex that keep us coming back for more :) He calls me every night and we talk for over an hour usually, and we see each other for dinner and sex once a week - the perfect corporate relationship! It works out well because I feel emotionally satiated, physically satiated, and I don't have to take time out of my busy schedule to be a full-time girlfriend. That's not to say I wouldn't be monogamous with him if he asked me to ;)

I already have the gift I'm getting for our one month anniversary picked out. It's so adorable - I can see it on his desk at work now ;) He wants me to go skydiving with him this summer. I'm completely afraid of heights, but there's something about him that brings out a "challenge yourself" attitutde in me. I like that. Because of his background as a bodybuilder and personal trainer (yes, he's hot :P) he's inspired me to go back to the gym and reclaim my former glory - or was it Atkins'? I refuse to remember or divulge ;) Anyway, speaking of which, it's time to hit the gym. Ta!

Different Strokes

2007-04-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, a serious blog...

There's something wrong with me, or so my friends tell me. I just can't stand the idea of not having someone special in my life to call my own. They tell me I am not comfortable with myself. They tell me that in order to love someone else that I have to love myself. They tell me that I'm looking for a man to fix what is wrong with my life. They tell me these things and it hurts. Not because it's true and truth hurts, but because they don't know what goes on in my head.

Ever since I was young, I was always alone. My parents worked 10 hours a day, 7 days a week and I was always stuck at home in an empty house. But being alone was preferrable to when they came home because that's when all hell broke loose. I grew up in a very abusive environment. My father was physically and mentally abusive, but I'm pretty sure my mom helped with at least some emotional scarring - although to credit her, she did protect me from the physical beatdowns from my dad when she was able to stop it. All in all, I didn't receive a lot of love growing up, and the two people I should have trusted most with my life, I trusted hardly at all.

Since I wasn't receiving the emotional nourishment I needed from my parents, I started to confide in my friends, and in that sense, my friends became my surrogate family. They acted as the catalyst for my emotional support system and served as an outlet for all the love I had to give. But eventually, even that would give way to that fateful day on the first day of my senior year of high school when all of that suddenly changed.

I started to not be able to share all that was going on in my life. My friends simply couldn't relate (and for good reason) I started to feel ostracized - different, and I felt like no one could possibly understand me. And so I hid from that uncomfortable feeling, and pretended nothing was wrong, even to the point that I was lying everyday to the people who I seemed closest to.

The only people I could really be myself with were my boyfriends. No matter what, I always felt like I could let my hair down and be real and connect with them. That's why sometimes, I pick bad men. It's not that I don't know they are not ideal for me. It's just that I can find real solace in our connection when we're together - even if sometimes, it is purely sexual. The safety, security, and warmth I feel when I'm with someone I can be emotionally open with is absolutely priceless to me. It seems to be my only outlet of that caliber besides blogging - and even here, I feel as if I'm always acting.

So, I guess that is why I can't be alone. That is why I am always looking for someone to be in my life and take that role as my confidante, my best friend. That is why I find it so hard to let go of those people who have assumed that role in my life, even if their presence in my life is somewhat fatalistic to my endeavors. Because those select few are the only ones I have trusted with my emotions, my safety, my heart, and my well-being. And when one of them has fallen short, I try not to lose hope of his rehabilitation or of finding someone else to fill his shoes, because losing hope would mean alienating myself from the world and slowly, ever so slowly, falling deeper and deeper into a depression I might not have the ability to get out of by myself.

So you see, what they say about me is wrong. They see how I act and make their judgments on how they see reason and logic, but I'm just playing with a whole new deck of cards. Maybe no one will ever understand me - not at the core. But I can always hope. And even though, with my talents, intelligence, success, and perseverance, I can stand quite well on my own two feet, doing so without a companion to share in those things makes life shallow and pointless. Without someone you can really "come home to", life is just a 24/7 grind of superficiality, money, and sex - I'm determined to rise above it.

Karma's a Bitch!

2007-04-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

So, I went on my "date" with Bryan, my ex who left me for his first love, on Friday night. I wore my A&F "destructed" jeans with a black Guess T-shirt with a lace-up V neck. I was going for the "I'm not going to dress up for you so you don't think I care about looking good for you, but I look good regardless, so HA!" look :P It totally worked, BTW.

He took me out for sushi and then we went to go play pool. The whole night you could tell he had fallen under my spell again - that he was having so much fun that no other girl was on his mind. He kept flirting like crazy too... saying things like "gorgeous girls break first" and comparing me to a boba drink called "carmel Oriental beauty" to which I responded, "I guess I am sorta carmel-colored" :P He tried soooo hard to charm me, but I wasn't having it. I could tell that the nicer I was, the more it hurt him - talk about killing someone with kindness! ;) I guess there's some merit to that after all!

My favorite part was at the end of the night. He wanted to come up to my room to keep hanging out. So, I said sure. I went downstairs to grab a snack and when I came back, he was sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands. I came in and asked what was wrong, and he seemed surprised that I caught him in his reverie. He said, "I was just thinking... about all the mistakes I've made in my life... and I think I really made a big mistake that I might not be able to fix." I know he expected me to ask what he was talking about, even though I knew very well what he was referring to. So, all I gave him in return was, "Don't be depressed. Life's too short." :P

In the end, I didn't have to do anything. All I had to be was myself and let everything else run its course. It just goes to show that taking the high road maybe isn't a bad idea after all, it's not my job to punish others for their sins, and, well, Karma's a bitch! ;) hehe

Food Comas and Being Torn

2007-04-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

OMG! I'm so sleepy right now. I just went to Souplantation and ate a horse! I had Caesar salad, tuna tarragon pasta salad, German potato salad, Joan's brocoli salad, clam chowder, lemon cream pasta with capers, 4 cheese pizza, lemon mousse, and a lemon muffin. I just want to crawl on the floor and die :P The worst part was that I was on a lunch date with one of the guys I hooked up with this weekend. At least he paid :P And this, my friends, is why I like lunch dates :)

So my ex b/f, Bryan - the one who left me for a Mexican Gummi Bear, is calling me again to go shoot pool. When he and I last had lunch so I could get my $1300 Tiffany bracelet back, he told me things haven't been going very well between them and that maybe he was wrong to assume that a first love could stand the test of time. All in all, she had changed and they were growing apart. Typical.

I guess that that's what happens when you try to look for greener pastures. I gave up Kevin to be with Chris 2.0, and what did that get me? Nothing but loneliness and heartache. I lost both of them as friends and as lovers because I was selfish and wanted more than what was on my plate in front of me. Tragic ending to a bad decision. So why shouldn't Bryan feel the same wrath of the consequences of poor choices?

Part of me wants to be evil to him and lead him on just to toy with his head and show him that he fucked up, but the other part of me is not that evil and actually stills wishes for the best for his life. I'm torn. I haven't decided what to do yet, but I have a feeling he is trying to get closer to me. After all, we have a "date" on Friday to go have dinner, followed by some pool. I wonder what will happen. I wonder what he'll say. But most of all, I wonder what my motives for the evening will be. I guess I'll let you know next week ;)

Encounters of the Fourth Kind

2007-04-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

So, I met a guy from the internet (like I meet many of the people that have some permanence in my life) and we were flirting and getting ready to hook up. The next morning, I receive an e-mail from him notating directions to his house and how much fun this is all going to be. At the end, he includes, "I don't have use of the muscles below my knees. I use a wheelchair to get around. I hope that doesn't bother you."

We never get to that point because he sends me an e-mail saying he doesn't think it's a good idea to meet because he's "a loser that should just accept his fate." Okay. That's just really sad. Not pathetic-sad (although it IS a little pathetic) but more like "OMG! Don't feel that way! You're not a loser!"-sad. I grapple with the idea of whether it falls on my shoulders to aleve his sorrows.

Fast forward one week, and I'm driving to his house. Part of me feels like he could be a really awesome guy, another part of me feels like he might be uber-depressing, and another part of me wonders whether this is my future husband. I was actually surprised when I met him, because he was very active and seemed to not only be coping with being paraplegic, but actually mastering his circumstances. He wants to be part of the Para-Olympics (Olympics for "dudes like him") and is going to college for Mechanical Engineering.

We played Xbox360 for about 3 hours, and I actually had a lot of fun. The whole time, I was debating whether I should kiss him, or give him head, or something along those lines... But in the end, I decided that doing any of those things would just make him feel like I wanted to be his g/f or something like that, and I didn't want to lead him on, no matter how much I thought a good blowjob for a disabled person might be "giving back to the community" :P In the end, I didn't do anything - partly because I didn't want to have to break his heart later, and partly because, well, I'm just not that humanitarian. ;)

Closure and Submission

2007-04-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

Mr. MIA is no longer MIA. In fact, he has been pronounced dead as of March 30th, 2007.

*insert eulogy*

"Mr. MIA was possibly the one person I fawned over the most in my life. He received my praise, adoration, respect, and limitless attention and love. I can't even count the number of times I've gone out of my way to be there for him, even sacrificing my own dignity and self-worth to do so. But in the end, he was just one messed up piece of shit that I should have never bothered with in the first place."

No, but really... I finally got some closure on the whole situation. It really shouldn't have taken me this long, but I just needed to draw it out until the bitter end (I'm tragic like that) :P He admitted that he's just too fucked up in the head and can't bring himself to trust people or have faith in relationships. He went on to say that he's just an asshole for no apparent reason. I guess that kind of behavior explains why he was admitted to a mental hospital when he was younger. At least I know he hasn't been cheating on me. Being that fucked up, how could you? ;)

The funny part is that his lack of faith in sharing his life with someone he can trust and love has bled into my own life. I think a large part of my world just fell through to accomodate the idea that maybe I'll grow, live, and die alone as well. It's not that I've lost hope, it's just that I'm not naive enough to think that I'm the Queen Bee anymore, no matter how high I hold my self-regard. It's perfectly possible that I'll never experience a truly deep and meaningful relationship, the way I've always imagined it would be like, with an amazing man for as long as I live.

And from that, I realize that having a man is not all it's cracked up to be. I can support myself financially, emotionally, and physically without a male complement to myself. What males do offer is a nice sexual release every once in awhile and the security of knowing someone is there to take care of you when you do fall down. But while I'm living with my family, I don't need the latter. And with men so quick to take a roll in the hay, finding the former is easy as pie. I should know - I found it twice this weekend.

Quarter End

2007-03-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

The best part about the dreaded Quarter End is the week of free food - talk about stress binging! My boss, Ms. Giggles, is the best boss ever! I call her Ms. Giggles because she has this great giggle, like a little girl's - coming out of a middle-aged woman's body. Kinda creepy, I know, but you'd love her too! Anyway, she is so awesome that she bought us breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the past week!

The bad side about that was that this morning she bought me a Venti mocha frapp from Starbuck's (and I don't drink coffee anymore) so I was WIRED. I was so WIRED, in fact, that I e-mailed Mr. MIA, my self-proclaimed love of all loves, and told him that I missed him and gave him an update of what was going on in my life. At the end, I wrote "I guess this e-mail is the last step in the grieving process. I just wonder, what was so important that you had to flake on me again? Will you ever tell me? Or even feel remorse for how you make me feel sometimes? I wish I just knew the whole truth."

I am SOOOOO into my own pain. In fact, I'm wallowing in it like a sexy pig. Bacon never tasted so good ;)